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Married but feel like we are housemates

Community Member
Since my husband and I got together, we've never been passionate. I always felt I could change this and create it, by living together, by getting married and having kids. We've been married for two years and still nothing, whilst we were trying for kids, he was not really interested in having to have sex on demand and eventually told me that my weight was the problem. (I use to weigh 55kg, but got to 70kg) due to aging. We met when I was only 21 and he was 30, I'm now 28 turning 29 in December.

I had an abortion the day I met my husband, due to a relationship failing with another person - it was unexpected and my ex wasn't interested in having a child. I fear that due to managing that loss, I attached myself to my now husband to deal with the grief, guilt and loss. Losing sight of our incompatibilities, we've never really had anything in common. Roughly 4 years ago we moved to another region away from our friends and my family.

My husband started blaming me for why we couldn't conceive, saying it is likely due to my abortion and they possible damaged something. We kept trying for 1 year and finally got tests, turned out it was due to his low sperm count. During the course of this year, he would always knock me back sexually saying he wasn't in the mood or make the process awkward, I started to feel unattractive, worthless and just yuck.

We don't really spend too much time together, he smokes pot and usually isolates himself in a separate room and watches videos. I started talking to another gentleman who befriended me, as my only avenue of interaction, I opened up to him and he's been consoling me saying I'm beautiful, amazing and deserve better. We've been talking for the past 6 months now, he has told me he loves me and I feel like I like him also.

I just don't know if I should keep trying to fix and correct my relationship, I seek passion and appreciation where my husband finds these as a dream or expecting too much from watching movies etc. I feel compelled to stay with my husband as he is almost 40 without children and that leaving him for my own happiness would affect his future too much. I find myself flirting with the other guy as I like the attention, feeling of being wanted - all the things which are lacking in my current relationship. I discussed a divorce with my husband some months ago, he didn't want to loose me as he loved me. I told him what my issues were, but I feel like he is falling back into the old patterns.
2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion


Hi and welcome to beyond blue. I hope you don't mind all the questions I am throwing at you here...

Is your husband keeping a distance due to the stress, depression, frequent arguments, changing priorities?

But this is also about you...

What to do?

What do you want?

What do you want to do?

When you discussed divorce with your husband, he said he loves you, but you don't seem to see it or feel it?

Your friend says he loves you, and feel as though you like him? But as you said you like this because he makes you feels wanted.

Have you thought of asking your husband what he thinks a relationship should be? In the same conversation, explain how you see passion and appreciation in a marriage. I suspect that you might appreciate something as simple as a bunch of flowers?

Or have you thought of making a dinner date for your husband and yourself? Or could you watch a video with him?

I know that I have probably not given you any advice or answers you might be looking for. But hopefully, something to reflect upon and in doing so, you might find the right answer yourself?


Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Bubz~

I'd like to join Tim in welcoming you here. I guess he has already asked you some pretty basic questions, now here is another.

Your gentleman friend who professes love. What if he were to melt away? It has been known to happen. Then you are looking at a different situation, do I prefer the status quo or being on my own?

You already know what you would like, and have voiced one reason for staying, duy to an older person. Ask yourself do your likes have a reasonable chance of happening, by yourself or with your husband? Would you be happier alone?

No answers of course, the main reason I posted is so many in one relationship find another person who sounds great, but for one reason or another they end up alone, so I thought I'd mention the possibility.