Marriage of 23 years completely broken down

[GabbiC]

Hello online forum:

My story: I am a woman late fifties whose marriage of 23 years has completely broken down. We have adult children so there is no children to worry about  (although of course I still worry about them) 

I am struggling with how to move on and what to do.

Basically my husband has been shut down for years, this has been physically, sexually and emotionally and I have been effectively living on my own for most of this time pretending that things are ok. 

Fast forward and we are now 'separated under the one roof'. Communication has become toxic and high conflict. 

There is now blame and resentment which is destroying my soul. I also know that it takes 2 for a relationship to work.. but fundamentally there is no love. 

I know what I need to do, I.E. sell the family home etc... But am only on a small salary and worked so hard all my life to pay the mortgage etc... how will I be able to get into the property market.. but of course, living like this is unbearable. 

I feel like will I ever find love and joy in my life, I have so much love to give and want to receive love and am crying when I write this.

Sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense.. My emotional health is taking a toll.
TY for listening.

[Justwalkinghome]

I created an account just so I could reply to you, instead of just reading. I am so sorry Gabbi... this sounds like such a hard situation, and you sound like a loving person. 

I know it is very scary to take the leap. Will your children help? Could you speak with them about a place to stay while you get things organised? 

I would use this time, separated but under one roof, to 'get your ducks in a row' and learn more about what you're entitled to in the split, where you will go, who can help and things like that. 

The part I wanted to reply to most was you saying "will I ever find love and joy" and I want to say YES, yes you will! It might not be holding hands in the park love - it might be the love of a dog with 3 legs, or a friend who you feel you have known in many lives. Your joy might come from painting your new ceiling bright pink - something he would have hated! or using the good plates he didn't want you to use - but joy will find you too.