Marriage over after 26 years.

[Arnya]

This is the hardest thing I've had to do ever. I made an appointment to see a health professional. My husband and I have not spoken a word to each other in 2 months. We live in separate parts of the house. I'm still here because I have my grandson here as well and just cannot afford to move out. It's horrendous to say the least! It's like now I'm not living, I'm existing. I sleep a lot when I'm not working. Trying to keep it together for the sake of my grandson. Trying to find work is impossibly frustrating. It's just getting worse day by day. He is a narcissist and I cannot believe I never really noticed it. So gradual. So here I am not sure what to do.

[Arnya]

I meant trying to find full time work. I work only a couple of days a week.

[Wazowski]

Hi Arnya,

I am so sorry you are in such a horrible situation. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to live in different parts of the house from you husband, and to not have spoken to him for 2 months. After being married for 26 years, I’m sure you never imagined that it would end up like this. It can be very hard to leave a marriage, especially after being together for so long. However, when there are kids involved, it becomes even more difficult. I just want to acknowledge the amazing job you are doing looking after your grandson. I can hear the love you have for him, and how much you are doing for him. He is very lucky to you.

If leaving isn’t really an option for you at the moment, it is still important that you are not just existing, but living. You mentioned that you spend all your time working or sleeping, and I can hear how down you are. Have you thought about seeing a counsellor to talk about what you are going through? It is important to have some supports in you life and talking about your issues can be really helpful. Also, what are you doing for self-care? Even though you may not feel like doing anything, right now is when you should be doing the most to look after yourself. Are you able to take a few hours to go have coffee with a friend or go for a long walk in the park? I’m not sure what you like to do, but these are some ideas for self-care.

I wish you all the best, and let us know if there is anything else we can do to provide you with support.

Wazowski

[Arnya]

Thank you for your kind words. I've taken the first step today and made an appointment with a Dr. I feel so embarrassed. I have always been the strong one so it's hard having no one to talk to or fall on for support. I can see/feel the depression starting to affect me so I guess it's up to me the make the change. I'm not the person I used to be and that's an issue only I can fix. I had a successful business when I took on my grandson. It's diminished due to him needing my care. I think over the years it's all just gotten to me. Very low income now and a growing lad. I keep telling myself it can only get better..

[Nothappyuni]

Hi Arnya,

I know how you feel. My wife actually pretends not to see me at times. When I say how painful it all is she tells me to "stop bitching and complaining". I was on huge money for years, we bought a very expensive house together and I started uni. I get no support from the govt because we own the house and my 'partner' works. So, I don't have a cent. I am not in a position to leave, like you. It is so humiliating for me to not be able to control my life. My 'partner' spent $1000 on one of our children, when I said we can't afford it she said it was her money she will do what she wants with it. When she didn't have a job I didn't even think about mine or hers- it was always ours.

I feel for you Arnya. Good luck with everything, you sound like a strong determined woman.

[geoff]

Hello Arnya, Wazowski and Nothappy@uni, and I'm so sorry that the relationship between you both makes the situation uncomfortable.

Parents who are unhappy and only stay together for the kid's sake can often do more harm than good, they can feel the tension with no communication and unfortunately learn to pick up the bad habits either of you displays.

This marriage and no different to mine, which was for 25 years changes over this period and you tend to grow apart.

If you are actually separated, but still living in the same house, then you are able to claim a Centrelink payment.

They can also provide bond money for a house/unit and 2 weeks rent, which you slowly pay back to the government.

You can also go to emergency housing but depends on where you live, who will provide a furnished house/unit for you until you can get established, your council or the Community Health Centre may give you the contact.

Anglicare can also do the same and help you by providing somewhere to live which is also furnished.

Hope this helps you.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Arnya]

Thank you. Trying to stay strong for my grandson but I'm gradually being torn down. Sometimes I wish we would argue so I had some communication. Sad isn't it? Feeling just so useless atm

[Arnya]

WOW! Thank you for that. I didn't know about this. I've always worked and only had to cut back since taking on my grandson about 4 yrs ago. I've made the first step and am seeing a Dr in an hour. This is so not me. I'm always the strong one. Makes it harder to talk to anyone about it. I had no idea depression could creep upon a person like this. So much has happened and looking back I can see it now. Hindsight is so over rated.

[quirkywords]

Arnya,

You are very strong.

You are coping with a marriage that is not working, bringing up a very precious $ year old and working.

That is so much to deal with. Needing help is not a sign of being weak it is sign you are capable enough to realise you need to reach out.

If you want to share how you feel it went with the Dr , we can discuss it here.

Quirky

[Arnya]

OK..Drs was not what I expected. Firstly, she did not know that she was going to talk about my mental health. The receptionist didn't tell her and to be honest, she didn't seem to care. She then just asked.."what's wrong?" I told her and started to break down. She told me to go home and talk to my husband?? we haven't spoken in two months!! It was a disaster. I couldn't understand her and had to keep asking her to repeat what she said. She offered up medication and I said no. Is medication going to fix this situation? She agreed to do a mental health plan and has set me up with a psychologist. I don't think she listened to a word I said. She put down on the referral I'm suffering from anxiety instead of depression. I feel worse than I did before I went there.

Maybe it is me..