Is it abuse?

Rjbarka75 · ‎14-07-2023

Hi

I'm married and have been for nearly 25 years. We have 3 adult kids 2 of which are still at home. Just recently I had a discussion with my partner about the ATO contacting me regarding my tax bill and waiting to know when my tax return would be lodged. I asked my husband about this as his business has a tax accountant who does returns.

The claim has been lodged and I have quite a big bill to pay off as I have a large HECS debt. Hubby said to me that he could pay it off

but in saying that he was hinting I could repay him with certain services if you get my drift. This isn't the first time this has occurred and it makes me wonder if it is a form of abuse. There is definitely no physical abuse and we have a relatively happy marriage although it does sometimes feel like we co exist. Any thoughts would be appreciated

Croix · ‎14-07-2023

Dear Rjbarka75~

I'd like to welcome you here to the forum, a place you may gain some perspective about matters you may be too close to in order to see clearly.

I guess after 25 years and three kids you will know your partner pretty well, which works both ways, he should know you pretty well too. As a result I'd expect you would both know the types of intimacy you are both comfortable with and those you are not.

No part of marriage and love has room for financial transactions and to make such a suggestion devalues you and makes your wishes of no importance. It is being selfish and not looking after you.

By contrast in the normal course of events, when there is no pressure, for either partner to say to the other what they might like is another matter. Then one can decide what one wants to do based upon one's own feelings and care for the other.

So even though it was a hint and not a demand I would think it was a form of abuse. May I suggest you have a discussion with your husband and say he is devaluing you and see where you go from there? I would think you might want to consider if a marriage councilor should be present -that's a judgment you'd have to make.

It is a pretty hard time for you, is there anyone in your life to give you support. Someone you can discuss things with? They do not have to 'fix' anything, just listen and care.

We would be pleased if you felt like coming back and talking some more

Croix

tranzcrybe · ‎14-07-2023

It sounds a little odd, but in theory your incurred debts are your own to offset against your income in the same way that your husband would be unlikely to ask you to pay for debts of the business.
If you engaged an accountant, you might find some strategies to minimise the burden (and there could be other pros and cons in not combining income for tax purposes).
After 25 years, it appears to be working quite well but that doesn't mean you have to cop it on the chin as I think hubby is just messing with you, enjoying his moment of sharden freuder.

Perhaps you could put him back in his box with "You seem to overestimate your exchange rate" or whatever restores the status quo; but if you feel this demeans you, then it might be best to express the inappropriateness of his inference and ask for it to stop.

Earth Girl · ‎16-07-2023

It sounds a bit abusive to me. Since he is your husband, I feel like he should be happy to do these types of things for you without getting that sort of thing in return and if he sees something like that as you paying him back, what if one day you get into a huge fight and he starts saying things like "I payed for all these things for you and all you had to do in return was ...." and act like he owes you more than that otherwise you're just not enough?

You shouldn't have to do these sort of things to "pay him back" - this sort of thing should only happen when you are BOTH in the mood and it feels right (it's called making love). It doesn't matter if you are okay with him doing this to you, I still think what he's doing is not right.

I would probably have a talk to him about this and explain to him that you still love him, but you are no longer interested in "paying him back" in this type of way anymore. I'm not sure what will happen after you have this conversation, but I have a strong feeling that this is going to end badly even if you don't have this discussion with him.