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Marriage advice needed - Struggling with trust & lying

LMClost
Community Member

Ok this is my 1st time posting...

So I am married (a little over a year) and have been with my wife for over 5 years. I am a compulsive liar and this was affecting our relationship. I sought out councelling early last year and I genuinely feel that it had helped me. We have grown closer after mistrust in me because of these lies. (I have never cheates on her and lies were mainly money related but I don't do that anymore)

We sleep in seperate beds due to my snoring and our intimacy is pretty low. My wife has endometriosis (hope I spelt that right) so it is difficult for her to have sex.

The 30th Dec , I was scrolling through a website when ashley madison popped up...I clicked on and browsed for about 5/10 minutes then removed the account and went back to the original (i felt both guilty and it was boring).

Anyway the days after I had a picture of me on my phone with a tile accross my face (I think I had accidentally screen shot it) and my wife seen it. I completely panicked and told a flat out lie which she knew it was a lie. I made an excuse to leave the house because i was shaking and panicked. Anyway I came home and told her the truth.

She is hurt, feels betrayed and I will be going to see another councellor shortly but I feel like this time it's over! I feel physically sick (have vomited for 4 days straight) and depressed with the thought of losing what we have together and what we could have created.

I know I am disgusting for going onto that site (believe me I hate myself for it) but she is so distraught by the lies.

I think I needed to post this to get it off my chest but I'm at a loss as to how to save my marriage!

I love her but I needed to respect her!

LMC

5 Replies 5

pipsy
Community Member

Hi LMClost. Compulsive lying is usually started in childhood when the need to impress our peers is important. We often hear the adage of 'my brother/father/mother/sister etc is better than yours', that is the start of the fabrication as no-one is better than anyone else. We're all different, individualistic -yes, but better, no. This compulsion to compare who we are and what we have or don't have makes us feel as though what we have is better. Unfortunately, in your case, somewhere you got reality mixed with your increasing need for fantasy and the lying became your nature. Seeing a counselor will only work if you are prepared to be totally honest. If you start fabricating to your counselor, you are wasting time and effort. Telling the counselor about the Ashley Madison site, also admitting you have a compulsion to lie means looking directly at the counselor and not hiding behind your fantasy. Can I ask if you've ever looked at yourself in the mirror and admitted you have the overwhelming compulsion to lie? Maybe before you see your counselor, you could try doing that. If you can look directly at 'you' and say out loud, 'I am a liar', see how you feel. You have told us -yes, but have you told 'you'?

Lynda

LMClost
Community Member

Thank you Linda,

Yes I have, i look at myself with complete disgust and am very embarrassed that I have done this and put us in this situation.

I have looked at myself and said I am a liar along with a couple of other hurtful truths that needed to be said.

pipsy
Community Member

Hi LMClost. I'm sorry if what I said hurt you in any way. That was not the intention, I don't consider you disgusting, I consider you to be very lost, as your chosen name suggests. Judging yourself is not really helpful as we always tend to judge ourselves overly harshly. You are getting help, that is the first part of accepting you have a problem. It is actually an illness, rather than a problem. Any sort of compulsion is a type of illness. There are gambling compulsions, this too is an illness. When you see your counselor, I suggest you tell him you have an illness rather than telling him you are disgusting. Don't be afraid to be honest, he will not judge you. Tell him you need help as your illness compels you to lie. We are here for you to support you on this painful journey. You will never be alone.

Lynda

LMClost
Community Member
Oh no Lynda I didn't take offence. It's just how I feel. I have ahd a couple of email reply's so I'm working through them. It's so hard because we spent the day together shopping and for some parts it was ok but for others frustrating. She says she has had enough but will give me 1 more chance...unfortunately I think she is looking for a lie...I'm not going to give her one

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello LMClost, a very good reply by Lynda and everything that she said is so true, so I'm pleased that you haven't taken offence to what she said.
Lying is a compulsion because you want to be accepted for what you said, but as soon as your wife finds out in more ways than one, then the s****t hits the fan, especially when money has been used for either unintentional means or by wasting it, well there is no difference between these two.
We all have our secrets and do tell white lies and this happens with all people whether they want to admit to it or not, but once you extend this it's breaking the trust of your marriage, and we get married because we trust our spouse whole heartedly.
Your wife is suffering from an illness I'm sure that both of you certainly wouldn't wish upon anybody, but it was no fault of hers which you seem to realise, but for her to give you 1 more chance does mean she loves you, but she only wants to have honesty, so before you answer her just think about what you are going to say, because she will be expecting you to lie.
You know when someone lies they have to try and back track what they have said before, but when you are living in a marriage there are too many slip ups that will always catch you, instead being honest and face the consequences that are much easier to handle.
I'm not sure you are quite happy with this marriage, because your intimacy might be something you want but are unable to do because of your wife's condition so maybe this is where your lying stems from. Geoff.