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Lost myself loving someone who cant live without me

Community Member

title. 24/m
going to be a bit long winded need to get all of this out

people seem to come to me when they have problems, depression especially. ive helped close friends come out of their "holes" unhealthy, over weight, isolating themselves. I felt like i had the key to happiness, like it was simple. small steps every day to feel better. listen to the birds, appreciate the suns warmth.
I met a girl. its been 2 years and we live together. she has diagnosed issues and I try and have tried everything i know how to help her. it feels like nothing i do is enough help her be happy. I love her. but i dont think i can be with her. its seeping into me and im losing myself my friends my hobbies my love for life. and she says she cant live without me. I cant get over how i would be making a choice to leave a choice to be selfish and give up. it would destroy her. ive tried to get her back to therapy and ive tried every trick to get her up and out the house to hear the birds and feel the sun. 

she needs help and i thought it could be me to save her. i try to be who she needs, working for our future but i get the same resistance to positivity. 

im failing what i thought was my lifes purpose. to help someone. im lost 

2 Replies 2

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

The warmest welcome to you at such and intensely challenging time in your life. You sound like such a naturally beautiful deeply caring person in the lives of those you touch. The world is blessed to have you in it.


If it's true what they say, 'Some people/situations are sent to test us', we can definitely feel tested. There can be times where we may even be left thinking 'Why or how am I failing this test?' or 'Why or how am I failing this person?'. I've found a valid question can be 'What is this test? If I could name it, what would I call it?'.  In other words, what is this challenge really about? Test or not, what you're facing is definitely a challenge or a collection of challenges all rolled into one.


Could it be

  • a challenge to know when to end a relationship or reform it into something you can better work with? Is it a challenge to understand what you will and won't tolerate or what you can and can't tolerate?
  • a challenge to implement some 'tough love' strategies? Sometimes a gentle kind of love isn't enough to make a difference to someone. Setting demands and boundaries can be such a hard thing to do at times, especially if we're not used to it. Kind of along the lines of 'If you want this relationship to continue, you need to find further assistance with the challenges you're facing because I can no longer manage helping you on my own. I'm now refusing to do this on my own'.
  • a challenge to focus on taking care of your own light? With this one, if you are the light for others in dark times, even a light keeper's gotta do maintenance from time to time (to keep that light strong). A light keeper can find their light being drained if they're not careful, sometimes to depressing degrees. A challenge to recharge or put you back in charge.
  • a challenge to find what could work for them? What works for them may not be your cup of tea but it could be theirs. For example, if you're not into soulful kind of stuff but they've shown hints of being interested in the past, guiding them toward what they're interested in could be a challenge. It's about leading them to find like minded people who might be able to offer guidance and support in the way of challenges and growth. It's also a challenge to venture outside the square when it comes to new ideas.


While having faced challenges with depression over the decades, personally I'm a gal who'll try just about anything (within reason) when it comes to trying to find what can make a difference. While a quest to find a difference was initially born out of pure desperation, nowadays it's more so naturally become 'Okay, so what haven't I tried that I need to try at this point in my life, under the circumstances?'. I've found far more helpful stuff outside the square than inside of it. Could this challenge actually involve your quest? Could it be about your self development when it comes to finding things you can add to your light?

Community Member


Reading your post reminds me of myself. I have a family member with serious mental health disorders. I too look after them and try my hardest to support them and try to offer up options for them to help improve their current circumstances. But most of the time to no avail or traction.

Unfortunately, I have had to come to the reality that nobody can change their own lives but themselves. You have zero control on someone else thoughts,feelings and actions. Only yourself. Your support,kindness and encouragement are fabulous,however over time if not received how we want,can be a source of exhaustion and frustration for you. As a human,you only have a certain amount of tolerance you can experience.

It is not selfish to prioritise your own mental health. It is not selfish if your relationship has run it’s course. It isn’t healthy to feel guilted into staying in a situation if you won’t be happy or present in the relationship. If you both aren’t able to support and boost each other in a relationship, it is okay to consider yourself and choices.

However, how you handle things is important. Do you have a counsellor or mental health professional you can talk to about this subject? On how to approach a break up(if that is what you want) or how to continue being in your relationship? Is couples counselling an option? Do you get along well with her family and could explain that they need to be there for her,if you can’t?

YOU don’t need to “Save” anyone. That isn’t your job. You are your own priority. You have explained that your own life is not what you have been working towards. Your attention needs to be focused on yourself. You are the only one who can live your life,no one else can or will do that for you.

You obviously have such a kind and nurturing heart. It can be such a strength and also a weakness. But you can’t let it be your own downfall. If you can recognise it already,you have made a step.

I know you are afraid for your partner, but that can’t be the only reason you are staying.

 I wish you well.