Marriage, sex and depression.

Kaiza81 · ‎07-06-2017

Ok, so. Finally found the courage to make a post.

i am 35y.o male, married, 2 beautiful kids (1,5). I am over weight, depressed, lonely, felling like my marriage is doomed to failure.

my wife and I have always been pretty well connected sexual and affectionate. Until the last few months. I know my weight is a issue for her,but due to injury exercise has been difficult for me (knee surgerys). Our sex life has dried up, she won't touch me, hug me, kiss me. Sex has just gone bye bye. This has lead me to a lot of depression, I feel inadequate, insecure, I hate myself. I feel like I'm the only one in my world and I don't even like me.

i have tried to talk with her but she just always gets angry and says it's all me. I have to change, she will not support me with my depression or be open to finding a way to rekindle our sex life which would help me with my confidence, and maybe help me.

White_Rose · ‎07-06-2017

Dear Kaiza

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. In marriage we often assume that life will continue the same way until you die. This is not always the case. People change and their needs change. Reading your post it appears there are two issues. You are overweight but say you cannot do anything because you have had knee surgery. Is that really true?

Can you go to a physiotherapist to get your knee working again. I broke my kneecap and was on crutches for a while but I did the exercises given by the physio every day because I wanted to get around on my own feet. Are you sure you can do nothing or simply have made yourself believe you can do nothing. What about diet to help you lose weight?

The second issue I read is your dissatisfaction with your intimate relations. Maybe your wife would like to be seen as a desirable woman rather than a wife who should satisfy her husband. What do you think? Your weight may also have something to do with this. I take it you were, as they say, trim, taut and terrific when you married. Maybe your wife wants her husband back.

Are you saying you are depressed because of the lack of affection i your life? It may well make you feel miserable but not necessarily depressed. Have you seen your doctor about your depression? Has it been suggested you see a counsellor? Have a think about these things. What a shame to continue with this uncomfortable way of life when by losing weight and caring for your wife will change everything.

I amy well have this all wrong and if so I hope you will forgive me. I would very much like to hear from you again and read your opinions on my comments.

Mary

luft_ · ‎08-06-2017

Hello Kaiza,

Well done for seeking help on here - you sound like a good person and nice man who really loves his family.

I'm sorry things are feeling so difficult at the moment - particularly in terms of sex - that can make anyone feel down because so much of our self-satisfaction is based on how desirable we are.

I know it may sound trite, but communication is key. Your wife may be frustrated with how things are - and as White Rose said - perhaps is also feeling a bit inadequate too?

It's hard having young children - and I know as a woman you can end up feeling like a "tired old sow" and having to care for everyone. I am not suggesting that you aren't helpful or pulling your weight at all by the way, but she may feel overwhelmed with having two little kids and doesn't know how to support you.

I think the best way would be to possibly plan a nice lunch with your wife - maybe make a booking somewhere she really likes, without the kids, and tell her how much you're struggling, but how much you love her and want to make it work WITH HER - but she also needs to try. Ask her how she is feeling - if there's anything on her mind at the moment that is causing her to back off. Tell her how she can help you, and ask her how you can help her.

Maybe this sounds counterproductive because you have told us that you are the one hurting, but you have already made the first step in trying to change things, so if you extend the olive branch you can mend together.

I hope it works out and is nothing more than a rough patch 🙂

Good luck to you!

Quercus · ‎09-06-2017

Hi Kaiza,

Welcome to the forums. It takes courage to speak up and ask for help so kudos to you.

Have you visited the GP (book a long appointment) and spoken about your depression? If not time to be honest about how low you're feeling and ask for help.

Consider maybe that your wife's lack of support could come from frustration. It's hard to be the spouse watching the slide into depression especially if your partner isn't doing anything to help themselves. She can't force you to get help. She can't make you want to feel better. That's on you.

So the big questions... Do you want things to change? And what are you doing to make the changes?

Another user mentioned an author called Athol Kay and I've been reading his books. He says you can't biologically control attraction. Either you find someone appealing or you don't. The trap in marriage is to let the physical side slide. And then interest and sex declines. Worth a read. I'm with Mary about working on your weight. Swimming is an good start easy on the joints (I have autoimmune arthritis so I do get the need to be gentle).

Also you said you don't feel confident. Confident men are sexy. As a Mum I find I'm on the go with small kids all day and in charge. So the last thing I want is to have to mother my husband too and be in charge. It's an absolute turn off.

I love it when my husband comes home and takes charge. Eg. "Right I'm putting the kids to bed and you're going to go read a book and have a bubble bath. Once you're done I'm going to brush your hair. Then I'm going to kiss you properly because I want you." and he does exactly that and then goes and does his own thing unless I initiate sex. It's confident. Attractive. It makes me feel desirable.

What have you got to lose? Do you think it's worth a try?

geoff · ‎10-06-2017

hi Kaiza, wow, a lot of very good replies back to you, especially the bubble bath.
It's going to take you awhile with physio, swimming and bike exercise before you can build up the strength back into your knee, which will encourage you to lose any weight.
At the moment your wife maybe feeling as though she has to do everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, shopping as well as look after your two children, and then try and cope with you being in hospital while you had surgery, I can understand this because I've had two operations on the same hip, but my wife had divorced me, so I had to rely on my two sons to help me through, and I know that it does make you feel as though you can't do much.
None of this is your fault, you had to have the knee surgery, but it still doesn't make your wife feel any sympathy towards you, and now depression has set in, I feel so sorry for you.
Lets try and get you back on track, and this may mean that your sex life may be put on hold, hopefully that's just temporary, but you need to get the help you really need for your depression and when you can control this then you will want to lose some weight, or perhaps the two of these can happen at the same time. Geoff.

PMB · ‎10-06-2017

Hi KAIZA, I don't believe your weight is an issue, if that's all it took to turn someone off their partner then the majority of marriages would fail for weight gain. It may be that she has the problem and is just turning it onto you. Would it surprise you my partner has treated me this way for 10 yrs, so I know how isolated you feel, and yes it really can trigar deep depression as you start questioning you existence and place in the world and worth.I have been in a marriage like this for ten years, and it screws with your brain. You are worth to be loved big small, male female chubby not chubby weight has got nothing to do with it. If she won't talk to you one on one make marriage counselling appointment and then tell her when to turn up.Dont let it go get a third party independent involved. There is something els that she is not telling you so she might tell them. You sound a sweet man so you deserve the respect of an explanation not just finger pointing. Regards PMB.

MattD69 · ‎27-05-2018

As a young boy my whole life in the area of sex and family was twisted and wrecked by porn.

I've only just realised how bad it really is. I agreed with it and chose that path but I've recently decided to totally forego that path. I cannot condone or support it any longer and I'm totally removing it from my life as a violently constructive element in my marriage and family.

Anyone taking an honest look at the industry will see it is not good for females or males involved. Porn distorts the purpose of marriage and family and degrades it.

This is a form of education whether intended this way or not. Many men actually act on this information and carry out the deeds they observe in such porn.

Porn promotes free sex, abusive treatment of females and a total degradation of honest love and constancy which has been proven over centuries to be the backbone of stable family life and healthy emotional development.