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Lack of respect now feeling resentful

Community Member
My partner of just over a year has 2 female friends, I have been cheated on in the past and have trusting issues but working through them..I believe my partner is my soul mate and we do love each other BUT few examples, we went away the other weekend, laying in bed, his female friends decide to constantly message him, they were drunk, but my partner didn't stop the conversations even though I was laying right next to him! Our one year anniversary..we had a fight 3 days before...he asked one of his female friends out for lunch. We go out for dinner..his phone is constantly dinging...group message with the 2 females. He tells them he's not home, they "assume" he's with me and next message he gets from them is "pussy whipped" he laughs it off. My partner is very open and honest. Yhese 2 girls are his best mates exs..hes known them for many years and used to hang out alot when he was married and when they were married. Right now we aren't speaking, its only been 24 hours since the last incident happened. I just need some help or someone to talk to please
2 Replies 2

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Ok, this post is open to interpretation, interpretation of what should be allowed and not allowed in a relationship.

Inmy view, it wouldnt bother me if my wife had male friends that messaged her all the time. In fact, my wife's ex and my ex were brother and sister. During our marriages were were best friends. It was only after we both divorced we thought of each other as possible partners. And we married.

My wife knows I have closer friendships with women. Emotionally I make friends with females easier.

Your husbands friends arent to know if he is in bed with you or not, there is no fault here on his friends. However, he could turn off his phone during times agreed by both of you. Then ther eis the possibility of jealousy/possessiveness on your part. That is for you to consider. I dont know you well enough to conclude and we arent here to point the finger only to help.

Years ago I wrote the following post. It deals with conflict in a marriage and how to resolve it because 24 hours is far too long to not be talking. If you both agree to abide by the rules of that post you will resolve things quicker. I've used this technique for many years and it works.



Community Champion
Community Champion

hi and welcome to beyond blue.

given what you have said about your history o being cheated on, I can imagine the behaviours of your partner would be worrying and might be the beginning of the end. Given what you said of their friendships they might think nothing of their actions, except that for you it would be quite upsetting.

On the other hand you have also said you both love each other, which also means he loves you. You also mentioned he is open and honest - and I assume that is with you. Does it seem too good? Were the people you were with in your prev. relationships open and honest with you?

I wonder if there are ways you might be able to modify your thoughts about some of his actions. Of course these are only possibilities ... the lunch with his friend could have been talking about the fight you both had and wanting a female perspective? I think these days it is also easy to think of 2 people having lunch might be seen as a date.

If I were allowed to make a suggestion ... how much of your history does your partner know? I am not asking you to go into detail except to let him know of how it might effect how you view the current situation and to speak in terms of "I". I might go something like

"I have had issues in past relationships so when I see you with your friends it ...."

if you talk in terms of "you" it can put the other person on the defensive - This is something I have learnt by experience and in chatting with my psychologist. When I speak with my wife, I feel I have to put a disclaimer at the front of these conversations and for 2 reasons - (i) tell her it is about my thoughts and (ii) helps to prevent arguments. Of course you can add in things like ...

"I know it is important for you to be able to talk to remain friends and go out ..."

These conversations while difficult can help a relationship to deepen and if your partner is open and honest he will listen to you

Hope some of this helps.