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Marriage turmoil

Saber14
Community Member

I've been with my husband for 4 years and been married for 18 months.

We've been living separately since May. In the weeks prior to this happening we'd been arguing quite a lot and very heated (never violent). I have quite severe anxiety and I also have low self esteem so would react quite jealously to any contact he had with female coworkers or friends etc.

We would also fight about housework and how he'd never really contribute to it, how I would always have to manage the finances and that he would spend a great deal of his time playing an online computer game.

I didn't realise things were as bad as what they were until it got to this point. I come from a family with a very large exposure to mental illness and always believe in trying my hardest to make things work.

I had been seeing a psychologist roughly 2.5 years ago and taking anti depressants however stopped seeing the psychologist once we were married as the issues sort of faded.

Last August we decided to start trying for a baby so I stopped taking my medication and it all seemed to go slowly south from there.

I didn't realise my anxiety had gotten so bad until it was too late. I ended up having 3 weeks off work as I couldn't really handle doing anything. During this time I think my husband started to pull away. He told my mum that he couldn't stand to look at me because I seemed so distant and he didn't know what to do.

I started taking my medication again however it was no use and he moved out. I asked him for marriage counselling but he wouldn't agree - he has never liked discussing his feelings. I've begged and pleaded with him to not give up on us. He says he wants to have space and work on himself.

He doesn't want to talk to each other unless its money related until December at which point we will discuss what happens from here.

Ive asked him if he'll consider the idea of us starting to date each other again to re-discover why we fell in love in the first place - he's told me this is a possibility but nothing is set in stone.

In a recent argument we had, he told me 'this is why we're not together; you're too up and down for me'.

This really hit me hard because up until recent times he has been very loving and supportive.

I feel like he's become a shell of himself. His family agrees that he seems depressed and not himself and that he's making a mistake. Ironically my relationship with his family has improved since our separation.

Its hard to feel like there is still hope in our relationship.

3 Replies 3

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi saber, welcome

Its a difficult situation you are in.

Firstly people without a mental illness often dont have the patience for those with it. Suddenly you become incompatible.

You cant make him go to counseling. And sadly, he might have decided to move on. His inability to have insight to his selfishness is his major issue. That wont change. That gets you frustrated and anxiety rises.

He just wants to do as he pleases and that isnt being a responsible husband, a team player. So its not your fault.

Here are some threads you might want to read. Use google

Topic: is there room for stubborness? - beyondblue

Topic: how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

All the best.

TonyWK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello Saber, when people get married life is on 'cloud 9' so all or any problems are pushed aside, they don't have any meaning nor should they, love dominates, but as time progress's then the true feelings begin and being jealous can certainly happen and may continue throughout the marriage which always causes a problem.
It's difficult to know what his decision will be, but at the moment it would be ideal for the two of you to have counselling, however for your husband this isn't going to be easy, but this doesn't mean you can't.
Has your doctor given you a diagnosis, this is important, although the medication you were taking could be for this specific illness, and I say this without any blame on you, but there's an old saying 'chalk and cheese' don't mix. Geoff.

Saber14
Community Member

Thank you both for your replies.

I was diagnosed with anxiety over 2 years ago but have always felt like I had something going on. I've had great success with the medication I'm on which is why I'm devasted I stopped taking it and I spun out of control.

It's hard to not blame myself when he says things such as 'this is how it is because you didn't give me space when I asked'. And then he tries to tell me it's not my fault. There are so many mixed signals and it's extremely frustrating.

He's like an entirely different person sometimes and then other times he's like his old self.

Orignjally our time apart was for us to develop on our own and come together unified, but we just kept fighting and this is where we're at now.

I do hope we can sort this out...but he refuses counselling as he said 'it won't change anything'.

I feel at this stage if I asked him again it would almost ruin anything chance on reconsilliation down the track.

Im going to give him the space he so desperately needs from this 'suffocating' relationship and continue to work on myself.

Ive been constantly exercising for the last 4 months and have started studying again.

He seems to blame me for a lot of things that aren't my fault such as him not feeling like i supported him with wanting to study. I just said to him that he wouldn't be able to study on campus because we need us both working full time.

I feel he is acting like a child with a lot of things. I'm still expected to pay some of his bills while he juggles his on campus uni study (5 subjects) and working 4 days a week.

I seem to be the bad guy in this to him; but everyone else sees it the other way around.