Is this abuse

[Tata.M]

Hi all,

I thought I should ask as am not so sure what to call what am going through.

Is there something like invasion of privacy in a marriage? The reason am asking is because my husband has a habit of snatching my phone and leaving the house or locking himself in a room so that he can go through it. I never care to run after him because I know I have nothing to hide and an a loyal person.

I found out that he goes through my search history. I never delete anything because there is nothing to hide but it bothers me and when I tell him he says it's transparency however everything about him is private.

Once I pick up a call he wants to listen in. I was on the phone with my mum only to find out he was listening. I felt so violated because I was going through some challenges and thought I would have a private conversation with my mum as she is level headed and very compassionate. The next day he called my mum to tell her that my challenges had no basis and that she should not tell me I called. This was shocking to my family as we are tight and always talk about everything.

I was hoping I could get some clarity. I feel violated though.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome again 

Are you being abused? If you feel abused then you are experiencing abuse imo, no one else's views matter. Are you being treated inappropriately- yes. Is his behaviour risking your marriage? Potentionally yes. Is his acts disrespectful? - yes.

I applaud you for asking because often people behave in a manner that they themselves justify that leaves their partner questioning if their own logic is wrong.

At the very least marriage counselling is needed. Bad behaviour can however be ingrown in one's persona and hard to shift, not only is the "getting him to counselling" hard to do, will he eliminate the habits? Will he one day respect you?

Here is a thread on a similar topic either my answer to it on the 2nd post.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/do-i-have-an-emotionally-abusive-parter-

Repost anytime

TonyWK

[Juliet_84]

Hi Tata,

Firstly, a warm welcome to the forum. Yes, you definitely have a right to feel the way you are feeling. Your husband is violating your privacy by going through your phone, and has ignored your objections that you don’t like this. He is essentially spying on you and showing that he doesn’t trust you without a reason to feel that way. It is textbook controlling behaviour. He will likely also try and isolate you from your family and friends, as hard as it is don’t let this happen. May I ask how long you have been married for? And how long he has been behaving this way?

[geoff]

Hello Tata, if someone is as controlling as he has been, then it is a type of abuse, a mum and daughter should be allowed to talk as they wish, without anyone eavesdropping.

If you did this with him it would be another story, so he has no right to intrude because there isn't any trust, girls should be able to discuss in their own way, as do men do, in a harmless but caring and if need be, a supportive way.

If you are talking with your mum because you aren't feeling well, in any respect, it may be because of your husband, then he should not be allowed to listen as you may talk about what's happening and this can worsen any problem with him.

He may also misinterpret some messages and take it the wrong way, simply because he doesn't know the whole truth, so this is a type of abuse, especially as you have nothing to hide.

I'm sorry.

Geoff.

[Busymum]

I'm not sure how long you have been with your husband for but this is a sign of future control and possible Domestic Violence. It starts out with small things and can end up bigger. I had a relationship with an abuser which started out much the same way, it then spread to jealousy of all relationships in my life then choosing "him" over others in my life, eventually it ended with physical abuse until I got out. This is a trait which begins in most DV scenarios. Not saying that this WILL happen, but just something to be aware of.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Tata.M,
 
We can hear from your post that your husband is putting a lot of stress and anxiety on you and want to praise your handling of the situation so far. From what has been stated you have handled your husbands very intrusive and disrespectful behavior amazingly and we hope that you give yourself credit for that. Feeling as though we are constantly being monitored and checked up on can be very overwhelming and we are so pleased that you have reached out and engaged with the community.
 
We hope that you know, no one deserves to feel abused, and you should prioritize your own safety and mental wellbeing in this regard. We would encourage you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors offer advice and support to anyone who has been through experiences like this and may be able to provide specific recommendations, or resources for your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ .
 
As stated by fellow forum users, this is a partnership, and you should not be treated any different to how your husband expects to be treated. Being able to discuss these issues with him would be helpful, but we understand that these subjects can be difficult to talk about. If you would like to discuss possible ways to approach this conversation, we would again recommend 1800Respect. Alternatively, you can contact our Beyond Blue support service either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support .
 
We hope that you find the support, experiences and suggestions of peers within the community to be helpful and we encourage you to continue engaging on the forums.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M