living alone

[Guest_1584]

Wondering do you live alone if you don't mind me asking , and how long for , how do you find it ?

No need for any details if your not comfortable or anything like that, not prying just wondering about it all.

l've been living alone on off mostly 5yrs now since splitting with ex w. My daughter use to stay a lot but not much these days, 16, bf and friends over in her town, 20mins away . Also had a friend staying over a lot for awhile or me her place, separate rooms just friends. Then met my gf, together nearly two but 70% long distance,talking 24 7 non the mess but still mostly living alone. That ahsn't worked out and, still living alone.

It's the first time really since late teens and what a time of life for it to come along. l'm just wondering? l'm afraid l just can't get use to it or like it . Although times it's good also , like coming home tired, kick back for the night do your thing, watch what you want or sleep all day or listen to whatever you please as loud as you want day or night, no one else to worry about or please. It can be nice when the wk end rolls round too in ways , same reasons.

But , l still have a lot of trouble with it , don't think l'll ever get use to it. Even though there were plenty of times married would've given anything for this kinda freedom sometimes.

This house is pretty big , to me too big for one, one and a bit if my d stays. Not really into friends hangin round too often , assuming l had a few anyways, new town. But l think a smaller house would help , dunno how some people especially rich people live in monster mansions alone. l've even thought of sharing , got a spare room, it'd help the finances too. But tbh , getting a bit past that with a stranger and it'd cramp my style a bit and spoil the things l do like about this new life alone right now and having all this space to myself.

But over all , l'm really feeling the loneliness. Just don't know what to do about it though, how to deal with it . l feel like l'll get sorta lost in my own non existent world if l'm not careful. l do get out and about quite a bit actually but it's usually alone too. l've always enjoyed alone time even as a kid but l seem to have lost that these days and l find it's really taking it's toll on spirits and like life is passing by.

[Guest_1584]

Hey cm , yeah l know how crazy all that sounds.

Ex , no we haven't spoken 12mths and she hasn't turned up on whatsapp. Tbh though , l had a thread here few yrs back about her and to this day , l'm 99% sure , without a diagnoses that is , as l can be that she's BPD or Narc , so maybe it's just as well.

PS , and l feel bloody terrible saying that too btw bc she had so much apart from that , so many goods. But something came up just a few days ago actually, that brought all that side of things flashing back , and l really don't think l'd wanna go back to it.

[Guest_1584]

Well , tonight takes the cake.

We've basically been having a break but still a few little chit chats along the way.

Thing is , a wk ago gf said she loves me as much as her own son and l'm the only person ever she's ever loved like that . You could imagine how much that would mean , except and l know how this will sound , but it was hard to take seriously with the on off sometimes just seemingly not even caring anymore way she's been.Others it's how much she misses me and she just wants to come home and start our life, and run away.

Well tonight you know what she said , and this is why l said that earlier there- she said l should start going out with this friend l know , said we might be a pretty good pair. This is a few days after telling me she loves me that much and only last night that she just wants to come home. Day before that she couldn;t have a relationship anymore she's too stressed and sick.

lt's been like this nearly 2mths, on off up down and all around , hence the break we're suppose to be having but God almighty , l just don't know wth to do with it or think.l won't hear from her a few days now , after saying that to me , but she call up planning our future or talking about the house , or something, as if it was never said.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Lots of thought on the situation today . l can't though put her situation or frame all into words or even talk about it too deeply here anyway butttt , l do have to allow with all these silly mix of things she's coming out with though. With the emotional roller coaster she's on even she';s worried about her sanity .

Anyway , apart from a bit too much thinking , not a bad day . Worked a bit and later on went on with some landscaping l'm doing around the yards. Gorgeous sunny warm day.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Well , on the gf front , at least l have some understanding now of where she was at in saying stuff she's said.

There was a volunteer counselor l know of that helped me a lot back after divorce , haven't spoken to her in yrs but she's also had some time in psychiatry and she was very very good. l phoned this place on the hope that she might still be there , to talk about everything going on with gf and low and behold she was and was happy to give me some time.

She said my gf's love is very much real and so she's trying to protect me from being hurt and maybe losing her if her case is denied, and she's also scared she's dragging me down withe her emotionally. So with no time frame or any guarantees with anything for her or us and everything she's going through she's trying to let me go on for now and live life and be happy.

l've suspected it might be something like this and so l talked to gf and asked , and she said yeah , she's just so scared of me being hurt and ruining my life. There was lots more but you get the gist.

Anyway , so at least l know now. The counselor suggested having this break would be a good for us both bc gf is just going through too much right now. And that the best thing l could probably do right now is just nothing. Just try not to worry about it let her find her way and just go on with life,try to just let things ride and see what happens , for my gf and for me personally.

Soooo, it's not great but at least l have better understanding of things she's been coming out with and of how to handle things from here. So , we see.

rx

[Guest_1643]

hi rx

i know it's sad news and frustrating. glad u got some clarity and hope you continue to understand each other and make sense of what's happening

nice that the woman had time to speak and help

she sounds good

sounds like gf is just so swamped with her life circumstances, which can make everything so stressful in a relationship.

[Guest_1584]

Thanks for that sleepy.

And yeah , l'm afraid so. l did try to talk to someone else about it but he just couldn't grasp anything , you know what it's like. l've always remembered this lady though she was one of the best l've ever used, couldn't believe l managed to talk to her. She nailed it straight off.

Thanks for the thoughts and reply anyway sleepy , really nice of you to take the time with your own situation and all. l hope your ok and getting through.

Take care eh. rx.

[Guest_1584]

Gf and the whole situation is feeling very distant, the poor thing is just so lost.

We haven't talked but we do check each other on whatsapp , l's always been our little way of watching out for each other.

My daughters been over on the wkend, we are just soooo proud of her. She's been so much better , touch wood , a lot. l really don't like saying that l don't wanna jinx anything tbh but anyway , so it's been beautiful her around a few days again.

rx

[Guest_1584]

When l say we haven't talked well not very much anyway , couple of quick little convos the last few wks is about it really. Whis l suppose is the break we had to have and continuing.

She's feeling very strange though , and so so lost. Despite anything she says , it's getting weirder and weirder . No she hasn't met someone else , she couldn't cope with that right now anymore than she can us. But she's very distant and kinda numb'ish sounding , hardly recognize her tbh. All this stuff she has going on is just breaking her down it'd be so damn nice if she could just get a damn break but the kicks keep coming. l really can't believe it think she must be the unluckiest person l've met in a long time , such a shame.

lt makes me wonder if it's something she's doing or some sort of attitude she's putting across with people that are supposedly helping her, She can come across weird and even ungrateful sometimes it's just the translation with her English and she can also sound pretty fiery sort of argumentative sometimes but it's just a sort of way . lt means nothing she's as gentle as a lamb but she will speak up and frustration in this crap has her at the absolute end of her tether . l often have to tell her no no baby you can't say this or put that like that and things , they'll think you mean such and such.

But anyway . Not much l can do with anything really , she keeps thanking me for my help but l keep thinking ha, l wish l actually could help.

rx

[Guest_1584]

Still can't see what/who the damn cards are talking about then though they're making no sense now. Yet they're picking on on new work things l have going this yr and everything's been spot on so l know they're running true atm. Sometimes they just talk crap you see and don't pick anything up but if my works stuff is coming through then they're running true. Could go back to my just burning the new deck idea haha.

Anyway , there might be some rants around here for awhile. Many thoughts and emotions running wild atm. l feel angry at gf tbh too , pushing us all this time to live together, marriage, commit , start life, when all l needed was some time to adjust and for things to happen in their natural way, but now this . Things going on for her though l suppose l have to allow , it's very very big stuff, she couldn't know it was gonna end up like this. l fore saw it though and it's a very big part of what's been holding me back right through though. Maybe l should've just gone for it earlier though , at least we'd be together and she could've just transferred her legals down to Vic at that stage , it's past that window now though , damn it.

She;s feeling like she's resigned to the idea we're pretty well done just lately. Although she's feeling like her life is done just lately too so it might be part and parcel. l know what l have to do , try to go on with life and try not to worry about it, let things fall where they will from here. Must admit though l'm having a bit of trouble with that concept in practice atm.

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

rant all you need. I'm sorry to hear how it's panning out.you know they say only worry about what's in your control so you're right to let go and let things fall where they may. I know she has a lot going on but do you feel you're seeing a different side to her? You mentioned she was pushing for marriage etc beforehand and she could have stayed here. Too early for you at the time but do you think it may have been to avoid this?

Hope you're feeling a Bit better.

Cmf x