I Will Never Understand Why They Treat Me This Way

[Gamechanger]

I am almost 60 years of age.  I have a twin sister.  She and I have never gotten along.  She was always a bully when we were kids.  She sided with our brothers and the three of them made my life hell.  Mum and Dad were very neglectful and did not do anything about this behaviour. 

As the years have gone  by she has continued to be rude, uncaring, mean and downright nasty towards me.  As I am a sensitive person I have not confronted her.  I cannot actually believe the negative impact she has on my life.  She is sanctimonious, judgemental, never validates me.  She enjoys seeing me struggle with life and she never helps.  All she does is judges me and tells  me what I do wrong and tells me I am a loser basically.  I have had a tough life and she sits back and smirks at me.  Although I have  managed to have my son (IVF) and sacrifice my beautiful home and life in 2007 as my husband was a violent alcoholic.  I have a lovely home and my son is a beautiful person.  I have done  all of this on my own with zero help from her or my mother.  I feel my whole life means  nothing to them. 

  Dad died years ago but now Mum is in her eighties and my twin sister has taken it upon herself to dote on Mum.  They are as thick as thieves.  I feel so lonely and unloved.  My sister has always tried to hurt my feelings and she has lately been doing some  really bad gaslighting stuff.  I am struggling in general  and  her actions are making me feel so bad.  She and Mum are still the same in that they stick together and exclude me.  I am supposed to care about them but I hate them.  I have never been treated well by either of them.  I have had some horrid traumas in my life and neither of them gave me any care or consideration. I am writing this because I feel I have to dump them from my life.  They bring no happiness.  Only shame and guilt.  Nothing I do is good enough for them.  They ridicule me and never validate me.  I think now looking back she was sick at birth and Mum  was obsessed  with  her and  neglected me.  It is crazy that they bother and upset me so much at my age but I really am  struggling over  what to  do.  For what it is worth they both got very ill with Covid over Xmas and I was running around after them for weeks.  They were never  there when I had my shoulder operation, my laparotomy and indeed my c section.  I just can't understand why.  I have done  nothing wrong.  I am so distressed.  I have a shit job and no life.  

[Juliet_84]

Hi gamechanger,

Firstly, congratulations on your beautiful son and your lovely home, you already have everything you need right there. I’m sorry that you never got the love and care from your family that you deserved. It is clear that your mother and sister are incredibly toxic people. They make you feel as if it’s something that you’ve done and make you question yourself because they are so over the top doting with each other but then exclude you. This is a common manipulation technique of toxic people but the reality is that they always need someone to persecute, they can’t be “doting” without taking their frustrations out on someone else. If you removed yourself, their relationship would soon crumble or they’d need someone else to torment. You have every right to cut people out of your life who make you feel bad, question your worth and don’t bring you peace and do nothing for you but demand a lot of you. At the very least, I would be setting some very firm boundaries, you don’t even necessarily need to do this out loud but I wouldn’t be doing anything for them with the way they behave, that’s for sure. I would withdraw from them quite a lot and state “I won’t be spoken to like that” and leave whenever they are rude. Make sure you go over to their place so that you can control when you leave etc. Or just remove them and surround yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect. You might not have a lot but a few good people are worth more than 10 bad ones. 

[Gamechanger]

Thankyou for your reply and advice.  I will be taking a step back from them and  will try to stand up for myself.  It is hard because whenever I have  done this in the  past my sister invariably gets worse and becomes even more hurtful.  I will never understand this dynamic.  I just have to try and get on with my own life and  not let them have such a negative impact on me. 

[Juliet_84]

Oh for sure, abusive people hate being called out on their abusive behaviour and will often double-down on it in an attempt to regain control over you. But they already speak to you like dirt anyway so there’s no real loss and you will be standing up for yourself. Give yourself permission to get angry, to forego politeness and agreeableness and say exactly what you think. They use their behaviour to exploit the fact that that most people wouldn’t actually treat people the way that they do, so it can be a real shock when someone stands up to them. Set firm boundaries, and be prepared to leave every time they cross them. The reality is that you are likely never going to have a healthy relationship with these people and I am really sorry for that, but at the very least you can minimize the disrespect continually administered to you. 

[Gamechanger]

Exactly.  It is just awful how I have felt under their hold for my entire life.  I am actually scared of my sister.  It is beyond me that we are twins....nothing in common at all.  Another scary fact is that she is so good at what she does that I do actually doubt my sanity a lot of the time.  It  is very tragic that she hates me so much she has to do  this to me (and in effect my dear son; he hates seeing  me upset  over  this never ending saga. She has said some  unforgiveable things to him about me in  the  past...another long story).  She also tries to interfere with the only valuable relationship I have with my family; that being my Aunt.  My Aunt is my best friend, sister and surrogate mother all rolled into one.  She is the only person  who has  ever shown me  love, respect and compassion.  Indeed when I was suicidal in my teens (for  good reason...another long story), she was the only person who cared and who supported me to seek the operation I required.  I am so glad I have her in my life.  She too has issues with her sister; similar stuff.  Must run in families?  Horrid rude, narcissistic people...ugh.  Any wonder my only real loves are my son, my Aunt and of course animals!  I adore animals...they are such divine creatures.  I will be ok.  I am a survivor.  If only I could tell you my life story...you would  understand.  Thanks  again  for your reply and your support.  I really appreciate it.  

[Croix]

Dear Gamechanger~

I believe Juliet_84 is quite right and distance is at least part of the answer. Very often people do not feel adequate unless they are part of a group, which can be harmless. Some groups however stay together by fooling themselves they are superior to others and pick out someone to abuse -just to prove ot themselves how superior they are (actually it proves the opposite, it shows they are simply cruel). This toxic behavior is incredibly harmful on the person they insult and demean.

Sadly it is part of human nature that if one is maltreated by others in time one starts to feel a lesser person. It is completely unjustified of course. Part of the way out of this is to avoid those who are causing the injury - even if they are your family and you have the urge to be close and perhaps also the urge to do things on their behalf.

My parents were toxic and I spent the majority of my life well away from them, it gave me the freedom to be me.

I have a poem on my kitchen wall called The Desiderata. You may have heard of it, one lines states :

"Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. "

I quite agree and look at it often.

It will be difficult to separate yourself from these toxic people but, as I found, it is a release.

You know you are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Gamechanger]

Thankyou. 

I am  so  sorry you too have dealt with this.  It really is soul destroying.  You are very brave for avoiding them for the majority of your life!  I have always felt guilt and obligation to them/her; regardless of the awful treatment they/she mete out.   I still sometimes wonder if I am  exaggerating?  But going by my gut feel I am not.  Going by history I am not.  I guess this is another tactic they/she uses to make me feel so guilty and ashamed....  I will never get it.  I am such a caring and nice person.  I help people all the time.  From the elderly struggling at the store to rescuing stray animals!  I have been known  to pay for people's groceries when they had no money.. .. for my twin sister to abuse me in  this fashion and believe that I am a 'loser' is deplorable. But....as I said in  my earlier posts...she has done  this to me for my entire life. For as long as I can remember she has been a bully and put me down.  Taken over mother and tries to make me  feel  guilty for not running  around after her 24/7.  I rang mother today and she was very strange.  I told her I  love her and  cannot see her for a while due to my ridiculous work schedule.  She did eventually warm up a bit but I 100% know  my twin has been sledging me behind  my back as per usual. My twin is very loud, aggressive and swears a lot...she is hard work to be around at the best of times.  Makes the entire conversation about herself.  Has no regard for anyone other than mother.  Acts quite ludicrously to be honest. I am giving mother the benefit of the doubt to some degree as she is old and has post concussion syndrome.  However...my sister does not and she appears to be getting  worse as  the years go by.  

I am growing stronger  by having the support from yourself and Juliet_84.  Deep  down I have always known I am a victim of a narcissist but I have never  known how to deal  with it.  I doubt I will hear from  her.  We had an argument a few days ago as I did try to stand up for myself.  She did not like it....hung up on me then texted that she will 'speak to me some other time'.  Well...good luck with that as I have blocked her.  My son told me that a few  months ago when I was at my friends and had left my phone here; she rang and he answered.  He told me that she was drunk and  that she absolutely tore me to strips; told him she was 'sorry you have such a mental case for a mum'..'your mum has always been a crazy person' etc etc...when I came home  my son was absolutely devastated and so was I when he told me what had been said.  To this day she has never mentioned it or indeed said anything about it.  For what it is worth she did tell me years ago "if I do something  bad I just don't think  about it, and that means it never happened'.  Sociopathic behaviour?  

Oh well at the end of the day I KNOW I am a great person.  I have a wonderful son  whom I bought up entirely on  my own with zero assistance from her.  I have had terrible times in  my life and have dealt with them  on my own.  I am a survivor.  

[Juliet_84]

That’s what these people do sadly, they have you questioning your own reality and whether it’s “that bad”, but it’s actually often worse as we are so inclined to give the benefit of the doubt to family members, as they say “hope dies last” sadly. I think the comfort you can take from this is that you are a good and kind soul and she is an awful human being. Call it karma or whatever, but we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions at some point, very few get away with behaving the way she does for ever. Your reward is that you get to be you and her punishment is that she has to be her. It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your son and for that I am so pleased for you. My advice to you is just keep going until you find your “people”, people who value your kindness and warm spirit and remove people who dull your shine and make you question your worth. This is a lesson that I myself am having to learn after having people around me who poison my spirit. There are awful people out there for sure, but there are also a lot of good people out there. And no matter how many years you put in with a horrible person, it will never make them a good person. Be protective of your spirit and who you let in.  

[Croix]

Dear Gamechanger~

I didn't quite tell you the end of the story.

After very many years my mother contacted me though a third party and said she wished to see me as she was ill and was not long for this world.

Frankly I was part dismayed that there was now a re-connection and a hope wiht her years ending she might have changed and become a more considerate,  and less a cruel self centered person.

I think I must be a bit like you and will help anyone I can, and I too have paid a homeless person's groceries and fed them under the 'golden arches' (would not want to say right out what the name of the establishment was:)

So bitter experience warred with charity and duty and I ended up seeing her, and continued to do so for the short time she had remained. Sadly she had not changed in the least, was a acid and toxic as ever and as in the old days twisted everything I said to make her come out on top and make me the villain or failure.She was full of venom.

It was hard to keep fronting up and I felt great relief when she did pass away and i no longer had that  obligation.

I"m telling you this as I'm not sure that many toxic people can change, and to hope it will happen is sadly just an illusion.

As Juliet_84 pointed out you have a loving and trusting relationship wiht your son, and hopefully wil find others who do value you for the considerate and resourceful success you are.

Croix

[therising]

Hi Gamechanger

By nature, sensitive people can sense a lot more than insensitive people. Not entirely sure why some people refer to sensitive folk as being 'weak'. It's not logical that someone who has the ability to sense is weak. Such an ability is technically a strength. You sound like such a beautiful sensitive deeply loving person. The world is truly blessed to have you in it. You are a gift to your son in a world that needs more sensitive people.

Might sound a bit strange but I've found that having a sense of wonder come back to life in me has made a big difference when it comes to managing depressing narcissistic people. Such wonder has also been a gift in the way of naturally raising my self esteem. The kind of wonder I speak of isn't simple or basic. It has to be so strong at times and so genuine that it overrides the mental program that dictates 'You can't say that!'. To offer an example...

Just say someone says to us 'You're absolutely hopeless. You're way too sensitive because you're weak'. Now, if we're sensitive enough, we're going to feel those words as depressing. They have quite a downshift feel to them. That's when it pays to wonder out loud, if we wish to. 'I can't help but wonder what leads you to say such depressing stuff to me. Seriously, I can't help but wonder. There has to be a reason yet I can't quite work it out. What is the reason as to why you're so depressing? Do you know?'. Of course, a gaslighter will turn it all around with something along the lines of 'There's nothing wrong with me, it's you. You're just way too sensitive. You really need to do something about that. You need to toughen up'. If we felt that comment, it can feel like everything being turned around, being put back on us. 'I wonder what leads you to turn things back on people. Do you think it's a lack of responsibility or accountability? Personally, I get a sense of that's what it is but I could be wrong. I need clarification because I can't help but wonder and I don't want to left stuck in wondering. Now, if you lie to me or delude yourself, I'm going to feel that too because I'm a feeler. We sensitive people tend to feel what's true and what's not. By the way, does 'toughening up' mean I have to be as insensitive as you? If that's the case, I prefer to not toughen up'. 

Should add, people don't like when you wonder at them in such ways. You can be called all the names under the sun, some I can't write here without them being edited out. You can suddenly be labelled as 'difficult', 'confrontational', a 'b**ch', 'rude', 'horrible' and so on. While we can feel the impact of such labels, it doesn't really matter. Feel the label but don't allow it to be pinned to you. Feel it hit you and then let it just float on down to the ground and leave it there. What matters is the truth, 'We are wonderful', so full of wonder to the point where it can be liberating 😊💕

Spending time wondering at beautiful people can sound like 'I can't help but wonder what makes you so beautiful'. Do you ever wonder what makes your son so beautiful? I'd say his mum has something to do with that.