I would like to meet my biological daughter

[yowiie]

Hi Guys

I am pretty new to this forum, with this being my first post

my reason for being here is for advice on the best way to handle a situation 

back in 1979 I had a couple of passionate nights with a young lady, who consequently got pregnant.

I was working away after the 2 night stand and was notified some months later by a couple of mates who resided in the same town as the girl, that she was pregnant with my child.

being 19 myself I wasn’t sure what to do, but did how ever try and make contact with her through her parents, but they wouldn’t allow me to talk to her

so I figured maybe it’s not my baby and tried to forget about it, but it was always on my mind

20 years later I was visiting my grandmother in the hospital and the young lady was a nurse there

i was polite to her, I never asked about the baby as it wasn’t my concern. She basically called me everything and know one wanted to see me, she asked who do you think your going to see why your in town.

It got me thinking maybe the child was mine

I asked my mother if the young lady’s offspring resemble me in anyway, so being a mother she was only more than helpful in her offer to help solve the mystery

The young lady is now 42 and lives in the same town as my mother. Mum ran into her in the street a month ago and chatted

My mother rang and was in disbelief,  the young lady is the spitting image of my oldest daughter, skin colouring , facial features, build, etc

I asked my sister who still lives in to find some pics of the lady,!she managed to find several on Facebook and sent them to me

I was speechless, there is so much resemblance to my daughter it’s uncanny

I am quite certain now that the lady is my daughter, my question is how do I approach her mother to see if I can get contact

after her outburst at the hospital I can’t imagine she would be to happy to hear from me

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

So, if you are the father to this now adult child, you dont need permission from her mother to see your daughter. Your daughter is an adult now, she can make the decisions for herself, even if that means a slammed door in your face.

If you can find out your daughters surname, do a search at any Electoral Office then find out her address and knock on the door! Exclamation mark for one reason, as a former PI I had people ask me to carry out investigations to find someone then get cold feet, then they are afraid of the mother, or they dont want rejection. It was an ordeal for me. So I say- pursue this matter. You daughter (if she is?) might just welcome you into her life with open arms. I'm retired so if you have trouble finding your daughter do some discreet enquiries in town or your mum might know friends that know where she lives, if not employ a PI to find her. 

It sounds like you ex lover has wanted to have the child without you as the father for whatever reason but its all irrelevant  now.

Good luck.

TonyWK

[yowiie]

I understand that I don’t need ask the mother’s permission, my concern is , I don’t know what she has told our daughter.

I don’t want to cause conflict with my daughter and mother

my daughter does live in the same town as my mother so it’s no problem locating her

[white knight]

I understand better now, sorry. This is tricky. I suppose I'd write her a letter and ask her what she has told her daughter and that you wish to proceed with contacting your daughter. I wouldnt say too much just ask the key questions.

Assuming she has not told her much about you etc you have rights.

TonyWK

[yowiie]

Was contemplating writing to my presumed daughter, stating who I am and that there is a high probability of me being her biological father.

I just don’t know how to go about it, getting a letter from a stranger who states that they may be your bio father would certainly approach the sibling

I need some advice on how I would do this,

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Yowiie,

Your quest is a very delicate one, as well could be a very emotional one..

For reasons I won’t go into here, I unfortunately had to put one of my sons up for adoption…I thought about him everyday, wondering how he was getting on, was he healthy, did he have a good family…anyway after 38 years my son found me on Facebook and wanted to meet me and his other siblings….we met up with each other…He came to visit me, with his 3 beautiful children and wife….they stayed a few days, I was happy that eventually we could meet and I could become a part of his beautiful family…..I felt complete for the first time in many years….and I was looking forward to connecting with him and his beautiful family..we stayed in contact for around another 2 months…then he totally broke my heart by saying that he felt no connection with me or his other siblings and then walked out of my life, I think forever….I was heartbroken again and can’t get over loosing him again…

I’m sharing part of my story because even if you do eventually meet your daughter things might go good at the start but then can come tumbling down to heartbreak..I’m not trying to discourage you from meeting her and getting to know her…but I’m just gently trying to let you know that meeting her, could cause you both a lot of heartbreak if things went the opposite way of you’re hoping for…

When my son found me and contacted me through Facebook, I was shocked, scared and felt so guilty…Maybe first write a letter and ask her mother, to ask your daughter if she wants to meet you and get to know you first….Then see where that leads to….

I wish you all the luck I have to give you and hope that eventually you can both meet up and form a wonderful relationship…

Thinking of you with kindness Dear yowiie.

Grandy..

[white knight]

I was secretly hoping Grandy would reply lol. Such a sweetheart.

If you were incorrect in her being your daughter it could cause serious harm to her relationship to her real father or even a step dad that has brought her up.

I'm sympathetic to your situation but there is no better way than face to face. How I would do that upon knocking on her door is- "Hi, my name is ....  and I'm wondering, you see, I was in a short relationship with your mum (say her name) before you were born. Can I ask you a question about your father? 

Now depending upon her answer you have a couple of ways to continue.

"I've never known my father"...   "I might be him but I'm not certain" then open your arms. Then follow up- "did you ever know your dads name"?

This is crucial as you really dont want any confusion, unnecessary trauma arriving.

"Yes, his name is ........(your name)"  no problem

"No, I knew he lived at ....."  Then you follow up more- "I could be your dad so I'd like to explain a few things (then go about your explanation of your short relationship and your revelation of finding out what she looked like)

She will be wondering what your intent is. That's why it is most important to, when the opportunity arises, to show her the love she has no doubt craved for so many years. Simply opening your arms might work "do you want a hug"? will be more than enough.

The final suggestion is to seek out Births Deaths and Marriages prior to door knocking. You might be on the birth certificate which would seal the identity and not cause doubt. Most if not all online sites that offer information will have charges attached. I'd suggest you seek out a PATERNITY LAWYER online.

I'm sorry I cant help further but you are welcome to tell us how you went. Follow up is an important thing for us here.

How do you feel about that?

TonyWK

[yowiie]

Thanks for the feedback , I will certainly keep up to date

[yowiie]

An update on proceedings.

I bit the bullet and sent a sincere and honest letter to the mother of the adult daughter, stating that I firmly believe that I am the biological father of the child.

it was a week before the mother got back to me and totally denied that I was the father and that she knew who the father was. We exchanged several emails and she said that she wished the daughter was mine, but still denying that she was mine

i bought it to her attention that I spoke to a mate of mine, who she had told That I got her pregnant

she actually confessed to him that it was me that fathered the child.

The mother did however ring my mother stating pretty much the same stuff, saying I wasn’t the father, but she did say she has told her daughter about the letter I sent her and the daughter wants to get the DNA done

should I try and make contact with the daughter

I never received another email.

What 

[white knight]

Hi

Clearly you need imo to push through with this and get the DNA, DNA is crucial to dissolving any doubt.

TonyWK