Marriage break up

[Cheesetoastie]

Hi everyone,

Pretty new here.

Recently my wife and I have split up after a 8 yr long relationship. I’m struggling a little bit in day to day life to get through things and my concentration has gone downhill a fair bit. The hardest bit is trying to sleep at night. Super difficult at the moment, and I’ve never had problems sleeping before.

Through our relationship I helped her move past some pretty horrific childhood abuse and now she’s moved through that, she said she needs to be on her own to learn to live independently. I can understand this, but it still makes me feel a used and disregarded. I’ve always been the emotional and financial support and has cost me a huge amount of time, energy, friends and experiences.

Im doing regular exercise, not drinking excessively and still remaining social and working which I’ve been managing relatively well considering the circumstances. Sleep is super hard though and this is making the other areas in my life much more difficult to manage.

Not sure what I’m expecting from this thread. Maybe just some people to talk to or someone going through something similar. No idea.

Does anyone have any suggestions on getting used to sleeping solo again?

[Croix]

dear Cheesetoastie~

I'd like to welcome you here to the Forum. I'm sure there are many here who have experiences something similar to you. I'd have to admit I'm not the best person to advise on good sleep, but I probably do a lot better than if I did not try.

Having your partner leave you after 8 years, and after all the love and care you have given her is heart-breaking and I don't blame you for feeling rejected, abandoned and a convenience. Partnership is two way and no matter what she has had to contend with in the past one would have hoped for better.

As someone who has always been very happy in a relationship I personally find it hard to understand the lure of learning to live independently at the expense of hurting the ones that are closest. I'm not sure it has to be an all or nothing venture.

Anyway you asked about sleep. First off there is the official beyondblue pamphlet which does have tips in it worth following:

http://resources.beyondblue.org.au/prism/file?token=BL/1785

and secondly my own method is I take my meds in the evening and then try for relaxation exercises when in bed.

Not a complete answer I'd admit, but then again in you situation it is realy only natural considering you grief and other feelings that you stay awake a lot.

You do sound as if you are taking a very sensible approach wiht work exercise, a social life and only moderate alcohol. I'd think the social activity would be particularly important, it is so easy to keep to oneself and I'm not sure it is altogether a good thing.

Do you have family or friends you can lean on at the moment? Again being alone does make the world shrink and makes one tend to concentrate on the hurt and dwell on one's problems.

The only other thing I can think of at the moment is can you do something new in your life to get your interest. When I was suffering hte loss of my partner one of the things I did was coaching, which was a new area for me.

I guess you can talk here anytime, there's normally a few around. We do have a social area and a particular thread called:

Forums / BB Social Zone / The BB cafe

Where you can just have light chat with others.

Croix

[GemAndLogan]

Hi Cheesetoastie,

Welcome to the forum.

I'm really sorry for what you're going through, to invest so much into one person, to guide them through their issues and to make so many sacrifices only to have them leave is just heartbreaking.

Croix has given you the best advice possible but I just wanted to add what works for me in the lack of sleep department.

I suffer from PTSD after extreme trauma and sleep has always been tricky, especially when I am sleeping alone. Often when I do finally fall asleep alone, I have nightmares about the past.

Mediation/relaxation exercises really help me, there are a lot of free apps out there that I love using.

I was never open to meditation in the past but since trying it, I've found it really helpful in clearing my mind and relaxing me.

I also drink sleep/anti stress tea before bed which helps too

Another tip I found helpful is if you're in bed and sleep just isn't happening, don't lie awake for hours. Instead get up, do something like read a book or put the TV back on (not in the bedroom) then try to go to bed again when you start to feel tired.

This works for me because if I try to sleep and it's not working, I get frustrated and then sleep REALLY won't happen.

I hope any of that helps, it sound like you're doing all the right things in taking care of yourself, hang in there and keep doing what you're doing, the sleep issue will resolve itself too in time.

I really wish you all the best, post here any time

Gem

[To_Old_For_This]

HI Cheesetoastie

I am really sorry to read what you are going through. Do you think you will reunite with your wife at some time? Are you still communicating?

As far as sleep is concerned, I have suffered terribly from insomnia my entire life. The best thing I have found is meditation. It really helps me to relax. I have sleeping pills, but rarely use them these days.

I wonder too, if your mind is whirling, if it might help for you to grab a journal and write down all those thoughts, get them out, so you are not churning them over in your head all night. Sometimes I find this better even than talking to someone, as it matters little if your thoughts make no sense or are insignificant. If they are bothering you, get them out in a safe place that only you have access too.

I truely hope things all work out for the best for you. It sounds as if you have put yourself forward for this woman and given her tremendous support. I hope she realises just what a special person you are, sooner, rather than later.

Take care of you.

[Sean_mc]

Hi there

sorry you had the need to find this site but you will get the support you need & some helpful advise, have been where you are wife had a car accident a few yrs back & had bad back problems,I stepped up with everything form cleaning to cooking,she had an opp & it fixed her problem, as soon as she was fit enough she would be out walking for hours getting fit losing weight, started seeing friends every weekend for months while I was at home doing the chores anyway last October she said to me I love you but am not in love with you, I was devastated, we were married 28 yrs ago been through a lot together, the next day I came home from work to find she had packed her things & left, that was 8 mths ago, not seen her since Xmas day and have had no contact since beginning of may, I was not sleeping ; eating,& barely functioning, my advise would be go & see your gp I hate taking meds but without them I wouldn’t be able to sleep, it’s. Hard road ahead my friend & I feel your pain, not sure if I have been any help but am here if needed.

Cheers Sean

[Cheesetoastie]

Thanks so much everyone for the responses! This is an amazing group of people trying to support each other. It’s extremely heart warming to know that there are other people out there suffering through horrible things and yet have the ability to try to help others still. This has really given me some joy in seeing people gather together like this.

At this point I can’t see my wife (ex-wife now I suppose) and I getting back together. After all this she has put me through I don’t feel like I could take her back anyway.

I’m lucky enough to have some great friends and family helping me out at the moment however this doesn’t stop the waves of feelings of horribleness that keep coming and going. I think last night I was so exhausted that I managed to finally have a good sleep which was good. A little bit scared about sleeping tonight but I think I’ll give meditation a try.

For anyone going through a similar thing I would highly recommend exercise as a way of dealing with thoughts. Also can be extremely social and fun! Has been helping me heaps.

Still difficult to understand how people can change so quickly without knowing. Like I had literally no idea and it just happened. I think the most brutal part is that I understand that she needs to go out on her own and get through life. At least if we were fighting or something maybe I could find a reason to hate her and it might help. But it probably wouldn’t. We are still communicating but not very much. We are trying to do the whole thing as maturity as possible in terms of house hold items, the dog (which is with me thank god!) and finances.

Once again is thanks everyone for listening!

[Croix]

Dear Cheesetoastie~

I'm wishing you well for tonight and thought I'd mention the free smartphone app called Smiling Mind. It is the only way I get even close to meditation and mindfulness (mind like a grasshopper at time I guess) but with practice does work. I thought of it as others have mentioned meditation, and I've used it in situations where I could not sleep or had nightmares and got up for a while. I found It is worth the effort to learn it.

I'm awfully glad the dog is with you, mine nags til I exercise 🙂

Croix

[GemAndLogan]

Just wanted to second Croix's post about Smiling Mind!

It's a great meditation app without being too "alternative" for everyone's taste.

I definitely agree with you about exercise, it has been a huge help for me too!

It sounds like you're on the right track with everything, you'll get through this and start a new journey which is something to be excited about

All the best

Gem