Long distance, extreme emotions and insecurity!

[SweetAmara]

Hi,

My boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship for two years. Over that time we have been through a lot together and up until recently everything had been mostly positive.

In recent weeks, the strain of the "what-ifs" has gotten to me, which as a result my boyfriend has distanced himself from me. This is because he is the one planning to me and with very little physical evidence (as wrong as it is) I just don't know how/when it will work. Despite being told it'll happen in February. He and I have also recently started new jobs, so our window of time together has closed drastically, since he's in a Florida time zone and I am in SA. Before it was quite easy for us to talk. With this distance, he's been working security really late, then going and hanging out with friends so regularly that I haven't really been factored in.

This really bothered me a few days ago when he was out with his friends for 12 hrs on my day off and I waited at home patiently to spend time with him. The joy of social media was seeing it all pop up on my news feed and feeling incredibly isolated. We later solved this issue and attributed it to bad communication and I explained that I felt insecure because it felt like he had "moved on" with his life. It also brought up a lot of old issues for me as well.

We've since reconciled and I feel like we're on the road to recovery. We're texting and calling etc. But my anxiety (as much as I trust him and have for the past 2 years)

[SweetAmara]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks for your message. Yes, that's right, not having regularly physical contact to deal with my mounting anxiety is very difficult for me, it's something that I know he finds difficult as well. At the moment it's beginning to/has overwhelmed us; but I am coming to visit him in a few short months and feel some of that tension will die down. It's been a year since we've seen each other in person. For anybody that would harrowing.

Also, as I mentioned earlier, he is planning to move in the new year, which will eliminate so much of the physical emptiness we're both experiencing. It's not ideal in the least, but I have trust and confidence that the distance will end soon, rightly or wrongly.

Thanks!

[Croix]

Dear SweetAmara~

I know that you are someone that will cope, you have strength that shows though the anxiety and doubt in your writing. While I'm sorry that professional help has not done what you'd hoped at this stage I would not give up on the idea - even though it might take a change to find what suits.

While obviously nobody has a crystal ball and can say what the future holds there are things you can do in your life to lessen the worries, not a bad thing anyway for everyone as uncertainty is part of life.

They revolve around firstly reducing background stress and secondly dealing with specific anxiety attacks as they occur. This is the strategy I employ myself and by and large it is a good one, though not perfect

Have a look at:

Forums/ Anxiety/ SELF HELP TIPS FOR MANAGING ANXIETY

It is very long, tedious reading in parts but contains pure gold in places, I've found it very helpful indeed.

Forgive me for being blunt, but as a university educator for over 15 years I've seen many who have been studying because their parents think it is the thing to do. Some do OK, some do not try, but many others are like you and beset by problems related to the stress of trying to please parents while not necessarily being suited for that particular course, or at a time that is not really suitable considering the other things in their lives.

I was talking above about minimizing the background stress in your life so that anxiety and anxiety attacks are less. It looks like you are stuck between two opposite needs.

I've no answer for that, in fact I'm probably a bad one to voice an opinion as my attempts to deal with my parents' unsuitable ambitions for me lead to my being disinherited - not something I'd recommend for anyone.

As Geoff points out very vividly, a LDR is a hard thing to maintain, and much of a face to face relationship is lost in the distance. Your impending visit sounds pretty marvelous

Croix

[SweetAmara]

Hi Croix,

I am trying and have another appointment with my counselor in a few weeks. I guess part of the issue is wanting a definitive answer to the feelings I am experiencing.

I will have a look at the article.

While I now know that studying for my parents was the wrong approach to take, I am in over my head now, and I will continue on this endless merry-go-round till it's done. That's the reality at this point and why I am so desperate for it to be over. University has decimated my self esteem and my confidence in my own creativity etc. But I need it to be finished.

That's true, I guess I am stuck between the two, I struggle to face university and I just need to power through a little longer so I can get out.

At the moment, the visit is the only thing keeping me productive and looking forward, I have so much work to do but I am having trouble doing it. This has been an ongoing battle and I have no idea at this point what to do about it. No university gives me the support structure I need.

[Croix]

Dear SweetAmara~

Please excuse me if I ramble on for a bit:)

You know, one of the things that tends to come across when reading your posts is a sense you want to deal with things, have them done and out the way.

I tend to be the same way, I'd imagine many with anxiety do. I guess it is not wanting to have ongoing worries.

While I still very much have those urges I'm improving, accepting that an awful lot of things are ongoing, and there is no escaping the fact.

This means I have to have to have some means of coping with these never ending triggers. This goes back to my description of trying to reduce background stress.

One of the things that's not talked about quite so much is setting targets. If you sat a target and achieve it, provided everything else in your life is attended to, then it is a positive experience, you gain self esteem and accomplishment.

If you set the bar too high and fail it may be OK, depends upon how much you were counting on that success. For those with anxiety conditions, such as myself, it does become a problem. Even a small thing can lead to lack of self confidence and self worth.

Now I'm not suggesting you do, or don't do anything. I'm just trying to let you know how I try to make decisions.

The only thing I will say that you might not accept is you are not as stuck as you feel.

I hope the time till the visit passes quickly (I can sympathize with the waiting)

Croix