Is it just in my head?

[RXBlue]

I have been in a relationship for over 25 year with my partner and we have 3 amazing kids. However over the last 4 years I have been struggling with one of husbands at female work relationships. They both work in different states but meet once every few months as they are on the same board together. It started when I noticed a secret messaging app on my husbands phone which he stated he needed as part of security for his work. Then my husband entered into an Ironman which is amazing, However when i suggested that I come he told me it was somthing he was doing for himself and it would cost to much for me to travel. The only problem was that the female work colleague just happend to be in the same state and was then there to cheer him on at the finish. Last year My husband went on to a conference in Spain the topic looked intersting so I looked it up on twitter and there was my husband with the same female. I was so so sad and when I questioned my husband he told me nothing is happening its all in my head they are just work colleagues and he didnt tell me because it would just upset me. Which brings me to this week once again another conference with the same female - work related of course but on their day off they are hiring a car together to explore some of the beautiful scenery together. He keeps telling me its just work and I am the only one but I just keep thing the oppisite to the point I can't think, sleep, breath it's been four years and my thoughts are consuming everything I do I feel so overwelhmed. Is it just in my head?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry this has drveloped.

As a past private investigator of 18 years plus prison serbice and security, I vamt help but be very suspicious.

However facts are needed and as these coincidences dont really add up (to me) if you can afford to engage a PI firm they can provide you with enough added coincidences like activities, pics etc. Enough to confirm one way or the other.

Some firms use females "baits" to establish if he would be tempted. They also have agents interstate to pick up on his arrival.

Dont feel guilty about such an action. He hasnt provided enough evidence or reassurance to satisfy you imo.

TonyWK

[paddyanne]

Hi RXBlue. My first thought was why is hubby being so secretive if everything is 'kosher' as he claims. Do you know anything about this female colleague, is there some way of finding out more without hubby's knowledge. If you could somehow engage her in conversation, one on one, would this help ease your fears. Has he ever caused you to feel insecure? Tony's suggestion re: engaging a P.I is one way of solving, but it's expensive and if there's nothing to report, it's also a waste of finances which hubby may question. Could you phone his work and arrange to meet this colleague and go from there. You don't have to explain to the firm why you're phoning, just say you're interested in meeting his colleagues. It could be quite innocent and rather than facing him and getting into an unnecessary disagreement, if you could arrange to meet this woman, you could also make a friend.

[RXBlue]

My husband is the Chair of the board and she leads a company which he oversees. So they do end up together alot and I guess that as a result you are going to become friends. He keeps sending messages that he loves me and its all just buisness and friendship and that nothing would ever happen but I still cant stop overthinking things and I am becoming more and more confused and upset when I talk with him which is probably pushing him away further. This hurts so much and even if it is not real it feals real. please help

[Happilyneverafter]

Hi there, you have every right to be upset and to be suspicious. My ex boasted about a woman from school he’d ‘bumped’ into, was very reassuring she was 100% gay, I had a gut instinct, thy are together now. I believe she pursued him for around 3 years. We are still married and have been separated for only 9 months. Don’t ignore those gut instincts. You also have a right to be told the truth from your husband, mine will never admit he did anything wrong, yet his actions spoke louder than any words ever could. Would you consider counselling? Would he go? It could be a safe place to address your feelings, which deserve to be validated.

[paddyanne]

Hi again RXBlue. The situation sounds as though it's causing you a lot of anxiety, understandable. How about arranging a dinner party or a casual get together with everyone who is employed in the company. Discuss it with hubby first, explain you feel a bit isolated and left out. My ex was a prison officer, many of his female colleagues were LGBT, but till I met them, I did feel uneasy. I actually became friendly with most of them and to this day still maintain a close friendship with one couple. This woman you feel so agitated about, it could well be they are just business partners but unless you meet her and get to know her, you're not going to relax. Accusing him and her without concrete proof will drive a further wedge between you. I'm not playing down your feelings, but before you can accuse anyone of anything, proof positive is necessary.

[RXBlue]

Sounds like a good idea but she lives in another state. Thats what makes it so hard. The closest person my husband has other than me is someone I have never meet and my biggest fear is that he feels more alive around her and is expeirincing greater joy when he is with her. Still a few days before he comes home and I am struggling so much.

[paddyanne]

RXBlue. You may have no alternative but to take the bull by the horns. See if it's possible to talk directly to her and, woman to woman explain your insecurities and how you feel left out of this whatever it's called. If she's genuine and not trying to come between you, she will understand and maybe that will help alleviate your anxieties. Explain how your hubby is trying to play down your fears and appears to be almost ignoring you. I don't think he's deliberately baiting you, but because he knows her and you don't, this is not helping. You need reassuring and your hubby isn't listening. It doesn't matter where she lives, where there's a will. See about getting her email address or phone number. The longer you leave it, the more it builds.