Lonely and depressed after leaving my ex

[Determined1]

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to read my post.

So 6 months ago I left my ex boyfriend. We had been together for 7 years and I felt like we weren’t progressing in the relationship like I would have hoped. Fast forward 6 months and I’m feeling more depressed than ever and lonely. I also feel ashamed and guilty for dating someone right after we split. Call it a rebound, I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I did that as it’s not like me. Or is it? A few months after the breakup I wrote my ex a letter to explain my actions and where I believe I went wrong in hope we could try again. I poured my heart out into that letter, only for him to let his new girlfriend read it and for her to message me to say how ridiculous it was for me to do that. I don’t know what to do with myself right now, I keep busy with exercise, I socialise, work full time, swim once a week but I can’t help but feel worthless and guilty for leaving him like that. I messaged him to express my disappointment for allowing her to read my letter, and got hit with name calling and anger. I copped it on the chin because I felt like I deserved it.

I miss him at times because he was by my side for a long time knowing I have depression and anxiety, and the thought of ever being with someone else scares me. I get cut up knowing he happily moved on and I do regret doing what I did without fighting a little longer.

Any sort of support is so greatly appreciated.

[Determined1]

I hope my story will be shared with those who need support during times of depression and anxiety. I used to be afraid of speaking about mental health because of the stigma surrounding it. I searched the internet looking for success stories and mainly came across stories with no outcome for an ending, probably because the person had recovered well enough and didn’t feel the need to return. I just want to say for anyone struggling with any mental health issue please know there are good people willing to help. I am very open and honest about my mental health now and I find if I talk about it, people accept it and don’t judge me for it (so far). It helps me during a stressful meeting for example, if I voice that I’m anxious it forces me to stop and breathe. Don’t be shy to talk about any issue you might have, we all go through something at one point or another and extra support, love, kindness and encouragement makes a big deal to someone. I hope that I am proof that you can recover with persistence, the right tools, talking to others, being kinder to yourself and never giving up. Yes it’s a lot of hard work but hey I’d rather put in all that hard work and see the changes, than sit around and mope about all the hard work needed and not make a difference. Each to their own, but reach out when you feel you need it.

I’m also here for anyone who needs to vent and chat away, anytime x

[Guest_0087]

Hi D

Sorry if the name change confused you (its zimbos) Really awesome to see how things have been going with you. Keep it up. Love that you are also willing to lend a hand to those who need it. Mental health never stops, so it's really awesome to see you acknowledge that and keep at it.

Hope things have been going well for you with everything else? Did you have that date?

[Determined1]

oh hey Zimbos! I was a little confused hehe.

I've been MIA lately, working on myself and trying to push the limits with my comfort zone each day. I've now taken up Zumba and it's amazing for releasing any built up tension, stress and anxiety. I'm also saying no more to spending time with the wrong people, and putting in place some healthy boundaries. I'm still here for anyone though. I did go on that date and it was nice to get out and get dressed up for a few drinks. He was a gentleman and we had a lovely night.

How have you been?? 🙂

[Guest_0087]

Hi Determined

No need to apologise, i've been a little MIA myself. Have just quit my job (don't have anything lined up which is a little scary) but the job was just too much stress and it was affecting my life and my wellbeing. Have decided to do my Masters and hopefully I can use that to get a job as a teacher. That's really awesome you have joined up with Zumba. I had to cancel my gym membership as I need to tighten the purse strings without work. Have been trying to work out at home but struggling a bit. Am thinking to just get through the end of this month when I leave my job and hopefully this will free up my mind and I can focus on things a little more clearly.

I really need to say no to spending time with the wrong people. My ex and I have been messaging a bit lately and it's not doing any good for me, but I keep making excuses for why we message when I really should just be cutting off the ties. I get nothing out of it.

Damn, I feel like a need a lesson from you in how to do things. Everything is going really well for you and I am so glad to see that. You are doing wonderful. Glad that the date went off well too and hopefully he continues to be the gentleman you deserve.

[Determined1]

Good on you for quitting something that didn’t make you happy! What that shows is that you value yourself and you are looking to alternatives that create less stress. Yes it will be scary not having another job lined up (been there before), but I guess it will also give you that extra push to pursue something quicker. If you’re struggling to get some work, maybe even try for part time in the meantime working at a local cafe or cinema. A busy mind means you’ll have less time to think about wanting to text your ex. Personally for me cutting off all ties has been the best thing for us both. We’re ex’s for a reason and now we can both concentrate on ourselves. I’m not saying this is what you should do, it’s just a suggestion so that you continue to better yourself without any influences.

I know how uninspiring it can feel to workout from home, but maybe you can shake things up with a workout dvd or your very own Zumba at home. I bought myself a couple of dumbbells, yoga mat, skipping rope and use a kitchen chair as a step-up for working on the glutes. Jogging and walking are free and excellent to clear the mind. Without exercise I wouldn’t be who I am today, it literally saved my mind.

Saying no to the wrong people is definitely hard to do, but even if you spend less time with them you’ll start to feel better. You’ll also start to feel more empowered about owning your life.

The reason I’m doing well today started when I first left my ex. I wasn’t happy and me leaving him meant I was putting myself first for once. Be a little selfish and put yourself on top of your list! I pursued new hobbies and activities, spent less time with negative people and more with the good, cleaned up my diet by introducing real foods, increased my physical activity and always made sure my mind isn’t too idle. It’s a recipe for a better mind and body. The most important thing for me was not dwelling on a bad day and telling myself “this will pass”. I allow my emotions to run through me (good or bad) knowing that I’m only human and each day is going to be different. My mindset has completely changed and I take each day as it comes. Also, being true to who you are and never apologizing for it (whether you’re quiet, shy whatever) the right people will love you for exactly who you are. Never change.

Is there anything specific you’d like some help with? 🙂

[Guest_0087]

I'm really looking forward to leaving. It will be nice to finally break away as I feel like I have been shackled a bit in this job. I am looking for any sort of work really, part time or casual would be good even, so hopefully something comes up, but I thought that maybe I don't have to panic too much about it because I could use the break for a bit. Just something to get some good sleep, and refresh the brain a bit.

I do need to invest in some kettleballs or dumbbells. It would really help with my working out at home. I've kind of left it as next month will be the start for me. A chance to start fresh and hopefully build from there. I need to do that too I think, put myself first. I need to cut away from my ex too. I keep drawing myself in and hurting myself by allowing her to have this sort of control over me, and it is not really helping me at all. Surrounding myself with the right people is important and I hope that I will be able to do that going forward.

I'm just one of those people who wants to have, even if it is just one, good person/friend who I can relate to and talk to and just get along with. Not really having that is a tough thing for me, and that's why I can easily get lulled back in to that feeling of comfort with my ex.

You could tell me your secret to being so motivated and determined? How do you not give in to your weak side? How do you control your emotions? I get so many dark emotions, it makes sleeping at night almost impossible. Ok, that is probably too many questions for now, so maybe just pick you favourite. haha

[Determined1]

That’s a great idea then use the time off as a re-fueling period. How can we give to others or our job if our tank is empty? I should probably take my own advice on this one, but as you’ve got the opportunity for more time for yourself really appreciate it and take advantage of it. You will definitely feel a sense of refresh and maybe even feel invigorated enough to take your life in a whole new direction, whether that be new career or cutting all ties with your ex. I know how comfortable it feels to go back to that one person who knows everything about us, but in time when you do cut contact you will realize how capable you are on your own. Trust me I went through the pain of letting go of him, but damn I wouldn’t change a thing! I am stronger and a lot more resilient now. This will help you grow so much.. there will be some sunshine after the rain. Love yourself and you will be your best company.

This is a great time for you to reconsider who is worthy of continuing to be a apart of your life. I am slowly leaving behind toxic friendships and honestly I am happy to have one amazing friend in my life instead of ten fake ones. I guess I’m so determined because I have a strong Mum who raised four children all by herself, and she has taught me many lessons along the way. She showed me that I don’t need to be afraid to walk alone if I have to, and if I get knocked down by life I get right back up and fight for it. Life has taught me many things and for one I know it’s not worth giving up on. Remember how nice it was to be in love? I live for that moment again, and so on I continue with my challenges but I do so now with more courage. What motivates me first thing in the morning is the thought of how lucky I am to be given a chance at making the life I want, and then I go and enjoy a hot coffee. I really do appreciate the small things. Don’t get me wrong, there will be times when I completely crumble but luckily I have a very close family for support and good friends which does help. I also say to myself that I’ve come this far I must keep going, but if I want to cry or get mad I don’t hold it back. Exercise is my savior too! Hard running makes you feel alive, the sweatier the better. Sleep is harder for me when I bottle up feelings about something that bothers me. the only cure is to release it and talk about it (therapy), and meditation has been helpful too. If you ever feel like texting your ex why don’t you come here instead, we’re always happy to help 🙂

[Flicoftheblack]

Reading this thread has been so helpful to me - watching your journey Determined1 has given me hope.

My ex broke up with me 2 months ago and I am struggling so much. I think about him all the time, I feel so down and unable to move my life forward.

Your posts have reminded me that i HAVE to find things to occupy my time, i HAVE to do exercise, and I HAVE to be kind to myself.

And, that it's ok to have bad days!

I hope you're having a good day today. Thank you for posting your on-going story, you are helping others!

x

[Guest_0087]

Hi Determined

That is exactly how I feel. I need some time to re-fuel and find myself again. It just so happened that I finished my job and I got sick, so I'm just going to rest up and hopefully get better soon.

That is great advice about figuring out who is toxic and who is worth my time and hopefully I can figure that out soon. I feel like my mind has never been clear for a long time and hopefully now I can start putting myself in a clearer mind-space and figuring things out. I read a good quote the other day which I think I need to focus on more often. It says "Whenever you think about quitting, remember why you held on". I agree with you about being love though. I think that's one of the things that has knocked me the most. I know what that feeling is like and it's one of those things I have always wanted, so losing it definitely knocked me a lot harder than I could have imagined.

What meditation do you do? Have you found a good app or programme to follow? My biggest problem is clearing my mind and allowing it to be free. How do you manage to keep your mind clear and stay focussed so that you don't give in to the dark side of your emotions or feelings?

[Determined1]

Hi Flicoftheblack,

”you are helping others” literally gave me goosebumps. I’m thrilled knowing my story will give others some inspiration/motivation. Two months is still very fresh and yes it hurts and yes you’ll think about him every thirty seconds but believe me it will get better. I didn’t believe anyone when they told me that but now only 8 months later I am 100% over him. I think about him maybe every few days very briefly and I know we are separated for good reason. Exercise and hobbies are fantastic right now, enrol in a course and get working on yourself! In time you will love this time to yourself. Bad days are A-Ok 👌 there will be some lovely days to look forward to in between. So glad you get something out of the posts x

Hey Seuss, definitely rest up and focus on good food, quality sleep, vitamin D and some socialising in between. You’ve got this! I love that quote and I’m so glad you’re here responding to messages and actively engaging.. this is another big step for you in the right direction. Yes love hurts, it’s amazing when you have it and a disaster when you lose it but don’t let it discourage you from finding an even better love. I know for all of us we will have our walls up and some trust issues, but talking about it and letting go of that fear is important. In the meantime we love our friends and family and focus on that. I just pick a random YouTube meditation or download ‘headspace’ from the App Store. We will never fully clear our mind. I was taught that meditation isn’t about having no thoughts, it’s about training your mind to return to your breathing when you find yourself drifting away. It’s about being in the present. Maybe it’ll help to sit quietly and let your thoughts run through your mind as freely as they like, all the while doing some deep belly breathing. Grab a journal and write a page every day. For me this helps to manage my emotions both good and bad. You’ll notice all the ups and downs but getting it out onto paper will help declutter your mind so you can focus on other tasks. It’s ok to allow yourself to be consumed by negativity, don’t fight it just put it on paper or release it with some high intensity exercise