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Ive been wearing a mask all my life!!

Nansee
Community Member

I really dont know how to reach out and ask for help so ive taking this up to hopefully find answers.

i think i have known iv got both anxiety and depression for a long time dating back to my childhood. but being polynesian "theres no such thing" or was told "im just overly sensitive"

So all my life its felt like everyday i wake up shower and put on a Mask to show "happy....joyful....strong....driven person.. when deep down i hate myself.... i feel lonely... empty....worthless and so much more i have absolutely no energy and no motivation to do anything!

i have 2 beautiful girls and most times they cheer me up, sometimes it takes me just to stare at them for 1 minute for me to snap out of being blue... but then there are times when they cuddle me or give me kisses because they see im"sad" even that doesnt work... and i try to stay away from them because i dont want them to see me like this... does this make me a bad mum??

Its 4am right now and i cant sleep... this is EVERY NIGHT! i still get up and do my duties as a mother and wife but i do it with me wearing a mask.... there are times i just stay in bed or decide not to clean up... or make dinner.... but i guess im thankful my husband picks up where i slack off.

i want to talk to people, and not have to put that mask on.... i want them to see the REAL me!! and most of all i want to speak to someone that will understand me and what im going through.

I have decided to go and speak to my GP about this (never have before) im getting anxious already.... please if you have any tips...

#MaskedGirl

13 Replies 13

Dearest Croix;

I want to say, your words above are the most simple and pure thoughts of wisdom and care I've ever read. Hope is eternal...

Forever a fan...Sara xoxo

Nansee
Community Member

Thank you so much for the beautiful replies. it brings me comfort knowing someone understands. i would like to point out, the care and support i have received from you all has been what i have hungered for all my life.

I will cherish these kind words.

I dont hold any grudges towards anyone. i still see/speak to everyone of them (except my mother). my husband read all my posts today and he broke down and cried, he never really knew what happened in my childhood, but now he understands and although its still early days but hes being very supportive and is there to listen through it all.

Letting it all out has brought some kind of peace within me and a burden lifted off, i really needed to let it out finally after all these years.

Thank you so much to you all..!! i can only hope to find friends to do life with that understands the REAL me just like you all.

Im only 26 years old and i have a long life ahead of me, my dream is, not for all the riches in the world but... to live the rest of my days "happy" "loved".... "wanted"

I am so glad i came across BeyondBlue... i look forward to reading and sharing a lot more.

Good evening Nansee;

How incredibly beautiful to read the above post of yours. I'm so relieved and happy for you and the progress you made in such a short time. Your husband sounds like a sensitive soul, you so deserve him.

I know that feeling of having a weight lifted off your shoulders. It's a physical thing; very pleasant indeed causing a deep long sigh...

I must admit, I sighed and smiled from the inside out reading your words. Your feedback is generous and absolutely appreciated too. Hearing successful stories fill our world of lost souls to the brim...thankyou

We're going to be around if you return to chat and catch-up. Your hubby's welcome to join as well. I'll be here with bells on hun!

Warm squeezing Nanna hugs...

Sara xo

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Nansee. I'm so pleased we were able to support you through your darkness. My suggestion of the 'boxes' was through my method of healing. I followed the method and found it amazingly helpful. It's wonderful knowing your husband is so understanding and supportive of you. My ex was told of my tribulations, abusive childhood, sexual abuse etc, he couldn't understand how angry and betrayed I felt and simply ignored me. I would say your desire for love, being wanted and finding happiness will give you riches beyond your dreams. Riches come in many forms, you have your riches in peace and family. I actually have a bf who is able to supply me with the same riches you have.

Lynda