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Looking for answers - he won’t give them to me

Community Member
I thought I had met the most amazing man.
We were engaged after one year of dating.
thisgs had been pretty amazing .
The doubt began when he had parked his car at my place we were staying at his.
He made plans to play golf but needed his golf clubs that were in his car at my place.
I said I would get them for him as I was heading that way & could pick them up. He acted all weird- he even said oh no I will go and get them on the motorbike -
I rearranged my appointments to go straight home as he seemed nervous.
I got home went to the boot of his car and yes the golf clubs were there and a box with bag of stuff - i decided to look through the bag.
I found a wig a heap of adult toys and stockings and female underwear.
I was shattered- My first thoughts were why is he getting a woman to dress up for him and not asking me.
His first response when confronted was he just bought them from the adult shop on a cheap sell out table- I replied with I don’t think they sell second hand toys and worn underwear.
he then changed his story and said they were from before me and had been in his car for over a year.I said so which is it.
he said he didn’t want his daughter to find in his house ( she is 24 ) He had also lent his car to his son and this wasn’t a problem. it never crossed my mind at this time he was dressing up.
I received a picture text from him of a person in dressed up he didn’t crop the top of message and it mentioned a site so I googled the site. I was now questioning his sexuality.
He started sending me more pictures and would just say he was trying to shock me and that it is only fantasy. Lots of adult pictures and named acts which i looked up to find out what they were.

He had asked me to do things that I have questioned, although he says these are fantasies only. And he is not cheating and there is no one else in his life and he only loves me.
His brother is aggressive to me - he yells at me & is very jealous of us, tells me that he loves him more than I do & how much he hates me & has told his brother to leave me.
I have been very compassionate in any approach but I am met with anger and nastiness and told I am crazy
My question is - is he cheating and leading a double life
4 Replies 4

Dear Just need answers,

We would like to welcome you to our forums, and thank you for finding the strength to post about your deeply personal confusion. We are a very helpful and supportive community.

We understand how painful and confusing it can be when you discover that the person you have fallen in love with has secret desires which are not acceptable to society. You might wish to consider the following questions.

How would you define your love for your partner?

Is your love for your partner strong enough to accept all of him for who he truly is?

If the answer to the second question is yes, do you have the internal resources to stand up for him if judgmental people attack him because he is different?

We know how difficult it can be to have a partner who doesn't fit into the norms of society. In fact, some of us understand how difficult it can be to be the one who doesn't fit into the norms of society.

You are most welcome to our nonjudgmental and accepting community. We strive to be accepting and supportive to those who need a welcoming place.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Just need answers, when someone does certain things that you are unaware of, then the whole situation is confusing, whether you want to stay with him and cope with his fantasy or whether you reject it, especially as his brother has other ideas.

I can't say whether or not he is living a double life, but if he has these clothes locked in the boot of the car, then perhaps this is possible, the problem is he has kept all of this from you.

There are people who do dress up as another person and make a living from it, however, other people know this and it's accepted, but when it's hidden creates many questions as to why.

If his brother is making these type of statements then this relationship would require answers so you know the truth.

Take care.


Thank you for your reply.

I have tried to talk with him about the adult toys and wig I have also tried to be understanding and compassionate. I would never shame anyone.

together we have dressed him in female clothes and shoes ( his request ) and I have put make up on him and made him look beautiful and feel amazing.

I would absolutely stand up for him to anyone who was or is mean to him.

I am prepared to keep his secret.

I love and adore him, I believe his ex wife left him because of finding out but I am not her.

The challenge I am facing is; I believe he is cheating and as confusing as it may seem I have said just be honest to me and don’t treat me like a fool.

We can still have the most amazing relationship and friendship but let’s build a solid foundation.

He wants us to buy a house together but I can’t if he won’t be honest. I am then scared he will leave me and I will lose financially.

I am aware there may be needs I cannot accommodate I have also said to him I would be okay with that but he still chooses to lie to me.

treating me like a fool to me means he does not respect me.

He excludes me from any information around any outings coming up and get extremely hurt finding things out at the last minute or after the facts.

I do not feel included and I am not sure if he is trying to push me away.



Community Member
Different folks need different strokes .
That sums it .
We are all very different with our sexual needs
The main point is he loving, Not abusive , Control freak, Kind.
If its positive see how it goes.
As far as his toxic brother make your partner decide it's you or him.