Marriage breakdown with joint loans

[Shyone]

When your marriage feels like it is breaking down; how do you free yourself from the finanical straps that are holding you there? Basically I would like to seperate for a while from my husband, who is sleeping separately from me anyway - in a different thread - and I am not coping very well and would like to rent somewhere but because everything is either in my name or both I feel trapped.

[Rumples]

Hi Shyone,

Thanks so much for replying. I'm so sorry to hear you have no one to turn to,Having someone to talk to outside of this situation can often be very helpful, so now you have US! and we're here for you. Please don't think you're alone in this because you're not. You've got a small army behind you now.

"I want to save this marriage but there are times that I can't take anymore and want to leave"

OK, we've concluded you want to make it work, that's GREAT! At least you know what your end game is. You're half way home :0). Now, when you say there's times that you can't take any more and want to leave, can you give an example so we can get a better picture of the triggers that make you feel this way?

"I switch from anger to sadness to loving"

So, you still love your husband, that's a good thing. We're assuming that he still loves you? Also, have you thought of any possible medical or change of life conditions that may be contributing to your mood swings? Could this be a menopause thing? Have you considered this?

"He sees the only difference to our lives at the moment is that we are sleeping separately - his words "everything else is the same".

It sounds like he's right Shyone, from what your saying, the only thing that has changed is your sleeping arrangements. There's a saying "change, brings about change. If nothing nothing changes, then nothing changes". I suspect you're in this loop where you're expecting change, but aren't introducing change to bring it about. Another great saying comes to mind that may help you "if you're not happy with what you're getting, stop doing what you're doing, because there's more of it coming".

I still wash, cook, clean, make coffee, stay with the boys while he takes a drive "to clear his head"

When you say he takes drives to "clear his head", how long are we talking about? The whole day? Overnight? Weekends?

I truly believe that if you keep these lines of communication open, together, we can work this out.

Back to you my friend

Rumples (here's a BIG hug to keep you going) xo

[Shyone]

Hi Rumples,
Sorry, on another lost I have - Confused and alone, it explains somewhat.
Yes I want to save our marriage. My triggers are when he wont talk to me, when he can't be in the same room as me, when he can't walk with me (it's like social distancing as we walk), when he takes off after getting a message and won't say where he is off too.
In short my husband doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He tells me he is empty inside. I think he also suffers from depression but won't talk about it or see anyone about it.
I switch moods depending on how he treats me, nothing else. I feel outed and I don't cope with it very well.
I am negative, insecure, clingy, try to hard to please, try to make everyone happy, don't have any self worth/self esteem just to name a few.
In my eyes alot has changed. He doesn't message/call me. He doesn't tell me he loves me. He doesn't loss me. He doesn't hold my hand. He doesn't share/talk about things anymore. He is secretive about messages. He is shutting the door on rooms. He is leaving for the van by 8pm saying he is going to bed.
It seems it is getting less each time that he goes, last time was only for about an hour. But if I cried it would be longer because he can't handle me crying.
Tonight as he left he kissed me but wouldn't tell me he loves me. Tomorrow night i probably won't get anything. I am so confused. I don't want to give up but it has been about 4-5 weeks now and I don't know how much longer I will last.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Shyone,

Thanks for reaching out to the community tonight. We're so sorry to hear that things aren't improving and that you're not feeling good about yourself. We can hear that you're in a lot of pain and we want you to know that you aren't alone in this, we are all here for you. We have sent you a private message to offer some additional support.

[Rumples]

You certainly have a lot going on Shyone,

After reading your comments, I couldn't help ask, is it possible he has someone else he's seeing on the side? All the signs are there - text messages from people he won't say and then he leaves. Where's he going to and why? Closing doors so you can't hear telephone conversations. What's being said that a wife can't hear? Leaving home earlier and earlier. Where's he going and why? No physical contact. That doesn't make sense. It all adds up to someone else. Have you asked him if there's someone else? Surely he can't expect you to accept his behaviour as the norm and continue on like this. What do you think he'd do if the roles were reversed?

I truly think you need to start thinking about yourself as it doesn't appear your husband is. You have two options. 1. Bring this to a head and ask him outright is he seeing someone else. 2. Continue with the situation the way it is. It doesn't sound as though you've got much left in you, so option 2 doesn't sound feasible. Either way, this situation can't continue Shyone. It's unhealthy and will only make you sick in the long run.

Back to you sweety

Rumples xo

[Shyone]

Hi,
I have already asked all of those questions. With my nsecurities, lack of selfworth and trust issues, these were the first things that came to mind. He tells me there is no one else. He is empty, doesn't know what he feels or thinks anymore. From my instincts someone has said something to him or something has happened and he is feeling pushing me away is protecting me, in his mind the easiest way.
I am starting to think that talking things over don't help as it is dragging me further down.
The thing is with him not wanting to talk about whatever it is that has got to him, you all are only getting my sights, feelings, thoughts and to understand the situation completely it takes all sides.

[Rumples]

Yes I fully understand Shyone, there's always two sides to every story.

What do you think is going to be your next course of action. Forget what might happen down the road. What's your plan to move this situation in a positive direction?

Rumples xo

[Busymum]

Hi Shyone,

I've read through all the replies and it sounds like you want to save the marriage but not stay in the marriage the way it currently is? Perhaps ask yourself what parts of the marriage you currently enjoy, what are you wanting to save?

If you do decide to stay, put a plan in place to move forward together - i.e. going to couples counselling etc because its going to take some time and some work to move forward together.

If you decide to go - put a plan in place to move forward on your own - i.e the advice already given.

Remember - talking to Anglicare and other professionals that can help you does not mean that your marriage is over, it doesn't mean that you ARE going to do go through with leaving the marriage or staying. What it does is empower you a little bit and gives you a plan to move forward either way.

It sounds like you can't keep going day by day with this marriage how it currently is.

Thinking of you. We are here for you.