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Lack of intimacy in my relationship.

Community Member

Hi all,

Im new to this forum, first time poster.

This topic has probably been done to death but here goes.

I've been married for over 30 years and after the birth of our first child intimacy has been an issues as well as mis-matched libidos.

I feel my wife doesn't find me attractive on any level. It's convenient to have me around. I work away a bit and feel lonelier when I'm at home than when I'm away. She says she loves me and misses me a lot when I'm away but when I get back she manages to find fault with most things I say and do which makes intimacy difficult. She is a master at making up excuses to avoid any attempts by me to initiate things. I've heard most over the past 3 decades

She won't acknowledge there's a problem or go to counselling.

She doesnt have a paid job and there's no financial stress. I pull my weight around the house when I'm not working.

Anyway it bothers me less now than it used to but I would still like to keep trying.

22 Replies 22

Hi Brownshorts.

Sounds like you are in a spot of bother buddy.

Your situation is very common and it's heard all the time so I read our message in a real simple way: "What can I do to spark up our relationship with the end goal being intimate and passionate with my Wife?"

Your situation is a case where you need to re-build your relationship or learn new things and find out what really turns her on i.e. does she like starting off with soft touches around the neck or a maybe you could give her a back massage and then let it naturally lead onto more.

Some men find it difficult to engage in a deep and meaningful bond/connection - Sex isn't just about intercourse, it's the whole kit and caboodle, the passion, the spice, the bond/ connection. Woman need emotional connection and intimacy.

If you struggle doing this, maybe speak to a sex/relationship therapist on what you can do to be connect (not on a sex level) but on an emotional bonding level.

Sorry for the slow reply. I regularly massage my wifes back.shoulders legs feet etc. It rarely leads to any return favours as generally it puts her to sleep. I've tried many techniques/strategies over the last 3 decades. When she did work many years ago I supported her in reducing her hours and eventually leaving the workforce as that was impacting her energy levels and stress levels. I've encouraged her to get fit and find things to do which make her happy. She now has a diverse range of hobbies and interests and she is very happy with her lot and has been for many years. She regularly comments how lucky she is. Her theory is the universe will provide if you ask it to. She is in to all things spiritual.

Ive supported all of her pursuits although just recently been told that I could be more supportive at times when it comes to outlaying larger sums of cash. I just think some of the self improvement courses are a bit expensive and there are some scammers in that space so I do scrutinise the expensive ones.

It was dissapointing be be told Im not supportive enough. Anyway its just what she does sometimes. She will look for fault to create a minor conflict which is the mood killer.

It is what it is Im beginning to realise. Might be time for me to invest in a new toy (motorbike) and plan some time for myself.

Thanks for being there. Its good to know people are there and listening.

Hello Brownshorts,

Your post has been very helpful and enlightening to me as I share the vast majority of touchpoints you raise. Only difference is I'm a little older and have been enduring this situation a lot longer.

Initially, I remained for our children, who have since grown up and moved out. But now, I am increasingly in need of that closeness and affection I expect to have in a loving relationship, especially as I grow older.

My relationship has turned into a sister/brother or flatmate/flatmate one. The feeling of loneliness while still being with my wife is such an empty, dominating feeling.

My question to you is, have you ever thought of separating and moving on in search of a partner who feels like you? I know I have, constantly.

Once again, thank you for thread. While there are plenty of great responses, and we both have tried the majority of suggestions, sometimes you need to find happiness where you can. For you it's motorbikes (although I love to ride, too), for me it is surfing (a lifestyle I love).

Best of luck mate!