Married and have a crush on some from work - Please help me

[lordrainyday8888]

I am a happily married guy with a beautiful and supporting wife - However, off lately met this girl at work and gone head over heels about her - I cannot stop thinking about and miss her every second in my life. when I see this girl at I am super energetic and very happy when I am with her and the movement I am back home - I unable to concentrate on anything and trying everything to stop thinking about her - But unable to do so the girl from work does not even know I love her so much and she is a good friend of mine and unable to express my feelings for her. Please help me - I don't know what to do - it's just driving me insane. I am pretty much-consuming alcohol every day in copious mounts just to sleep - I am totally frustrated with this situation and even thought of telling this person i have feelings for her but way too afraid to let her know. Can someone please advised me what i need to - thanks for your'e support

[lordrainyday8888]

Hi Sleepy,

That is the stupidest thing I ever did - I don't know what exactly I was thinking when I messaged the girl from work and asked to get in contact with my recruitment consultant? - I told my wife about the girl from work and it has gone haywire - my wife has started to go through from phone and now suspects on each and everything - My wife all of sudden - she starts crying in the middle of the night and walks out of the house and does not come back for like 30 Min. it has been so stressing for me - I can't even think properly during the day and affecting my work because of this issue. I don't want to get fired - it's so hard to get a new job with the current covid situation.

I sometimes thought by telling the truth to my wife would actually help - However, it has gone bad and looks like it will continue like this - No idea how long.

My wife suspects or probably she knows the girl from the old workplace has got a new job with me - My wife says our relationship is destroyed and it will crumble.

I have told my wife I will not leave her for any reason however, she does believe that no matter what I tell her.

Looks like my life is gone down the drain. Now I am back to square one searching for a new job once again.

I am so depressed 😞 - Mentally and physically - it is just driving me crazy 😞

[lordrainyday8888]

Hi Hanna,

Maybe what you are saying is 100 percent true - however, after letting my wife know about the girl from work - things have gone down - very badly.

Maybe that girl has BF who knows? but I am trying my best to get over her and move on - to honestly tell u - I sometimes give a serious thought about it and then realize - the girl from work is nothing to me - maybe it's just a distraction and I need to get rid of it - trying my level best and concentrate on work.

one thing for sure - I will not leave my wife for any reason -but my wife does not believe that. - so no idea what to do?

[Guest_1643]

but lordrainy, what if your wife left you? Having affairs is often a dealbreaker in marriage. so if you choose to pursue this woman, you may not have a choice.

I dont think that telling ur wife caused problems, that's just being honest, it is the actions itself of meeting up with the young woman which is the problem. also, the truth can only stay hidden for so long. And if you wait a long time before telling ur wife, it will just cause more problems when it comes out. I think it may end worse the longer it goes on, so it seems like the pain can either be stopped like a bandaid, or postponed and delayed, which might just hurt everyone more, includng the young woman.

When I was 31 a man , married with a child (in his 50s) used to contact me and ask me to come over and hang at his house while his wife was away.
Although I never went, these requests upset me a lot. It made me scared that a lot of married men had affairs. It hurt me. I felt used and sad for his wife.

When a man who is married pursues you, as a single woman, it can be very scary. I thnk that a part of you knows its not good, and stays away. This woman is a person herself assumedly trying to find her way in life, get a good job, have a happy relationship with an available man. I think involvement with someone unavailable would only hurt her and make her life harder. It's not so fair to her.

[Hanna3]

Hi Lordrainyday

What you are saying now is a good start. This woman seems to be an obsession. It seems to have gone beyond just infatuation.

I guess you need to think what you are going to do about her working at the same place as you after you changed your workplace to avoid her.

I also think marriage counselling which you mentioned earlier would be critical.

I cannot blame your wife for feeling as she does. She must be incredibly hurt and lost trust in you.

Can you sort out the work situation and organise counselling for you and your wife?

And avoid any contact whatsoever with with this other woman.

It really is up to you now. You have to think what you will do if you lose your wife over this and how much effort are you prepared to make to save your marriage.

I truly hope you can overcome this. It seems to be causing massive distress to you and your wife and if this other woman moves to your workplace and then discovers you've been harbouring an obsession for her, that will lead to great distress for her as well.

If a man expressed feelings like that to me out of the blue it would freak me out quite frankly! It would be incredibly uncomfortable.

Over to you mate and I hope you can sort this all out. I truly hope you do.

[Hanna3]

Lordrainyday I second what Sleepy has said.

By messaging this woman and organising her to see your employment recruiter you are quite frankly bordering on stalking.

I have had to have police protect me from men who were stalking me twice in my life and believe me it was dreadful. The police don't muck around with stalkers now either, they acted very fast to stop the men who were frightening me.

If you declare feelings to this woman after texting her and helping her to get work near you quite frankly if I were her I would be seeking advice from the police.

You really do have to stop what you are doing. Just reading about it is worrying me immensely. I'm worried what all this will do to the young woman.

This would be so frightening for her.

[Here2Talk]

Hi Lord,

I don’t quite agree that it is stalking, although with the strength of your obsession with this woman the other people here are quite right to be concerned.

It will be difficult now that you have told your wife. I hope it works out- for you and your wife.

I wonder if rather than swinging between trying to avoid and being flooded by thoughts of this woman, you might like to explore this obsession here - no judgment, just exploring your feelings..

[Guest_1643]

totally agree - i think many of us can relate to obsessional feelings. There is also a really supportive thread on this which you might find helpful?

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/feeling-lost-and-in-love-tell-us-your-reasons-

its good to vent them out and process them and try and find a healthy way to move through. feelng obsessed and lovesick isn't itself a problem, who hasn't been there? if explored safetly i'm sure it can be managed and moved on from. But when ur dealing with real life humans, a wife, a woman, there are always costs of acting on these things. That doesnt mean necessarly only physical intimacy, but hanging out casually and frequently textng this woman has consequences too. This won't be apparent for a while, but I have seen in my own life, that thngs I did that I felt were harmless later really hurt me and others, small breaches in relationships if left, become huge problems.

I hope u find a way to feel better LR

[Hanna3]

Hi a Lordrainyday

I didn't mean to sound too harsh but what you are doing has consequences for yourself, your wife and this other woman.

It could become extremely distressing for this girl and affect her sense of trust severely.

I hope you get assistance to recover from your this obsession not just for yourself but for the sake of the others it is affecting.

[ecomama]

Hey LRD, looks like it's panning out as I expected....

lordrainyday8888 said:

Maybe what you are saying is 100 percent true - however, after letting my wife know about the girl from work - things have gone down - very badly.

What Hanna has said is true & Sleepy too.

LRD you said "I've told my W about the girl from work" but you have not been 100% transparent with your W.
Not at all.
If you were making a FIRM decision to be 100% transparent then you would show your W all your posts here about the OW (which means other woman in emotional affair speak).
This poor girl from work has NO idea you are obsessing over her so it's not her in the affair just you.

Maybe that girl has BF who knows?

Whether she does or doesn't is none of your concern.

Just because a woman DOESN'T have a BF doesn't mean in any manner at all that she'd want an affair with a married man. NO.

but I am trying my best to get over her and move on - to honestly tell u - I sometimes give a serious thought about it and then realize - the girl from work is nothing to me - maybe it's just a distraction and I need to get rid of it - trying my level best and concentrate on work.

~ texting the girl "I miss you"
~ texting her your recruitment Co.
~ texting her at all
is not trying anyone's "level best" to get over someone, whilst they're married and causing emotional distress to their Spouse.
~ not being 100% transparent with W isn't either.

Search online for "No Contact" Guides and THAT will show you how to do it all.

one thing for sure - I will not leave my wife for any reason -but my wife does not believe that. - so no idea what to do?

Have you considered the actual situation that your W may leave you?
She's already in distress and this can only be the status quo for your W for xxxx long.
When she gets over this just enough emotionally, maybe someone will show HER some interest and it's doneskis.

Have you considered your view point in regards to the OW?
You wouldn't leave your W for the OW?

I strongly suggest INDIVIDUAL Counselling in tandem with MC.
I doubt you'll be 100% honest in MC.

Good luck!
EM

PS: Yes hanna I mentioned "stalker like behaviour" much earlier in this thread.
I'd find it creepy too Sleepy.

Interesting how the sexes have differing views on this.

[Here2Talk]

I know that here we all think about all the parties affected by situations - as in lordrainyday’s situation. But it’s him that is the primary focus of support here - so long as he doesn’t do or think of anything to harm himself or anyone else...

Other interesting things to note are that (a) he said at the beginning of this thread that is happily married (obviously that has been disrupted at the moment), and that he not only doesn’t seem to want to harm anyone, but often considers them and what he has been doing to them.. So I guess telling him how much he has or could hurt these two women is kind of just retelling him what he’s already been thinking about anyway.

regarding the woman that he (you, LordRainyDay - sorry for the third person, I’m talking to you and sleepy, hope that’s okay) is obsessed with, at the moment, I think it’s premature to assume what she is thinking about it all. Keeping in mind that she presumably doesn’t know about any of this, he hasn’t really done anything wrong - to her. There are plenty of relationships, marriages even, that get broken by a new person. This woman could be distressed and scared, as Hanna and sleepy have pointed out. She could just as easily be interested also. I don’t think either of these are likely in your case. I think most likely she would be just not interested and then well it would be awkward after that, and she might tell you she’d rather not like to see you anymore. If you pursued contact after that then I’d say that you’d be getting into inappropriate territory....

I say this partly because you seem quite aware of the ethical problems in your situation, and you don’t seem to know much about her.... You don’t know if she has a boyfriend or not....

Just to highlight, I’m not downplaying the ethical problems - your wife is quite understandably distraught at the moment, and only time will tell whether she can recover from this. But like I said, this thread is predominantly about you LordRainyDay, and so just trying to explore the situation...

Take care all.