Married and have a crush on some from work - Please help me

[lordrainyday8888]

I am a happily married guy with a beautiful and supporting wife - However, off lately met this girl at work and gone head over heels about her - I cannot stop thinking about and miss her every second in my life. when I see this girl at I am super energetic and very happy when I am with her and the movement I am back home - I unable to concentrate on anything and trying everything to stop thinking about her - But unable to do so the girl from work does not even know I love her so much and she is a good friend of mine and unable to express my feelings for her. Please help me - I don't know what to do - it's just driving me insane. I am pretty much-consuming alcohol every day in copious mounts just to sleep - I am totally frustrated with this situation and even thought of telling this person i have feelings for her but way too afraid to let her know. Can someone please advised me what i need to - thanks for your'e support

[Qwerty23456]

Hi lordrainyday888,

I'm not sure if this is helpful but maybe try to put your emotions aside for a little while and think of how it is affecting the people around you.

As much as you try to show a strong front, I am sure both your wife and your colleague can feel your internal turmoil.

Let's try to look at it logically. Is the relationship with your wife what you want to hold on more or is the feelings you currently have for your colleagues more important in your life right in both the long and short term?

Unfortunately as life is, you cannot have the best of both worlds. If you decide to prioritise your wife, you have to make the decision and take the extra steps to to end this fantasy. If you decide that the colleague is the one for you, you have to be truthful to yourself and your wife and try your best to end the relationship amicably.

Its not easy to be in such emotional turmoil. I wish you the best of luck.

[lordrainyday8888]

Hi Querty,

Sorry for the late reply, thanks for the honest advice really appreciate it.

I really want to be with my wife who has supported me all this while and been with me through ups and downs.

I don't know if I am only looking through a rose-tinted lens for this girl from work and living in this fantasy - It's Literally killing me

The thing I think I miss the most from this girl is her company and just crave to see her every day through Zoom as currently WFM.

I know for a fact I need to get back to work at some point in time and see her every day and it's miserable for me to not let her know what I feel about her as the situation will be out of control at work. I really don't know what her reaction will be if I let her know and she stops talking or ignore me - it will be even more hurtful.

I really hope I can get a new job and move out from my workplace so makes it easy for me to let her know and then just move on. I try my level best to not think about her and then bang I see her and then everything is going back to square one.

I am so Mentally and Physically frustrated and unable to sleep properly - It's affecting me very very badly -

I hope one day I have the courage to let this girl know from work how I feel and work it out from there.

Sometimes I feel I am not looking at it in a logical sense to honestly tell you.

Not Happy 😞

[ecomama]

Hi lordrainyday

It seems like you haven't been able to muster the courage to tell the colleague or your wife how you're feeling atm.
A Counsellor or psychologist may help you work through all of this in a far more fundamental way, esp one with background / training in relationship counselling.

We are simply individuals, usually working in fields other than the MH sector, with our own take on things ie our own life's experiences, trying to support all forums members.

I agree you aren't looking at things rationally but you haven't been able to stop, curb or diminish your thoughts on your own up till now. So you've allowed this to lead to your ideas of being "out of control" etc when colleague returns to work with you at some point.

I'll be honest with you, similar situations have happened to me, being the victim of someone else's fantasies. Both single and married men.
It was extremely creepy for me to the point of me having to report one person, Police were brought in by his workplace to charge this person. He lost his job and was fined also. I found out later his wife divorced him etc etc. I wasn't the only person this perp was targeting.
That's only ONE example from my life. There were more.

When someone is MARRIED then for me and many of my friends, it's TOTALLY creepy.
She may feel safer with you BECAUSE you're married!
That's because she's too young to realise that marriage doesn't mean much to some ppl.

So as much as you may fantasise about this woman.
I could almost guarantee she does not feel the same way.

If you felt some glimmer of hope, then you would have acted upon it at the time.

Now that you've allowed this to cause such emotional and psychological strain on your mind, it seems logical for you to seek professional help to deal because you've admitted to not being able to control yourself.

This comment scared me "for me to not let her know what I feel about her as the situation will be out of control at work."
This "if I let her know and she stops talking or ignore me" could be the least of your problems.

EM

[lordrainyday8888]

Hi EM,

I am sorry to hear something like that has happened to you in the past.

I have started seeing a psychologist and it's actually helping me a little bit.

I have no bad intentions or anything like against this girl from work or act like a creep and trying to stalk her

It has been day 2 of No Contact with this person and I have blocked her number and try not even message on Zoom.

I even have a rubber band around my wrist and every time I think about this girl from work - I just pull the string and once it starts to hurt - I start thinking of something else or even though I go back thinking about her - I try to find a flaw within her and try my level best to move one and has been helping me a little bit

So as much as you may fantasise about this woman.
I could almost guarantee she does not feel the same way - That's 100% true - I don't think she gives a damn about me

The psychologist feels that I trying to chase a thrill and even though I get it - I would not what to do?

one of my mates advised even though I get this girl from work -and she says Yes let's go around - what will you do? - I do not have an answer for that honestly and I will never let go of my wife or cheat on my wife to be with this girl from work.

I struggle sometimes however, I need to move on and hope everything turns out to be better in the end

wish me luck - EM

[lordrainyday8888]

it has been 14 days no contact with the girl from work - it's literally killing me inside -i miss her the most - I wish I never ever met her in my life - it's nothing but pain and agony - don't know what to do 😞

[Matchy69]

Hi Lordrainyday I am sorry you are still struggling with this emotional roller coaster you are on.Two weeks not seeing this girl must be so hard for you.Can you focus on your wife and marriage and try and rekindle a spark there.Are you still talking to your councilor and have they come up with any suggestions? I wish their was an easy answer but you going to look at it like this that you are not going to achieve any thing only missery for yourself by having these feelings.I know it is hard to control how we feel about someone.It becomes an addiction and you are suffering badly and you have gone cold turkey for two weeks by not seeing this person.Hang in there.
Take care,
Mark.

[Hanna3]

Hi there,

What strikes me here is that the woman is apparently not showing any interest in you - is she texting/phoning/given any sign that she is at all interested? I haven't heard you mention anything at all like this.

If this were love, your thoughts would be about caring for her, but it is all about yourself. Real love is putting the other person ahead of yourself. I am not being awful, I do understand a crush and how much it hurts - this is limerence - but you need to accept that this woman is not interested, and that if there was real feeling, you would care more about her welfare than your own... and your attentions may upset her very much if you disclosed them to her.

Getting over this crush will take time and acceptance on your part that this is how things are - she is not interested and you need to work on your marriage. I hope you can manage this, I do understand you are having a tough time, but you need to look at things very realistically.

[Guest_1643]

hi there -

i think its normal to have crushes on ppl from work - but we only really know our work colleagues in one way - we see one side of them

someone might be very talented at work and be charismatic, or pretty etc

but we only see really one side of them - as althuogh work is social, it's still a restricted environment... still one where u cant fully be yourself.

Might be a weird suggestion but i wander if you got to know this person better, or waited it out, if you'd see that she was perhaps not as suited to you as u thought.... Just an idea...

[lordrainyday8888]

Hi, Sleepy 21

That's 100% true - what u said

I am only looking at this person only in a way and seeing the good things in them and not the real person as I suppose.

I need probably relax my brain a little bit and then work it out from there.

Thanks for you're suggestions and I will let u know how it works.

[lordrainyday8888]

Hi Hanna

This statement you wrote is 100% true - What strikes me here is that the woman is apparently not showing any interest in you - is she texting/phoning/given any sign that she is at all interested? I haven't heard you mention anything at all like this.- I don't think she gives a damn even if I am dead.

Please don't think I care about this person - I would do anything in this world for this person and the worst part is she does not understand the worst thing is to suffer from this day and day out which literally has taken a toll on me. But I need to accept it and move on

The only positive thing I see now is my relationship with my wife is getting slightly better - No idea when it is gonna derail and that would be the worst part - Hoping it does not

This Limerence has just literally messed up my life - Sometimes I feel I should have never met this person from work in my life at all.