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Life changing decisions

Community Member
Well here goes- never sought help before and trying to be brave - long story but I’ll shorten it!! Met an Aussie in England came to oz married him had two sons 28 years ago - he became a heavy drinker and very verbally abusive - got the courage to divorce- boys stayed with him - he seemed to have s mental hold on them - he is a narcissist! Went through a very messy divorce but he finally got help and completely stopped drinking and became the man I fell in love with - we became and still are good friends- 8 months ago he was diagnosed with throat cancer so I decided to support him through he’s treatment - it’s been a long hard journey and he is still sick - my sons have been great and very supportive of him and have a much better relationship with him now - after my divorce I traveled and once our finances were settled I purchased my own house - I’ve struggled to get a full time job so financially it’s very hard - this week my sister in London has been diagnosed with what they think is terminal cancer - just when you think things can’t get any worse!! Next week we will get her prognosis - I think I need to go to London to support her but financially I can’t afford it - all my money is tied up in my house and as I only work part time I’m unable to remortgage to get cash - cards are maxed out too - I get I’m trying to decide whether to sell up and go home - all my family are in London - or keep my house and just try to borrow some money - my ex had offered- but that makes me feel that yet again I am allowing him to have control over my life - I want to support my sister but feel so torn - I feel so alone- I’m losing friends as I really can’t be bothered to listen and put up with their insecurities when I have much bigger problems to deal with - my closest friends are all in London - I can’t imagine not seeing my boys everyday - 22 and 27 - life’s hard!!
8 Replies 8

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi London,welcome

Sorry to hear this news

I wouldnt borrow off your ex.

Have you got equity in your home? Some financial institutions will lend in that and you repay on when you pass away.

Can one of your sons become a half owner of your home and he gets a loan?

The decision is yours but for me I'd sell, go to the UK, support your sister and rent upon your return.

Your home is near your sons..

Tony WK

Thank you - yes my sons live very close - I have 50% equity in my home - it a really tough decision- part of me is still very angry to my ex for making me leave all my Family and friends in the uk and then treating me like shit when I get here - and part of me thanks him for making me a stronger person by making me make the decision to leave him - I fe that I have up so much but I love my boys with all my heart and just can’t imagine not seeing them every day - I’m really torn - This decision consumes my life!

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hello London, after what your husband has put you through it's lovely of you to be helping him through his throat cancer.
I understand where your standing and yes it is a difficult choice to make, however you've bought a house which will leave to your sons when the time comes, so no I wouldn't be selling it, but you need to work on getting your card debts done, and if need be go to one of these places that advertise on telly about reducing your debt, you need to be on a plan.
If you went back to London and as much as you want to you won't be able to help your sister, only the doctors can do this.
I would hook up to skype where you and your sister can talk, it's going to be very sad if she doesn't improve and for that, I'm really sorry, but there's not much you can do, and I say that with my kindness of hearts towards you.
You would miss your 2 sons dearly and if this happens then you are most likely to become depressed, stay home, pay off some debt and plan for your sons future. Geoff.

Community Member
Thank you - very practical advice!! I guess im not feeling very practical- there is more to the story in that my sister and I have spent most of our life arguing and not speaking - we have a very controlling father - another narc!! Last year after not speaking for over 5 years my uncle died and she called to inform me - I went to the uk and stayed with her for three weeks - we had an amazing time no parental interference and we felt that for the first time in our life’s we connected- we have missed out on so much that the thought of losing her so soon is just about tearing me apart - I guess that’s part of my problem!

Hi London

This is the beauty of having many champions here for a variety if opinions.

Geoff wisely had great ideas. Now that you've ecposed you have 50% equity the sky is the limit. Seek a financial adviser for some refinancing ideas. Interest rates might be different than whst you currently have.

Skype as Geoff said is a top idea.

If you werent close to her emotionally dont expect too much of yourself i.e visiting for long periods.

Tony WK

Thank you - we FaceTime almost every day - we are closer now than we have ever been - it’s so hard - I feel like I am in total limbo until we get the prognosis on the 7th - trying to stay positive!

Community Member

Hi London1,

I'm so sorry to hear of your sister's illness.

Are you able to rent your place short term to take some time to go to London?

Community Member
Thank you - probably not worth it at this stage - I would have to put everything in storage - I’ll hang out to the 7th and make my decision based on her prognosis!! I’m in limbo and feel so out of control- I’m not used to feeling so lost!