Jealous of everything
I lost my dad very suddenly last year when I was six weeks pregnant. I had to fly overseas for his funeral and I handled the situation really well and was extremely strong throughout the whole thing supporting my sister and mother. It was one hard year and I came out well out of it and had my baby boy early this year. I experienced the normal post natal emotions but was fine.
Recently though my grief has just erupted and I can't bear looking at my fathers photo without crying and I have so much self pity. I hate existing and I'm very jealous of people who resented me but have good lives. Particularly my brother in law with whom we do not have speaking terms. I'm incredibly jealous of his wife who is also expecting, has both her parents and how they are coming to visit her for a year.
I constantly check their FB profiles to look for updates and I even have panic attacks when they change their photo which makes me think how happy they are. They do not talk to us due.to some.family issues. I compare the hell out of every detail on their lives to mine, I wish bad thoughts for them, I curse my dad for leaving is early.
I cannot confide to my husband because I sound so stupid and our.life is perfect except.that my son does not have any grandfathers. Why am I obsessed? I just want to get out of it but I feel like I'm in a trap.
Good Morning yellowpostit
I am so very sorry that you are feeling so much grief and sadness but I a glad you are here and that you have reached out for some support and comfort and you will get that here.
I feel like at the time of your father's passing you did not actually grieve as you were taking care of your family as well as growing a new human, that your grief is actually happening now for you. I hear that you are feeling so jealous of other peoples lives and that you even having bad thoughts about people. I am wondering how you would feel about a visit to your doctor to have a chat and to get some solid advice from a professional? Panic attacks are frightening too and this is alot on your plate when you are trying to take care of your family and also manage your own health.
I am so happy you have come here to chat as you feel like you can't confide in your husband, in saying that though I am sure that he would want to support his wife in her time of grief and need. You are not stupid and grief has many different forms, it effects everyone very differently.
It is "normal" that when you are missing something in your life that you look around and compare yourself to others and obsess over what they have and feel angry and sad that you do not. I hear you when you so that you curse him for leaving you this early, I know exactly what you mean as I have just lost my brother 11 weeks ago and have too been through the anger phase of "why did he leave us". I also see why you are jealous of your brother in laws wife as they are going to be having the very experience that is causing you so much pain, the grandparents to visit for a year. This is so very hard for you as you don't have that and so very desperately want to.
I am not sure if I have been helpful to you yellowpostit but hugs to you and I really am so very sorry you are feeling such grief and missing your father so very much.
Here to chat
Thank you for taking the time to share with us what has been going on for you. I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling so much lately, and that these feelings of grief have just sprung up on you, out of what seems like nowhere. Grief is such a funny thing, and can manifest in different ways for different people. Aaronsis made such a great point, it sounds like you were so busy holding everything together and growing a new life, that you never had the chance to grieve the loss of your father. Our minds are amazing and have such great defensive mechanisms, such as pushing away the grief until we are able to deal with it. Now that time has passed, and life has started to move on, it has suddenly hit you with full force. This unexpected wave of emotions can feel overwhelming and rightfully so.
It is really important to spend more time engaging in self-care at the moment. Be kind to yourself as you are grieving and let it take its course. You have suffered such a great loss, and you have the right to feel sad and overwhelmed. Take some time for yourself and do things that you enjoy, such as taking a long bath or going for a walk. It sounds like you a have a beautiful family who love you, so maybe they are able to provide more support for you than you realise? I know it can feel embarrassing to share these feelings you are having, but you may be surprised by how your husband responds to you confiding in him. Perhaps think about if you were in his position, would you want know what was going on? Another option for self-care may be avoiding social media for awhile. I know this sounds like an extreme option, but these feelings of jealousy you are having are normal for everyone when we start to compare our lives to what we see online. However, these feelings are heightened for you because of the grief you are experiencing. Its good to remind ourselves that social media is a highlight reel, with people only posting the good things in their life. This doesn’t mean that everything is going perfectly for them.
I have been trying the social media block by installing apps that kick me out of FB etc. I've only just started so I'm still finding secret ways to stalk but definitely better than before.
Always just feels like life is so much unfair to me but I read stories of so many other people who have gone through the same..
I'm seeing a counselor through works EAP , I'm really hoping I can get over this ugly feeling of being jealous.
Great to hear that you are seeing a consellor and that you have some professional advice to guide you.
Grief is so difficult and there is no rule book to how you should or shouldn't do it, please be kind to yourself and take the time you need to process your father's passing and also grieve the loss of your daughters grandfather too, as I am hearing you are feeling so bad about her not having her grandfather around.
The social media app that kicks you out sounds like a great idea, and I would also like to echo what Wazowski said and that is these social media posts are really just a projection of what people want you to see and perhaps what they hope that their life is truely like, as we know, so many people suffer from mental health issues so I am so very sure it is all peachy as FB would have us think.
Great to chat to you and hope you can enjoy some sunshine today
Grief is indeed very hard. I just sometimes wish I was there where my dad is.
It's hard to remember social media is only a projection of people's lives when we actually scroll through- mind just wants to believe what they've pictured is reality and that's how it is at home too.
I'm sorry for your brother's loss, it's incredible how you can be kind inspite of having tough days yourself. Thanks
Thank you for your message about my brother and yes, it is very hard, but what gets me through is talking and knowing that when I am here spending time chatting to people that I am giving him his voice, to end the stigma around mental health and especially around suicide. I hear what you are saying when you want to be where your dad is, I am not going to say "time heals" as it may not, but in time, things will be different, since your father's passing you have a new way of life now and that is what I too try to remember. We miss them so very dearly everyday but also take joy in the memories and the good times too, and that we have beautiful children that love and need us very much here on this earth.
I am not sure if you have any hobbies or things that you like to do but you could somehow perhaps make a tribute to your father, like a nice part of the garden or something like that, and when you feel you want to be trapped in social media you can have a place to go to do something that honors your father instead.
Here to chat with you yellowpostit