Lonely and depressed after leaving my ex

[Determined1]

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

So 6 months ago I left my ex boyfriend. We had been together for 7 years and I felt like we weren’t progressing in the relationship like I would have hoped. Fast forward 6 months and I’m feeling more depressed than ever and lonely. I also feel ashamed and guilty for dating someone right after we split. Call it a rebound, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I did that as it’s not like me. Or is it? A few months after the breakup I wrote my ex a letter to explain my actions and where I believe I went wrong in hope we could try again. I poured my heart out into that letter, only for him to let his new girlfriend read it and for her to message me to say how ridiculous it was for me to do that. I don’t know what to do with myself right now, I keep busy with exercise, I socialise, work full time, swim once a week but I can’t help but feel worthless and guilty for leaving him like that. I messaged him to express my disappointment for allowing her to read my letter, and got hit with name calling and anger. I copped it on the chin because I felt like I deserved it.

I miss him at times because he was by my side for a long time knowing I have depression and anxiety, and the thought of ever being with someone else scares me. I get cut up knowing he happily moved on and I do regret doing what I did without fighting a little longer.

Any sort of support is so greatly appreciated.

[Determined1]

Hi Feeling Lonely,

Lovely to meet you! I’m doing okay today, started my knitting last night which I definitely need some more practice on 😛 but looking forward to heading home after work to give it another go. Found some awesome cheap wool at Spotlight and sat in front of the telly and thought to myself ‘ahhh, this is my kind of hobby’. It helped to distract me from my negative thoughts so much, I’d recommend it.

Yeah I currently meditate every night before bed for 20 mins, headphones in and the gentle voice guides me to relaxation. Would love to try yoga! Journaling has been helpful too, so I guess you can say I’ve tried a lot of ways to get me back on track. One massive thing I’ve learnt is to never fight my emotions but let them be. If I’m having a bad day and I’m moody I’ll allow myself to be moody and accept it for what it is. But I’ll be cautious not to say something to hurt someone else’s feelings, which regrettably I used to do. But now I catch myself before the words come out.

You’re so right, some things are difficult to do but it doesn’t mean it’s not achievable. We can train the brain to think differently, and although it takes time, I noticed a slight difference in myself from 6 months ago. I wasn’t as positive as I am now!

Its nice to know we’re not alone in this, and the more support the better. I hope you’re having a lovely day.

[Birdy77]

Hi Determined1 (waves to FL and James😊),

I pictured you sitting there with all your new wool, concentrating hard on your knitting with the tele on in the back ground. Do you already know how to knit? I had to watch some youtube tutorials when i wanted to knit a scarf for my friend ... well, actually, my mum had taught me to knit years ago, but she never taught me how to cast off, so it was either watch the tutorial, or a never ending scarf. It was the wonkiest thing ever, i wouldn't be surprised if it ended up as the dog's blankie.

Yours is going to be The Blanket of Awesomeness, i can feel it in my bones.

You have actually inspired me to take up crochet again, i really want to make a granny square blanket, so thank you for that.

So glad FL found you, you both have this fabulous can-do attitude that brings a smile to my dial.

Hope you all have had a good day today.

🌻birdy

[Feeling_Lonely]

If only retraining the brain was so much easier! The human mind absolutely fascinates me! Like, why does it naturally gravitate to negative, self-limiting thought patterns? It seems so easy to think, “just be happy” or “just think positively” but the reality is thinking those things takes constant attention and effort and it gets tiring and frustrating when you’re doing awesome one day and terribly the next.

I’m glad the knitting is going well. I think I’m going to buy myself a big jigsaw puzzle to have as a little side project at home to distract me.

Ive been doing very basic yoga (yin practice) so someone as inflexible as myself can still participate and enjoy it. It’s quite meditative so brings me peace. I’m hoping my motivation for more higher intensity exercise comes back to me soon. I miss the benefits, but am stuck in a very unmotivated space where I don’t think positively about getting up early to train at all. But as usual, the alarm is set for tomorrow morning so we will see how I go.

It is certainly refreshing to know that we are not alone in feeling what we feel. Finding these forums has been really therapeutic for me. If I’m having a bad day or feeling alone, I come here - some days I’ll contribute, others I’ll just read.

I hope the rest of your day has been a good one! I’m off to counselling now so will check back later. Good luck with knitting round 2! 🙂

[Determined1]

Hey Birdy, never knitted before and it looks easier than it actually is lol started a square but will continue to try and be patient and get more done. It’s a great distraction though. I’m glad I inspired you to pick up a new hobby 🙂

Feeling Lonely, I know how hard it is to re-train the brain but if you persist with it, slowly over time you will notice small changes in your thinking patterns. I’m already looking at my previous relationship differently and seeing all the positive things I gained from it. I agree that it’s hard to get back into things like HIIT but starting small is better then sitting around all day. Calm the mind and get to where you want to be internally and the rest will follow.

I’m off for a spontaneous trip to St Leonard’s for some snorkeling and sun baking. Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

Enjoy the Weekend 👍

[james1]

Snorkelling is great 🙂 I hope you had a wonderful time. I tried to go a couple of weekends ago but the visibility was dreadful!

[Determined1]

Have you tried St Leonard’s beach? It’s true, a clear day is much better! This particular beach to me feels so raw and natural, it’s clean and filled with wonderful shells and sea glass. It’s the beach I go to rejuvenate.

Although the last few days I’ve been feeling really depressed again as I’ve had too much time to think. I’m going to give volunteering a go, have you joined any of the BB volunteer events?

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hi Determined1,

I'm sorry to hear you’re feeling down again, it’s the nature of the beast sometimes. I am very similar to you when I have too much time on my hands to overthink EVERYTHING over and over again. Feeling stuck in rumination, rather than healthy reflection.

I haven’t volunteered through B.B. events but do my own volunteering as a mentor to teens through a specific youth program. I have to say that it is incredibly fulfilling and one of the best distractions. I’m has certainly given my life purpose (especially purpose outside of my ex!)

How was the snorkelling? I do find being by or in the ocean so therapeutic. It really calms me down and brings me peace.

Are you still doing your knitting?

I hope today has been a good one for you. Be kind to yourself always, as I have no doubt you’re an amazing person 🙂

[james1]

Hello Determined1,

No I live in Sydney and while we have a St Leonard's here, it's certainly not a beach! It's nice to hear you really enjoy going to this beach. One of my old psychologists used to have this theory about having a 'safe place' both physically and mentally. So sometimes when you are not physically at your safe place, you can try to evoke the same emotions by mentally placing yourself there and thinking and imagining it.

I'm sorry to hear you have been feeling more depressed than before. It's certainly true that having more time to think can bring it back on, and sometimes we'll feel worse on some days, and better on others. That's why finding ways to spend your time is a great way to always be looking ahead without painting the future with the same bleakness of today.

I have not been to any BB volunteering events, but I suppose this is kind of like volunteering too. I really like doing this and replying to people because I just enjoy meeting and talking to people like you. As Feeling Lonely said, it can be very fulfilling. I first came here, like you, after a break up (4 years together) and it was pretty rough. Since then, I've done heaps of things I never thought I'd ever do before.

In fact, I just read something you wrote before about "looking at my previous relationship differently and seeing all the positive things I gained from it." It's really great that you can do this now. Acceptance that the relationship is over, but also that we changed a lot as a result, is huuge in terms of moving on and moving forward with our lives. A song I haven't mentioned in a while is "For Good" from the musical Wicked, and it basically says the same thing. Even when a relationship or friendship ends, we've been changed for good. So we can be sad about it, but it's not a reflection of who we are now, simply where we've been.

Hope you're doing better today.

James

[Determined1]

Hey Feeling Lonely,

Since I last posted I’ve definitely had more downs than ups, but I put that down to too much thinking again. I have an obsession with Googling symptoms and causes of things which I know I should stop. My therapist giggles when I say ‘yes I’ve been Googling again’! No wonder my mind has a million additional thoughts a day. What I have done is purposely turn my phone off for a few hours to a full day just so I’m not tempted. I love the sound of your volunteering what a great idea, good on you for giving your time and assistance to another in need. I’m determined to volunteer with dogs as they make me so happy, but I’d been keen to go to a fundraiser for BB as well. I think I need to meet some new people and stretch my comfort zone that little bit further. Snorkelling was great! I’ve recently taken up adult swimming lessons just to get my technique right and that’s been the only way I can confidently swim at the beach. It’s a big achievement for me. I’ve always loved the beach and hope one day I can live by the sea. I’m still knitting and trying to get the hang of it, trying to coordinate my hands on the needle but nonetheless enjoying it 😊

Hi James,

I like the sound of a safe place in which we can mentally escape to. Mine would definitely be the beach! My therapist also agrees with this, but also adds that if I’m having problems to mentally walk along that beach and place all of my problems in a box and bury it in the sand. It helps. Yeah I guess you could say this is also like a volunteering opportunity, and you’re doing a wonderful job at giving advice and being so supportive. I too enjoy the forums, I feel like I belong and fit in. I have never been so open about my mental health and it feels so refreshing, especially because I used to be so embarrassed talking about it.

I went to a health food shop yesterday and spoke with the woman at the counter who is a qualified naturopath studying health science. She too has gone through depression/anxiety and because we had that in common we had an instant bond. She gave me great advice like to eat oranges and pineapple together in the morning as this colour combination increases endorphins. I told her I’m feeling very disconnected and depersonalised these days, and she encouraged me to keep going and stay positive. It was a great feeling to know I wasn’t alone and it’s perfectly okay to talk about our problems.

Jumping onto YouTube now to listen to that song from Wicked!

[Feeling_Lonely]

Hiya!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things Determined1 and it certainly takes willpower to turn off your phone and not touch it. I need to do that too. I get too invested in social media, sometimes my ex’s social media (never good especially as he has a new girlfriend and I throw myself a little pity party / why not me every time I see it) and similar to you, also googling symptoms and self help. As I live alone, I guess I somehow feel connected by checking social media regularly but I also recognise it’s just a bad habit and I need to cut it down.

I feel like I do all the right things - gratitude, journaling, meditation, positive affirmations as well as trying to look after myself and reach out to people. But then I just get stuck in my own head with my own thoughts and it can so quickly turn into a very negative downward spiral.

I used to be such a strong, self-motivated, enthusiastic person and I really feel like a shell of my former self who just feels frustrated that I can’t find that person anymore. But in saying all of that I still continue to have hope that I will get there.

That is so awesome that you are doing adult swimming lessons to give you the confidence you need to get out on the beach. The beach is definitely my happy place and I do try to get there as often as I can. Even just looking at the ocean calms me. I love the analogy your therapist gave of burying the box in the sand - I’m going to try that one out! I have also often thought about seeing a naturopath to see if there are certain things I should be including or excluding from my diet to help with the depression and anxiety. Let me know how the pineapple and oranges goes 🙂