Keep on getting into bad relationships

w1nn1e · ‎12-12-2018

Unfortunately, through all my serious relationships I've been through a lot of mental stress being emotionally abused/manipulated. I seem to always attract a person that is deeply broken or suffering from severe depression because of my kind and accepting nature. But I can't do it anymore, I am trying my best to put my own happiness first instead of someone else's all the time.

I'm not saying I am perfect either, I'm just sharing my experiences of always being with someone that has anger issues and doesn't take responsibility for their actions and how it has affected my self esteem.

Thinking about what I've let myself go through causes me a lot of shame as financially I've always had to take care of everything too. So I get really sad when I see normal couples going on dates and doing nice things together as I've never really had that before.

Has anyone been through something similar where every partner you've have, has mistreated you and how do you not make the same mistake over and over again? I am trying to work on my self esteem through seeing a wonderful psychologist. Just wanted to see if anyone else has been through this too. Or any tips on building self worth would be much appreciated.

Sophie_M · ‎13-12-2018

Hi Knicky,

We are so sorry to hear about all that you’ve been through in the last couple hours, it must be a very overwhelming time for you. Please know we take reports of abuse seriously and that we are concerned about you. We are here to support you as much as you need and we’d urge you to reach out for help.

If you are in immediate danger, please call 000.

If you are not in immediate danger, we'd suggest reaching out to 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732/ https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ) who offer counselling and support services for people experiencing family violence and abuse.

Keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it.

Woody0 · ‎13-12-2018

Hi W1nn1e,

is there drugs or alcohol involved? This normally is no solution to making good choices??

w1nn1e · ‎18-12-2018

Hi Woody0,

Yes you are correct. Even though I myself am not an addict, I always seem to go for someone that is in some type of form! Because usually I find it easier to romantically connect with someone that is a marijuana user since I feel like they are less intimidating and easier to get along with and better sense of humour/more fun. However, I am going to try and stay clear of dating someone who is a daily drug user from now on and try to get along with clean and sober people.

w1nn1e · ‎18-12-2018

Hi therising,

Thank you so much for your detailed response. That's exactly right I keep on going for bad boys that may seem fun at the start but then they take out all the reasons why they are "bad" out on me. I will start to focus on my own needs instead of lowering myself just to have some good/fun times. I may read that book about self esteem and make a mental formula list. Appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

I realise that no one/no relationship is perfect but we all deserve to be loved and respected in our relationships.

Dotajoli · ‎19-12-2018

Hi I am going through similar and hope I can be of some assistance with what I have learnt...

Chances are one of our parents are a narcissist therefore it appears normal at 1st to accept this type of behavior. This is our normal and all we know.. Someone genuinely treating us nice feels "wrong".

In our quest to have honest relationships we disclose too much about our past relationships and our vulnerable spots leaving ourselves exposed to narcissist using our weak points to bring our self esteem further down. These narcissists are drawn to us because we are easy to control we will do anything to please them and be a great partner.

We are addicted to "fixing" these poor souls we believe this is showing love. We feel sorry for them because they had a "Hard life or bad marriage"

Narcissists are experts and mirroring what you are looking for in a partner why? Because in the beginning we tell them what we want and need so they sucker us in claiming you are everything their previous partner was not and you are all they have ever searched for their soul mate. Once they have you suckered in the mask comes off as they cannot keep up the facade forever and the cracks appear. We then overcompensate by trying "harder" and proving more love to them.

Truth be told these narcissists are in capable of love and therefore we feel no love in return and continue trying to prove our worthiness.They live to be adored and chased... this feeds their ego and the cycle continues. Whilst you feed their ego you are in their life once you stop feeding their ego they disguard you like trash.

Before moving on and being adored by another broken soul who treats us like royalty in the beginning and toilet paper at the end we MUST correct poor habits or behaviors we have learnt from childhood or our parents. We must unlearn those behaviors and learn and set new boundaries.

I also believe we lack self care and self esteem and therefore we seek acceptance in those around us instead of from ourselves.. We fear being alone and jump into a relationship way to quick.

If we dont value ourselves and set boundaries on what is acceptable and what is unacceptable treatment there is not another soul in the universe that will either.

I really hope I have helped and it all makes sense..

w1nn1e · ‎19-12-2018

Hi Dotajoli,

Your response hit the nail right on the head! I have been fortunate enough to have two loving parents so it hasn't stemmed from that. I think it is because my very first relationship was when I was only a young teen/still a child really, was abusive and a bad situation so that is just what I have been accustomed to growing up. So that's why now as an adult I am trying to break my cycle.

That's right, if I am interested in someone I will go above and beyond for them only to get nothing in return or treated very poorly. And I stay instead of leaving because I feel "sorry" for them.

I will try my best to stay away from the narcissists as it doesn't help that I am an impressionable individual who can be swayed/manipulated easily. Which is why I am going to counselling to help me build my self esteem and self worth so that it doesn't happen again in the future.

Even the absolute basic things people look for in a partner, I've never had, such as an education or job/car/license. So I guess I've always been the "mature" one while the other lives off the dole sitting at home either being lazy or high doing nothing while I work.

But that will change now, I need someone who is an active member of society and that has emotional intelligence. I don't care if someone has had a hard life but it becomes a problem when they haven't dealt with it and take it out on me. I know I will find someone one day.

Thank you so much for your insightful response, it sounds like we have been through pretty similar situations.

Dotajoli · ‎20-12-2018

Hi I am so pleased i was able to hit the nail on the head for you and assist you..The more aware we are the more reading and learning we do the easier it becomes to identify those major red flags within the first minutes hours or weeks of seeing someone from there all you need is the confidence to say "Goodbye" you are not the person for me!! With self esteem ,self care and confidence in your own decision making you shall set those boundaries as everyday habit just as simply as eating and sleeping.......You sound like you are well and truly on the path to the loving respectful relationship your kind heart deserves..You got this xx

geoff · ‎20-12-2018

Hello Knicky, my thoughts are with you and I only wish that your ex hadn't been able to do any of this on you, it always worries me when I hear of any physical or emotional abuse because at that point you have no one to defend you.

I'm so sorry I'm a bit late in replying back to you.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Celery · ‎20-12-2018

Hi Winnie, I want to first give you a virtual hug for being courageous in bringing your relationship problems out into the open. The behaviour you are describing is what is known as codependency. It's roots lie in the way you may have been raised. It's a pattern that you can break that takes time. Your partner is manipulative and a abuser and has worn down your confidence and self esteem. There is a book written by Melody Beattie and can be purchased online and is the most accurate account of why women choose partners who they think they can fix by enabling them . This is not your fault . I did it with three long term relationships and I ended up emotionally and financially bankrupt. I dont know how old you are but dont leave it to long to start your recovery. Please keep talking on this forum as there help here. Hugs

geoff · ‎20-12-2018

Hi W1nn1e, it's awful you have had to experience all of this pain and suffering because sometimes you might meet up with someone who appears to be charming and dedicated, but once you start to live together that's when the truth comes out.

I wish you the very best.

Geoff.