Life after abortion

[Guest_67869874]

Hi, I had an abortion 6 months ago. I found out I was pregnant late one night and was quite happy. I told my partner but he wasn’t as keen and said he wasn’t ready. We discussed our options but ultimately settled for an abortion (I suffer from anxiety and have c/hood trauma). The next two weeks were the worst of my life. I agreed to an abortion but I didn’t want it. I spent days crying and throwing up until I ended up in hospital from dehydration (3 times) I felt so helpless in the hospital. Due to my anxiety I couldn’t stop vomiting after the abortion either. I ended up back at the hospital after the abortion and felt so ashamed and embarrassed, like the whole world was looking down on me. I tried to go back to work but I couldn’t keep it together, every pregnant woman every child, I cry. I lost my job. Tried to exercise exclusively to distract myself and wore myself out. I stopped exercising about two months ago and now I feel lost, I’ve gained weight which only makes me feel worse. I last about a week between hysterical breakdowns about the abortion (I didn’t want to have an abortion, it’s destroyed me emotionally) I don’t have any friends so all I do is think about it. I want to be able to get past this but I feel like I’m frozen in time. The worlds so fast paced I feel like I’m drowning. 

[ABC01]

Hello,

 I felt compelled to answer your post. I haven’t been in your current situation,however I do suffer from high anxiety and experienced my own periods of overwhelming times.

First of all, thank you for posting. You are asking for help and that is such a positive step. You have suffered a loss and trauma. Your anxiety is having a strong response and impacting your everyday life. If you haven’t already connected with your GP or current services,you should definitely reconnect with them. If you don’t have anyone,start with your GP.

Secondly, you need to find some kind of self love. You are being incredibly hard on yourself. There is guilt there. Anxiety grabs onto that and we self-punish ourselves for every little thing. You are coping day by day. You are doing the best you can. Try to be kinder to yourself. Do you like face masks or shower steamers? Do you like a specific TV show? Is there a place/park you like to walk? Does the beach soothe you? Or a favourite fountain in a park? A place to look at art or fashion? Or a view that allows a moment of reflection?Doing something kind for yourself everyday could be a goal. You deserve care and compassion.

I don’t know your values, beliefs and boundaries. If they have been crossed in anyway and you aren’t comfortable, please call the hotline. There are other hotlines for other services that can help to eg. Griefline. They are trained to listen to you and can connect you to services you may not know are available for you.

Please be kind to yourself. Please look after yourself. You are important.

ABC01

[sparrowhawk]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing your story here. That takes courage.

From what you have said, I hear that your anxiety and trauma motivated you to make the decision you did. You were quite happy to find yourself pregnant, but your partner wasn’t. Perhaps deep down, you worried you would lose him if you decided not to have an abortion. That led to you going along with what he wanted, despite you wanting something else. Is that how it was for you?

To have to endure something so significant as an abortion when you don’t want to is incredibly painful, and I am so sorry to hear you went through such an ordeal. Not just physically, but also psychologically, as you have grappled with guilt afterwards. 

Looking at your story, you’ve actually gone through a lot of losses in a short space of time. Not just the loss of your baby, but also your job, your income, your way in life, your health. This is so much to bear. I wonder how you might feel about talking to someone about your experience? You might be able to find a good counsellor or psychologist, perhaps one who does specialise in trauma or even grief. I think this would be the best place to start. What you are feeling is incredibly painful, and it’s very important that you support yourself with someone who will listen without judgement. 

I hope this helps. 

sparrowhawk