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Close to divorce

T3
Community Member

My wife and i have been married for over 2 years.

she had no idea how bad my anxiety was before we got married and to be honest., neither did i.

I was from an unplanned pregnancy and parents divorced 2 years after my birth.

My father was always telling me what i had done wrong and never what i had done well.

I have brought this into mymarriage. The communication between my wifeand I is 80% negative. It is either me depressed and sad or her feeling helpless

We see a counsellor but nothing has improved after a few weeks.

I feel the best thingto do is leave and even move interstate and start again. I don't want to run but far too tiredto fight

4 Replies 4

BballJ
Community Member

Hi T3,

I am sorry to read that and more sorry that the counsellor doesn't seem to be working. Have you found this since day one with the counsellor that maybe you both just haven't connected with the counsellor in a way where they understand both of you and vice versa?

I am not advocating for divorce at all and I really do hope you both can work it out but at the same time, deciding these things should be thought about fully and not rushed.

My best for you and your wife,

Jay

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi t3, welcome

Planning interstate can be an over reaction while, if you haf to make a fresh start a town/city 200 km away would have the same result and keep you near old friends and family, familiar state etc.

your self esteem is low. You have insight to your issues from a suppressed childhood. This is important. You might not realise you have a head start.

The good news is that although a real challenge negative thinking can be overcome turning yourself into a half full thinker.

You can offer to your wife for you both to embark on attending motivation lectures, positive meetings and things that can not only be positive but inject energy in your relationship like fitness activities.

Essentially if your negative thought pattern remains then you are doomed to a sad life indeed and likely a lonely one.

The first thread below is what happened to me 35 years ago that changed me overnight. From that day forward plus ongoing self motivation I became a positive thinker. I see positive in nearly every situation. And yes, I had a negative family atmosphere

Use google

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

Topic: the balance of your life- beyondblue

Topic: happy marriage, hobbies- beyondblue

Topic: what life's like at the end of the tunnel- beyondblue

Topic: how I eliminated anxiety- beyondblue

Tony WK

Mathy
Community Member

Hi T3 and a very warm welcome to you 🙂

Well, that’s a heavy burden placed on your shoulders by your father. After a childhood of that, how could you have a good sense of self?

It’s great that you both recognise what’s happening. If both yourself and your wife are committed to working it out, I would find a different counsellor. Because, when we have messages delivered to us as children, which are full of negatives, we don’t realise that we are actually a worthwhile person, and find it hard to accept that as a truth. Your wife see’s something in you, you got married, she’s prepared to go to counselling - maybe she loves you?

Find a counsellor that’s going to help you challenge those negative self beliefs, and who will support your wife, whilst you are making that change. Or perhaps you need seperate counselling?

I’m sure you recognise that running away isn’t going to solve the problem, just put it off until the next time.

Get in there and fight for how you want your life to be. Talk to us, we can listen and be supportive. My best wishes for both of you, cheers M 🙂

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
hi T3, all the replies above me have been very good.
Negativity causes depression, and with 80% it would seem to be impossible for any decent conversation between you and your wife, in other words the two of you have closed the door on each other and automatically refuse to accept what one of you says.
Maybe you could try seeing the same counsellor but by yourself, this will give them an idea of what's been happening and hopefully solve any problems.
It seems as though the two of you are struggling with your own issues, which the other one doesn't know about, so why don't you both write down what is concerning you and start off by giving this list to the counsellor to sort through.
Marriage always has it's up's and downs, and there were many times when my wife (ex) didn't agree with me and certainly vice-versa, sure we did argue but eventually one of us had to give in.
All r/ships are the same, but do you have to keep running away, you can't do this forever. Geoff.