Marriage breakup + kids

[dl23]

Hi

So my wife and I met in high school and have been together for 24 years, married for 14 years. Over the past 8 years or so (after second child, now 😎 was born, we have had some ups and downs. I would just sometimes have a go at her about random stuff; money, clothes or food. Then she would try and talk to me and I was too pigheaded and wouldn't really listen.

Now the time has come where she has had enough and wants to sell our new and amazing house, separate into smaller houses/units and rent. We share the custody of our two kids. I am really scared about telling the kids and don't think I can be there for that process. They will be devastated.

I have been trying to say sorry to my wife via emails, text, chatting, video montages and poems but she tells me to stop and that she doesn't love me anymore. She said as I keep hassling her about getting back together, she doesn't even like me and the thought of talking to me or seeing me makes her physically ill. She also said that because I am making her angry, the shared custody will be so much harder.

I have been trying to show her over the past few weeks the new me. I have been calm, positive (as best I can in this situation) and more composed. I would sometimes shout at the kids for being silly but now I use a calm voice always (even when they test my patience).

I haven't been sleeping much and not eating hardly at all for 5 days (lost 4.5kg), due to being nauseous and anxious.

We have just communicated over email and she doesn't even want me to talk to her anymore or make dinner or hot drinks. I responded with I would like to keep doing it. I told her I still love her and apologise a lot for making her angry, when that is not my intention.

I am really scared of not being with her anymore and not living her. I love her so much, even when she verbally attacks me and says she doesn't love me anymore.

I can't rely on my parents as they are away and my wife and my parents never really got along. They kind of caused a lot of the tension and some of the reasons we fought.

How am I going to get through this?

[dl23]

Hi Mr Paul

I hope you had a good christmas.

And I hope EM had a good one too.

We are still under the same roof. Christmas was just another day. Separate present giving. Tried our best to make it a good christmas for the kids.

So I managed to request exW to fill out agency agreement so I could check it and initial it. I wasn't initiating blank documents, as that was one of the options she requested.

I created the roster with 43% to me and 57% to her. I didn't want to fight it in court. For 1 night per week. Some people close to me said things will change later on and to "let life take care of it". Meaning things will change and the boys may want more time with me down the track or exW may want to come to a 50/50 agreement, if her life changes.

She is still complaining and requesting the roster I created, be exactly the same format every second week. I have rotated the roster in the holidays so that the same parent doesn't always have the start and end of the holidays. So there are some times where both parents will have back to back weekends. I am not changing this. Plus it lines up even better with someone elses roster, that I know of (I'm sure you know who I would be talking about).

I left out the affidavit for exW to sign as we are both required to do this to accompany the parenting consent orders I am filling out myself. I told exW I will leave it out once completed so she can check it before I submit it.

I will be moving out once consent orders go through, hopefully in 4-6 weeks. She can stay and live in the house, while it's on the market. The mortgage will be frozen until end of March.

I am still copping all the abuse but this time on handwritten notes (I blocked on email due to this). Accusing me of abuse of my kids and how I should be so lucky that I was even given the days she gave me. I want to reply to her so badly but I'm biting my tongue.

Thanks

dl23

[Guest909]

Hi dl

I'm heartened to see that some progress has been made. You must be happy about that, and even happier that xmas is now over.

So I managed to request exW to fill out agency agreement so I could check it and initial it. I wasn't initiating blank documents, as that was one of the options she requested.

The agency agreement is usually filled out by the real-estate agent once you have agreed on an agent. You then sign jointly, or independently, depending on how civil things are between you and the wife. The agent will also sign. I would not be signing any blank documents and I would not let ex draft the agreement; let the agent do it.

Some people close to me said things will change later on and to "let life take care of it"

This sounds like good advice. Just make sure any legal agreement (consent orders) will allow that to happen. A lot can, and will happen over the next 10 years.

I am not changing this.

You will do what you think is best for you and the boys.

I left out the affidavit for exW to sign as we are both required to do this to accompany the parenting consent orders I am filling out myself.

This is out of my experience. I'm not sure about your ex checking it, but I would be guided by my lawyer or mediator on this matter. You know more about this than I do.

I will be moving out once consent orders go through... She can stay and live in the house, while it's on the market.

Make sure the consent orders clearly outline your individual responsibilities when you move out.

My consent orders stipulated that while my ex had exclusive occupancy of the house, she was responsible for all maintenance, outgoing costs (rates, water, insurance etc) until the house sold. She was also required to do all things necessary to facilitate the sale of the house.

If you want to go down this path, there are many other things that need to be addressed in the consent orders. It is a bit of a minefield. Your lawyer will know what to do, assuming s/he is half competent.

Accusing me of abuse of my kids and how I should be so lucky that I was even given the days she gave me.

When it comes to parenting, parents are on an equal footing. It is not your wife's place to say how much time you will get with the children. It is arrogant and presumptuous to make such a claim; but you know this.

I want to reply to her so badly but I'm biting my tongue

You could respond, but it would serve no purpose; there has to be one adult in the house. Kudos to you!

Always happy to help!

Paul

[ecomama]

Hey dl and Mr Paul

Seems like things are progressing now.

Don't have much to add but to wish you well.

EM

[dl23]

Hi Mr Paul and EM

So I left the parenting consent orders out for exW and she once again disagreed (no surprise).

She doesn't agree with the fact I swapped weekends around over school holiday periods (where parents will have back to back weekends to allow for a rotating basis for kids to see parents at both start and ends of holidays).

She doesn't agree that I should put in there that neither parent denigrate the other parent in the presence or vicinity of our children. She attacked me saying I let people talk about like s#$t for years. Which is untrue. Plus it has nothing to do with the children. Children shouldn't be subjected to one parent bad mouthing the other parent.

Then she had a go at me after I said either parent can go to the weekend sports and schooling events for the kids. As an act of courtesy, the other parent must inform the rostered on parent that they are attending. She flat out said "No. Don't show up." It is public space. She said only show up for final assemblies and/or graduations. The problem is most school events are on Thurs/Fri which are her days. Understandable that we don't both go to classroom events but assemblies I should be allowed to attend - provided I can get time off. I will write this in my response to her. I don't plan on going to the kids weekend sports events every weekend I'm not rostered on but if there is a special game or my oldest son makes finals/grand final, I want to attend.

And about the roster. She said she is not signing the paperwork for the orders/roster and not letting me have control of the roster, year by year ( I put it in the consent orders that I would create the roster each year at same structure). She said she is not agreeing with me changing weekends year by year to suit me. It's to suit the kids mainly. She said I'm not to take the opportunity to change care, year by year. That's gross misuse.

So I give her the 43% to 57% split care and the signing of the agency agreement. If I went to court I would probably get 50/50. I will point this out to her. I am going to mention that is she willing to sacrifice back to back weekends for a 50/50 split.

I will be responding with:
-I won't accept any offers for house
- I won't do the lawns, prepare or help clean house
- I won't pay half of the marketing fees
- I won't pay half of electrician and lighting costs that I agreed to do last week
- I won't do anything anymore.

It's ridiculous to think she wants to get out of the house but is being very difficult. I keep reminding her of the fact I am meeting her halfway but she is not doing the same. Always the same response that I'm not being reasonable. Come on.

So frustrated.

Thanks

dl23

[Guest909]

G'day dl

Stick with it, you guys will eventually thrash out some sort of a parenting agreement. It will take time.

She doesn't agree that I should put in there that neither parent denigrate the other parent in the presence or vicinity of our children.

This should be a given; you should not have to put this into consent orders. That said, I'm not sure why anyone would object to a "motherhood" statement like this.

She flat out said "No. Don't show up"

I don't see how this is in the best interests of the boys. You may be divorced, but the boys should not be deprived of parental support. As you said, this is public space. The same goes for weekend sporting events.

I will be responding with:

I would not go down this path; it will only inflame the situation. It will also look bad if you end up in court.

If you want to respond, keep it simple. Just let her know that the house will not sell until parenting orders are in place.

Stay in touch!

Paul

[dl23]

A few more points my exW brought up.

She doesn't want me to ring/text every night. I stated that the kids have the opportunity to ring/text the other parent each night. Maybe I re-word it to "give the children the opportunity to contact the other parent, if they feel they need to". Wouldn't this be standard for children to contact the other parent, who they miss?

I also stated in the orders that we are not to discuss any dispute issues with the kids. She said "no take it out, they're not stupid or change the wording". I thought this wouls be commonsense and the norm with co-parenting?

I am wanting to sell my car. I know I have been advised before to wait for the right window but I want to get rid of the debt and buy a cheaper and older car. Should I hold onto it for after property mediation (whenever that occurs) or is it okay to sell it?

ExW cancelled property mediation with mediation group. Now we have to do it probably through lawyers. $$$.

I have contacted (emailed) my lawyer about all these concerns (from last 2 posts).

Thanks

dl23

[Guest909]

I'm no authority on parenting matters. My marriage was childless, so it was something that I did not have to deal with.

Maybe I re-word it to "give the children the opportunity to contact the other parent, if they feel they need to"

This sounds reasonable to me. To my knowledge, the courts will always put the interest's of the child ahead of the interest's of the parents.

I also stated in the orders that we are not to discuss any dispute issues with the kids.

This is another "motherhood" statement. I don't see how anyone can disagree with this statement. The courts would probable agree with you.

I am wanting to sell my car

I don't see a problem with course of action. Just use the left-over money to pay down debt in you name only.

Should I hold onto it for after property mediation (whenever that occurs) or is it okay to sell it?

Sell when you are ready. Before or after mediation; it does not matter, as long as you pay down debt in your name only.

ExW cancelled property mediation with mediation group.

Sometimes people are there own worst enemy. You wife has no interest in being fair or reasonable.

I have contacted (emailed) my lawyer about all these concerns

I would have done the same; you do need legal advice.

That said, try and keep the lawyers out of this if you can. It will be better for everyone if you can get her back to the mediation table. The sale of the house is your trump card; use it.

Cheers

Paul

[dl23]

Hi Mr Paul

So I informed exW that the house will not sell until parenting and property orders are in place.

Her response was:

Let the bank take it then. I'm over you not listening. This is ridiculous. You can't sell the house for 3 years because a parenting plan isn't in place. It will take 3 years to argue it out in the court system.

I mean who said anything about going to court or 3 years. This is all because she wants the ridiculous orders put in from my previous posts and the fact that although she has a 57% to 43% care in her favour, there's a few back-to-back weekends in holidays that are different to the regular order or split of days. The whole year still works out to be the exactly same percentage on the roster.

I don't know what to do. My lawyer hasn't responded for a couple of days and I'm nervous. Surely, she is just bluffing about letting the bank take the house, based on previous empty threats and lies. Do I just ride it out and see what happens (sit on my hands)?

Do I cave in and change the 5 weekends around (in school holidays) to fit rest of the year's roster? I'm tired of her having everything her way and she's telling me I'm not listening. There is something seriously wrong with her.

So down and frustrated.

Thanks

dl23

[dl23]

I am hoping to get EM's opinion and advice on all of this as well.

[Guest909]

EM is working through a lot of personal, family issues at the moment.

I think she is focusing on her own mental health (MH) problems. She has been very active on the BB MH forums.

EM, get well soon.