Inlaw struggle

[Mlasho]

How do people deal with inlaw? I love my husband dearly and i want to be able to handle his family but i really struggle. They left me in tears for several of the last few times we have had family things. They have now got me to a point where its bordering onto hate. I dont want to make life difficult for my husband who tells me to not worry about it as their opinion doesnt mean squat. Its really not that easy for me. I dont know how to even try with them anymore. I just avoid them as much as possible. My husband is well aware why and i know he feels torn as he feels he owes his father for raising him when his mother left. How do people deal with their own mentality, mine can be a total mess, while trying to make life less difficult on their partners.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mlasho,

Welcome to the forum and to the community here. For some people this can be a reality with their own family.

It can be very hard when you are in such a situation and it doesn't feel like anything is going to change.

A friend told me of a strategy she used, she was very nice to her in laws. She smiled at them and asked them questions about themselves even when they were nasty to her. In the end they gave up being nasty as they could see they had no effect on her.

If she stayed away then it was like they had won.

You may need to keep reminding yourself that you are a worthwhile person, they are the ones with a problem.

If they are nasty, can you just walk away from them? Find a quiet place to gather your thoughts. Maybe picture them all with carrots up their noses, that was another idea I heard recently.

It is difficult to change a person's views and behaviours. When I am in a situation like that I leave or try to make the most of it in some way.

Wishing you all the best, cheers from Dools

[Mlasho]

Yeah i just try toavoid them ever since the father inlaws partners kids got pregnant they wont stop making comments to us to give them grandchildren my husband tells them no and to drop it. I currently am on long term birth control it is the only thing ive found that prevents the debilitating pain which causes me to black out at times and has put me in hospital crying in pain even after all the meds they gave me it still hurt was just bearable. They told me that it didnt matter and just get stronger pain meds... i want kids myself which makes it worse because noone can work out whats causing it and i cant go back to the fear of when or if its going to strike i go from normal to crying in pain in 20 mins and cant go having so many days off work for it. I have enough issues with getting to work with my anxiety problems.

Now its the whole christmas time and sadly we cant afford to go away again this year fof it so no excuse not to go there. Not looking forward to that.

[geoff]

Hello Mlasho, your in-laws are only thinking of themselves but tell them straight out as soon as you arrive that you don't plan to have kids this year, it doesn't fit into your schedule.

Be open and tell them you will have children when you and your husband decide and not sooner.

Your doctor can help you by prescribing some medication this should help you with the build up to Xmas.

I am very sorry for what you have to go through and if your in laws know, then that's an excuse for you not to go, so as time approaches your anxiety will be lower.

Take care.

Geoff.

You may love them but persistent questioning about your life is a bit too much.

[Mlasho]

Yeah my dr has recently prescibed meds to help with the anxiety amd have an appointment to see a psychiatrist this week forst time seeing them so of course its giving me anxiety lol it is online this one through video call so all very different ive only seen a local psychologist who i stopped seeing because he would just tell me to google things and how it works i couldnt see why i was paying to get told to google it.

Im hopefull that i will find a good match in this one will see

[Wizard1]

Hi Mlasho,

I am sorry for what you have to go through. My sister had a very similar problem with her in-laws. She was quite often called "White gutter trash", were always picking fault with her and saying to her partner "you can do better". Their christmas together always caused her great anxiety.

I always believe that adults are no different to children. Your in-laws are like children and are chucking a tanty because you and your husband don't fill the ideal imagine they have in their heads. So the next time they start being nasty see for what it is, they are being a child and chucking another tanty. You can response in two ways, leave them to chuck their tanty or use it as an opportunity to get to know them better. The latter is important but should only be done when you feel ready for it. The more you understand them and show you understand them the less they will raise it again and will be more be to you. This of course is something you'll need to work on over time as it will not happen over night but if you always approach them with love, respect and understanding you'll give yourself the best chance of developing a fruitful relationship with your tanty in-laws.

It is a difficult path you take so best of luck and if you need to talk more you'll always have this forum.

Cheers, Wizard

[Wizard1]

Hi Mlasho,

How did things go with the in laws? I hope you had easier time than previously. No pressure to respond btw, checking in just in case you want to talk about it.

Cheers, Wizard.