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Long distance

Brent_and_Kate
Community Member

My partner and I live an hours drive from each other. He works even further away and is building a house where he works. I currently rent with 2 housemates and he is living at home at the moment with his parents. We both work full time and he has other activities after work during the week and on Saturday. My family all live 2 hours away in the other direction. We are struggling with not seeing each other and I am personally feel we should live together, but neither of us want to change jobs and move. We see each other on Tuesday when I drive up to see him, Wednesday when he comes down to me and on the weekends usually alternating. We are both very tired after work as well being new grads. My partner did live in the same area last year when we were studying but moved back home for his job.

one issue for me is that he lives with his mum and dad, and his mum does a lot for him. we both also were brought up differently, my experience of love and relationships is very different to his. My parents fought, argued, but are good at compromising and also come to a solution. They show affection and my sister and I always knew how much they love each other. My parents have a very equal partnership and always talk things out and do not fall into specific gender roles. My partners parents are pretty much the opposite; they do not show affection and probably don’t love each other and his father has had a stroke and his mother basically spends her time looking after him and the family as she has done for all her married life. He doesn’t expect to have a relationship like his parents or follow gender norms, but he hasn’t been modelled effective communication.
I communicate and deal with issues quite differently to my partner. I’m not sure he actually knows how to show his love to me. I know he loves me Very much but he struggles to show it and communicate. I’d don’t think he knows what to do in a relationship. I feel I have had to make most of the sacrifices so far. I don’t feel like a priority in his life
My partner feels like we are drifting apart and struggling more every week with the distance. He also feels that he is stealing My time by asking me to travel for the relationship. He feels selfish playing the sports he loves

4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion
Hi, welcome

This is a tough one. While reading your post my automatic thought was that there is a lack of full commitment in your relationship. If there was then all these issues would take a back seat compared to your unity. I blame your youth, actually mainly his, for this.

In many cases a adult child is their own person, they grow away from their parents short comings but your partner hasn't done so. Your foresight is significant because if you do move in together guess who will be the old fashioned homemaker? You'll indeed be replacing his mother with those household duties. Some people wouldn't mind doing that especially a male farmers wife for example (traditionally) but times have changed.

To test all this a period of time as live in partners might be your only way to find out truly if it will work.
If you both committed to 12 months as live in partners and divided up the household chores then see how he goes committing to his side of those duties.

Finally, his lack of communicating live and expression of affection etc - we are all different. To some this could be tolerated, to others not at all. This dilemma is, I assume, why you wrote in.

To most people if such a relationship doesn't feel right, doesn't possess the excitement on both sides and difference are vast....its too big a gamble to base your future on hope. Does this make sense?

We look at potential partners as people that might "change" over time or we might even "mould them a little. Please place the following in the search bar at the top of the page.

The frog and the scorpion
OR GOOGLE

Beyondblue topic the frog and the scorpion

Repost anytime

TonyWK

Thanks for your insight. I think perhaps I painted the picture wrong. I think his parents relationship has affected his relationship with love.
Basically he has come to the conclusion that he doesn’t love me as much as he did before and can’t commit to me 100%. This is what I feared but I think he struggled to admit it. It is what his behaviour has been telling me. It’s so painful, but I still love him so much.
I don’t think he fully understands his feelings. I think there could be a number of reasons why, but I don’t know so I just have to move on.
He wants to stay friends, it hurts too much and I don’t think he deserves my friendship right now. I can’t be his support anymore.
I want to explain things to him. I’m wondering if I write him a letter. I just don’t really know what to say. I feel so pathetic and devastated. I thought we had a relationship worth fighting for.

Hi Kate

We are all a product of our upbringing. Some of us will emulate our parents, others will try and learn from the sins of the parents. But even then, our upbringing will influence our adult lives.

When I was at university, one of my female classmates was in a relationship with a farmworker employed by her parents. He was over 2 hours away, living in Gympie. While at university (Brisbane) her relationship with the farmhand quickly vanished as she developed multiple relationships with others students over the years.

Many years later, I surprised to learn that she married the farmhand that worked for her parents. I think they now run the farm together. So yes, we are a product of our upbringing. You can take the girl out of the county, but you can't always take the country out of the girl. This is neither good, nor bad.

My suggestion to you would be to let things lie, and let time work its magic. If it is meant to be, you will come to some arrangement. If not, you will both go your separate ways. You are two different people; there is nothing wrong with that.

I wish I had the answer you are looking for.

Cheers

Paul

Thanks Paul, I appreciate your words.