Kids and Alcoholic Husbdand

[KTOWN]

I have been with my husband for 22 years.  

We now have a 7 year old boy and an 8 year old girl.

4 months ago I asked my husband to move to the spare bedroom.  He has however continually tries to get back to the main bedroom which I have said no to until he is sober.

Everyday is different.  One day he promises to get sober after a certain date (normally after say an event is on, friends leaving town, birthday etc).  Never happens.  

I recently told the kids that their Dad is an alcoholic and a sick man and I don't love him anymore.  I told them that as long as he stays in the spare bedroom we will stay a family unit.  My son doesn't understand why I don't love his Dad and is worried his Dad will leave us because he knows I don't like him and my husband has been verbal about his requirements in the house.

He still holds down a VERY good job however I am fearful he will lose it.  He will get caught drink driving a company car or something will happen.

He is verbally abusive when confronted.  Purchased a vibrator for me and when I refused to use it or have sex with him (been months) he told me he was going to use it on another woman who will like it, threatened to cut me off from the bank account, told me he has "needs", among an array of other things.

Passed out in the bathtub a few weeks ago and flooded the house.  I had to wake him and make him clean up all the water.  It was down the hallway and into the dining room.

The list is extensive and I hide as much as I can from the kids.

All my husbands friends think I am too hard on him.  Half of them are alcoholics as well.

The situation is intense.  I have been in hospital twice with anxiety.

My husband now tells my I am telling the kids he is a 'bad person".  He is in complete denial.

Any tips especially regards the kids?

[therising]

Hi KTOWN

I feel for you so much and for your kids. I don't think alcoholics feel the gravity of the impact their drinking has on family members. While we can be feeling how extreme intolerance, incredible resentment, overwhelming frustration and more feels, they can be feeling a sense of peace, relaxation, the carefree feeling that can come with thoughtlessness (thinking/problem solving can be stressful at times) etc.

While my husband's not a major drinker, he is a daily drinker. After work he'll have about 7 cans of beer and on the weekend drinking starts around midday, so more cans. He's currently on holidays and it's definitely challenging at times. As a 53yo gal who's an ex drinker, I can relate to why he drinks and why a majority of people drink to large degrees (besides the addictive nature being a factor). It tends to be about emotional regulation, drinking to feel how you want to feel, as opposed to developing feelings naturally through emotional skill development, management and growing consciousness. For example, a non drinker who experiences stress may have to become conscious of new ways of breathing to calm their nervous system. A drinker simply drinks to calm their nervous system. Easy, but not for the people around them who are left to manage the stress alone. Life with a drinker can be a lonely one.

As you know, so many challenges. Some include having to manage important discussions before they start drinking (so they can remember them), managing being the only driver in the family after a certain time, knowing how to calm or shut down conversations when alcohol leads them to get out of control, having to parent the kids alone when the other parent is mentally and emotionally absent, developing self discipline in leaving them alone (so as not to trigger them) when you really need them to help you through a challenge and the list goes on. 

While my kids are now 21 (girl) and 18 (boy), they're old enough and articulate enough to be able to verbalise the impact of mine and their father's relationship. It's been stressful in a number of ways for them over the years, something I've sincerely apologised to them for in a number of different ways. They've led be to become a highly conscious person. Not only have they felt their father's lack of input in their lives and his frustrating nature while he's been drinking but they've also felt my intolerance and anger towards him at times. I grew up in a house where emotional distance was normal between my parents and therefor never saw things as stressful for my kids. I imagine your kids will be feeling the stress of the relationship between you and your husband and maybe just not speaking about what they feel. Consider inviting them to speak about their feelings. Kids are major feelers, so it's important to help them manage their feelings while giving them the freedom to express themself in constructive ways. 

My kids and I are far more focused on our tight knit highly functional little team these days, as opposed to the side effects of my husband's drinking. When this kind of thing happens, the odd person out (the alcoholic) will start to feel it. I can't help but wonder whether you've heard from your husband something along the lines of 'You're all against me! I really am a good guy and you all hate me'. The truth is it's not hate, it's intolerance (which can feel hateful at times when you've been trying to tolerate so much). Some form of relief tends to come from the distance we put between our self and the person who's nature we've been trying to manage and the independence we come to develop over time, through no choice of our own.

[white knight]

Hi therising

Wow, I wouldnt expect anything less than that post, to paint the picture so well of your dealings with alcoholism and how you tolerated it. 

This opens up an alternative approach that Ktown might be able to implement. There is a foundation, a raft of positivity there eg his kids love him heaps, he occasionally tries so he can fill the void of missing sex and so forth.

Perhaps Ktown can tempt a comeback- make a deal with hubby that she'll return to the same bedroom in exchange for no alcohol on weekends- zero- zip? Then his reward is not only back to normal but when sober she is more approachable in that area?

What do you think Ktown?

TonyWK

[KTOWN]

Morning

I wish that would work, not drinking on weekends.  I have tried those type of compromises.  To which I do my part and he goes and drinks within hours.  It is like he gets his dopamine hit from sex and then is happy for a bit and then tops that up with drinking.

He has currently stopped drinking for 3 days because he his words "he knows he needs to cut back" "he is not an alcoholic but knows he is not doing the right thing" "he is going to stop for 3 months but then start drinking again because alcoholics couldn't just stop for three months".

Some days I just wake up at a loss but then other days I feel like I am handling the situation well.

[KTOWN]

Thank you for this response.  

Yes - I have heard all those comments from my husband before.  Plus "no one respects me in this house!".

He thinks because he is the main bread winner and the man of the house he should be heard, and we must do what he says.  Problem is he works massive days, drinks when he is home, recovering from a hangover or is away fishing.  He is irritable when he is around, and the kids just think he is a drag.

My daughter has pulled away from him although my son adores him.  And I have told me kids "he is your Dad and your only Dad and you should love him."  

I live in a dysfunctional house where my husband tries to show affection, but I don't want him to touch me at all because of how he makes me feel.  I feel used for sex, second best to his alcohol and tired from running the house alone and then fighting to keep this on par when he does want to help at home.

We essentially live two different lives under the one roof.  It's a constant struggle and I just want my kids to know that this is not how life with a married person should be.  I tell them the truth about my feelings, and we always talk about theirs, hence the questions from my son.  My daughter is starting to turn off her feelings towards his Dad because she is embarrassed at school and with her friends.

My husband tells me that's my fault for "filling her head with rubbish".  

At the moment even though I am continually in a hard situation, feeling let down and not being able to share my life with my husband my main guilt is I have not been able to provide my children with a sound and moral life.  

I pray that one day they will grow to understand the situation, take the matter to God and have fruitful relationships.

[therising]

Hi KTOWN

Yes, that's a familiar one, 'No one respects me in this house'. While my daughter has learned to give herself the freedom to express how she feels toward her father at times, her response in the past has been 'Respect is not a given, it is earned'. What my kids say about their father is true, 'He's not a bad man, he's simply his own worst enemy'. While they love their father, they refuse to tolerate his nature at times, something they've come to manage with confidence as they've grown older.

If it helps to know, my daughter can fully relate to what a deeply loving, caring and highly conscious relationship looks like, sounds like and feels like. She and her partner celebrated 2 years together just last week. I have to say this young man who's come into our lives is one of the most incredible guys I've ever come to know. He's been raised by his father to be an amazing, conscious, deeply feeling, emotionally mature, thoughtful and driven person. He raises my daughter in incredible ways when it comes to her finding the best in herself. With her partner, she experiences a very healthy and happy relationship. In her wisdom, she advises me of what I should not be tolerating in my own relationship. Her words to me, and maybe you can relate in some ways, are 'While Dad is a reliable financial provider and he's someone who is loyal and does not inflict any physical harm on his family, you accept a low bar for yourself'. I think spending years not wanting to rock the boat, for fear of struggling financially to raise the kids on my own, I dis-appointed my husband from all the appointments or roles I'd wished he'd accepted. One after the other, until there were just a few basic ones left. Only in hindsight, at times, can we see how the depressing dis-appointment process plays out. At the same time, you get to see all the ways you've risen to meet the appointed roles you gave yourself, in order to make up for certain things. 

Alcohol's a terrible thing, the way it robs a person of various forms of consciousness, the ability to develop skills and the chance to love deeply in many ways (especially amongst challenges). When I look back on the days of being somewhat of a drinker, it robbed me of the times I could have met with the sage in me for good advice or some form of soulful divine guidance. It took away my ability to feel full responsibility, my ability to naturally master emotional regulation, my ability to develop the best in myself and so much more. It can be a horrible mind altering thing that's accepted and normalised in our society. As it lines the bottle shop shelves in many forms, with many different tastes and colours, the old saying 'Pick your poison' can sum up just how toxic it can be for a family.