Lost, exhausted and hate life!

[Stuck82]

Hi, i hope someone can give me hope that i can be strong enough. I have been together with my husband for 15 years. Married for 10 and we have 2 beautiful boys together. I met him when i was 18 and been with him ever since. I have been depressed for a long time but finally got help last year. I see a psychologist and i am also on anti depressants. I see my doctor monthly. I feel not as cloudy on the medication but still very down. I do the jobs that i have to do and make sure my family are looked after and that's it. I do not do anything that i enjoy anymore cause i just dont care. My husband is a child, he plays computer games, drinks alcohol alot. We have been through so much in tbe past 5 years and i have finally had enough. But i don't know what i want anymore. I feel so down. I feel like i want to be on my own but then i cant see myself without my husband. I don't have Facebook or any social media connection, i don't go to any work partys, he hates me working where i work full stop, i cant even get a tattoo. Why? Cause it upsets him! He says i am an attention seeker, a liar, dumb! I don't do any of these things cause i want him to be happy and not be angry at me (even though he never is happy) people say to me to just leave but i can't cause i don't want to upset him and give up. I feel like im not being a good wife if i did. Im going crazy cause i just want to be me and not be put down or judged. But i feel like i can't leave cause i will break up my family i have wanted so much. What do i do? Im exhausted! All i think is, whats he going to feel or think about me!? He'll hate me. I don't talk to him about anything im feeling cause i don't want to argue anymore. Im tired but i feel so stuck. I want my family but i want to be on my own with my kids. I don't know what to feel anymore. I hate my life. I hate what and who i have become! I know i need to fix it but cant. Im miserable and just so down. I feel ive given everything... there is so much more to my story but it just goes on and on. Seeing my psychologist and doctor help but not to a point where i can make a decision. When will i just have enough?

[Doolhof]

Hi Stuck,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. Sorry to read you find yourself in a bit of a difficult situation. Relationships can be difficult at times. It can be tricky not knowing what to do.

One thing I have learned is that I can not change my husband. He is who he is, but I can change my opinions and ideas, and try to make the most out of each day.

I have thought about having a tattoo for years also. I have now decided that a tattoo might be a bit too radical for me and my situation, so I have considered a tattoo like picture to have on the wall instead.

Can you start setting some small goals for yourself that include doing things you enjoy?

Think of places you can take your boys to that the three of you will enjoy. You can invite your husband to join in too, but it might be nice to have a special outing by yourselves.

How would your husband react if you walked away from him or told him to stop when he was putting you down?

When he does that, you can tell yourself that you are a wonderful person and you are not who he says yu are.

Do you have hobbies or interests you might like to be more involved in?

You could contact Relationships Australia, they may be able to give you some advice.

Hope some of this helps.

Cheerio for now, from Mrs. Dools

[pipsy]

Hi Stuck82. You've been with your hubby since you were 18, I gather you never had a bf before him. It sounds as though he wants you to be what he wants, rather than accepting you want different things. Trying to please others by doing what they want inevitably makes us miserable because we end up losing our own identity. Name calling is not on, no matter who it is. Husbands insulting wives and vice versa means no respect from either party. Your husband's lack of respect for you and your feelings, points to him not being willing to support you emotionally, but you're expected to support his past time. I get the feeling you're wanting permission to leave, that is something only you know the answer to. If you left him, you believe it would mean you're not being a 'good' wife. I think you need to take care of your needs and do what you need to, to make yourself happy. He probably would be upset if you left him, the question is why? I would maybe ask him how he would feel if you were to leave, even perhaps go somewhere for a holiday, just you and the kids, if you want to. If he is not happy about you having a break, ask him what he has against you having a holiday. You deserve to be happy, being called an attention seeker, dumb, a liar etc, is making you miserable. Have a think about what you want, as opposed to his expectations of what you're supposed to be. Leaving or staying is your call, perhaps talking to a counsellor might give you some idea where you are emotionally.

Lynda.

[Neil_1]

Dear Stuck

I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

This is a tricky situation that you’re in and I feel for you that your husband is treating you this way. In fact it sounds far more controlling and that there are not many ‘up-sides’ for you in this relationship.

It’s awesome to hear that you have two beautiful boys, which I believe would be love and joy of your life.

I think it’s awesome that you were able to seek out your own professional help and went to see your GP and then subsequently were referred to a psychologist and also to be put on medication.

Does your husband work?

I’m guessing that he doesn’t like you working where you work – is that because you’re then not at home to be doing things around the home? I suspect he’s not overly big on helping you out with anything related to the (a) home and (b) the boys as well.

You sound like a wonderful person who does not need what your husband is dishing out to you – calling you names and being on the edge to be angry with you is just not on.

You’re exhausted, you don’t care anymore and you’ve tried to fix this, but you can’t. This is screaming out to me that something must happen for you and happen soon.

Obviously leaving him is the last option.

I’ve read through, but I can’t seem to see where you’ve sat down with him to tell him how it makes you feel when he calls you names? How it makes you feel by doing everything for him, to make him happy and moreso, because you don’t want him to get angry. Oh oh, I’ve just read where you’ve said about not wanting to talk anymore cause you don’t want arguments … so perhaps you’ve raised this before and he’s gone off at you.

If you suggested couple counselling, do you think he’d go along?

If you suggested, as Lynda said, a possible holiday way for just you and the boys, would he be ok with this?

Do you have any siblings or close friends who you feel you could confide in?

I’d really love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Doolhof]

Hi Stuck,

I do hope you get back to us. Sometimes it is very hard to face up to the reality of a situation. You have been given a few different ideas and suggestions here. I hope you consider them one way or another.

We often wonder how people are getting on when we read and answer their posts, I personally hope you that people are able to change their lives around, to find ways to help improve their lives, or to accept their situations and make the most of them.

I'd also like to suggest that you change the name you are using, or to add a different name to the bottom of your text. The only reason being is that there has been another person on the forums using the title Stuck (14) and people may confuse the two of you.

It is important that you are considered as yourself and not someone else. Maybe you could sign off as "Moving Forward!" I know when I am feeling down I need to give myself a push in the "being more positive" direction.

Just a thought, maybe you could write a letter to your husband telling him exactly how you feel about everything. The rip that one up or keep it for your psychologist and then write him another letter that you will give to him to read.

Once you have the anger and frustration out in the first letter, you may better understand what it is that you really want out of life/family/your relationship.

All the best to you, From Mrs. Dools

[Stuck82]

Hi Doolhof, sorry it's been a few days. Its hard to get on here when my husband is around. Thank you for your replys. Firstly ive told my husband to stop putting me down and name calling but it does no good. Still carrys on and has no respect at all for sometimes. I enjoy horse riding and i do have horses although because of how i have been feeling i have not ridden in 12 months. Im trying to make small steps but its hard.

I have told my husband that we should seperate and he told me to go if i wanted. Its hard cause i live a fair few hours away from my family so feel a bit isolated and can't just get up and leave . I have to think of my kids schooling and my animals etc. I have really thought about things the last few days and i think it's just a matter of time before i do leave. I'm tired of the mental and emotional abuse. He refuses to gonto marriage counseling with me as well. His excuse is childish. He says that beacuse i didn't do certain things for him (eg. Delete his mate off my facebook account when i had one) that he won't do this for me. I didn't delete him cause i had done nothing wrong, it was all to do with my husbands insecurities. Maybe i should have, i don't know but its still not a reason to not seek help for our marriage.

[Stuck82]

Hi pipsy, thank you for your reply. I have had one boyfriend before my husband. So I haven't really known what it's like to be on my own since i was 17. The name calling is more so when we have an argument. He gets terribly angry and knows it will upset me. More so though he will say it infront of our kids and i don't want them hearing it thinking that this is acceptable behavior. I sit them down and tell them its not. I know my relationship is not a happy and healthy one. But i find it hard to leave cause i ask myself constantly "what if i regret it and then can't go back?" And being as manipulative as my husband is he has said in the past that he would have nothing to do with our boys if i did leave. He plays with my emotions all the time.

[Stuck82]

Hi Neil1, thank you for your reply. My kids are my world and they are the only thing keeping me afloat at the moment. I feel gulity that they are in the situation they are in beacuse my husband and i are so unhappy. I know they see it. I want so much better for them but as i said i find it extremely hard to leave. My husband does work. We work in the same work place but totally seperate areas. (I am a shift worker and he is Monday to Friday ) it is more so a male dominant eork place but they're plenty of woman too. He hears stories (not involveing me) from our side and has all these insecurities. Inhave never given him any reason to doubt my trust or loyalty. He constantly says to me 'what if the shie was on the other foot'? My reply is i trust him and thats that. Even wearing makeup to work for me is a big issue... its bloody ridiculous that i need to justify why i want to wear makeup. It drives me insane! I have suggested couples counselling but he refuses.if you read my other post you'll see why. Very childish in my opinion. I have also told him.i want a break and he won't do breaks. He said once i leave thats it. I want to leave but have all thses doubts like what if I regret it? What if i can't do it on my own? I have a great job and family support but so many doubts.

[Stuck82]

Hi doolhof, thank you for your reply. Sorry i haven't been on,its hard when my husband is around. I thought i replied but it didn't come up on here. I have written a letter to him but not in real detail of how i feel.. i do write down stuff so i remember things when i see my psychologist. I feel.i cannot be my true self at all around him. I am sick of the judgments... my hobbies are horses and singing. I love horse riding. Its been my passion since i could walk. However feeling the way i have its been at least 12 months since i have ridden my horses. I have to try and make baby steps beacuse i know once i start ill love it again. I have started singing again but i am not supported with it much by my husband. I mean why would he.. he thinks i am an attention seeker as it is with me wanting a tattoo and wearing a little bit of makeup to to work... he supports me in singing at family functions etc but as far as me wanting to taking it further (eg the voice) it's a no and he will not have it. Be does not want me in the spot light nor will he want tonhave the responsibility of looking after our boys mire than he has to. Sounds bad i know but all he does is think about himself yet he says to me all the time im selfish? From what? I look after my family, i work and thats all i do... how am i bloody selfish? What cause i want to gave a go a something thats a bit more exciting than singing in the shower? ... so damn draining he is.

[Neil_1]

Dear Ess82

Thank you for getting back to us.

This situation, the more I read about it, is more stressful and not right for you than I initially thought.

He sounds like a control freak who won’t let you get out and do something that you really enjoy.

You’ve tried to suggest couple’s counselling, but he’s refused.

His whole demeanour is as you say, very childish and more. I agree whole heartedly with you on that.

May I ask, if you were to make a break, would the children be going with you? To me, it sounds like they should as you mentioned in one of your responses where he tries to make sure he does as little for them as he can. I also think that from how he is and his attitude for him saying that he’d want no part in his children’s life – that is so terribly sad, but on the positive, it could be a huge benefit for your boys, as they won’t potentially have any of his bad traits rubbed off on them.

So if you were to make a break from this, do you have a place or someone safe with whom you could go too?

Kind regards

Neil