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Mentally recovering after an affair
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Please no judgement. I am married & have been having an affair with a married man I work with. We have tried to stop a few times in the past but always started back up again. Yesterday we called it quits & I really want to stay strong this time. Mentally I feel useless, hopeless & like a terrible person as I would die if my husband cheated on me - I know how dumb this sounds! I never wanted to be this person & I just want to feel happy again. I have to see this man every day at work & we remain friends but I am constantly distracted & my work & mood are affected. What can I do to move past this? Leaving the job is not an option as I love my friends here.
Please help!
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Hi,welcome
I see clearly one obstacle here- your work friends.
Yes at work it's great to have a comfort zone but you have major issues moving on from a mistake. Imo you need to put your husband and you as your major priority.
TonyWK
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Hi BigWhiteRoom
I think an absolute desperate search for happiness can lead us to do things that can be so out of character for us at times. Can even be left with a feeling of deep regret, based on having chosen what we believed would make us happy. Some experiences can be packed with mixed emotions, such as a sense of regret, confusion, remorse, a continued sense of longing for happiness and so much more.
Being a 52yo gal and having been married for little over 21 years, there have been so many times where I've questioned what I'm actually feeling in my marriage ('What emotion is this one?"). While I've been able to come to identify some positively energising emotions, there have also been a number of depressing ones, such as the most outstanding one above all else being a sense of longing. Whether it's a longing for more joy, more adventure, more laughter, more of a sense of wonder and vision in regard to the future, more general excitement or something else, the longing can become such a soulful or soul destroying experience at times.
Do you feel if you were to address your longing for happiness with your husband, this would help you manage things better at work, with that co worker? If you and your husband were to work on developing a greater sense of joy thorough adventure, for example, would your focus then turn to looking forward to more joy and more adventures with your husband? In focusing on that, do you think the past relationship with your co worker would actually begin to feel more like a thing of the past, no longer worth focusing on while also holding less emotional charge? Or if intimacy may be an issue, bringing more excitement to intimacy may become the new focus with your husband and no one else.
While you've asked simply for a sense of the way forward, have faith that there is no judgement here, beyond this. I hope you and your husband find the best way forward.
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Hello BigWhiteRoom, there won't be any judgement here because you are telling us the truth and realise what you have done is probably not the best outcome, and that if your husband did the same it would destroy you, we appreciate your honesty and sometimes this is what can happen and you have acknowledged this.
I'm sorry I have posted this straight after you had posted because I had half written my reply but then had to go and lay down as I have leukemia.
You know this may happen when you are in a position at work and one thing leads onto another and it happens so quickly and before you know it the situation may have gone too far without realising it.
I understand the love you have for this work place and if you did happen to leave then other problems have a tendency to develop and that's what we certainly don't want to happen.
I'm not suggesting at the moment you should tell your husband, which is normally not what I would say to others, but you have been strong to open up and that that's courage.
What I can suggest is that seek counselling by asking your GP about the mental health plan which entitles you to 20 Medicare paid sessions to speak with a psych.
Just realise this and I'm saying this with the greatest care for you, that that you and him are both married and hope I haven't upset you because that's certainly not what I want to happen.
Geoff.
Life Member.
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