I want to separate from my husband but don't know how

[GoodWitch]

I've been married for 20yrs and we have 2 healthy children. We are financially stable. I know I should be happy but I feel depressed and stuck. I no longer want to be married.

I care deeply about my husband, and he is a good man, but he has always been totally closed off to his emotions. Since the beginning I felt rejected and alone when he wouldn't talk to me. After we had our first child I asked him to come to marriage counselling, but he refused. Then I asked him to read a book I’d found helpful, but he was offended that I was 'picking on him' and very angry about it. He said hurtful things I’ve never been able to forget. I think it was then I started to shut him out the way I had always felt shut out by him. That was 8 years ago.

He finally agreed to counselling about 2yrs ago but I feel like it's only scratched the surface. I've asked him to do extra reading or even his own therapy but he refuses. I’ve tried to initiate some fun activities for us but we don’t enjoy the same things and neither of us end up having a good time.

Intimacy is also a problem. For years I was having sex in order to keep the peace and now I just feel used up, like I’m not even capable of enjoying it anymore. The idea of having sex with him makes me so anxious I feel physically ill. It’s been months since I’ve tried and I don't want to again. I've read about sexless marriage, but I know my husband wouldn't handle that. Sex is very important to him. but the real problem isn't the sex it's the lack of connection. I don't know how to feel connected to him anymore. I don't think I want to.

I dream of asking him for a separation, but how? I only work part time, and I don’t want to move the kids even if I could afford to. And it seems too cruel to ask my husband to move out. Should I stay until the kids are adults and waste another 10yrs of both of our lives? The alternative is to break my husband's heart and break up my family. But staying is just adding more layers to my resentment and I'm scared I'll end up hating him.

Has anyone been through anything like this? I’m still seeing my own counsellor, but I think it's gotten to the point where more talking about the same issues won't help. I need to take some action, because I can't stay in limbo. I'm not living just existing.

Thank you

[GoodWitch]

Hi Moo

I'm glad you found some comfort in the thread. I just wanted to say to you, that staying with your hub for his sake only could end up leading to YOU being the one depressed, which is what happened to me. I stayed and stayed for so long bc I didn't think he'd cope with me gone. Then I got so depressed I couldn't see a way out for a long time. Please keep that in mind and take care of yourself. It is ok and normal to want to help others that we love, but try to recognise when you are doing it at your own expense. If you are truly feeling suffocated and unhappy...well, you deserve better. Ultimately, your hub's depression is his responsibility to deal with by going to counselling, trying medication etc. (is he doing these things?) It's not yours.

I hope that helps. Believe me when I say I'm no expert here, I am still struggling with trying to get my hub out of the house. He agreed to leave by Spring, which is soon, and the other day I found out he has not been looking at all and doesn't intend to move out until I've agreed to all these conditions about the settlement. So he's trying to emotionally blackmail me again and I feel stupid bc I should have known. He's been doing that to me for two decades and yet I continue to give him the benefit of the doubt. I keep believing he'll grow up and do the right thing bc I don't want to accept he's this manipulative. But he is...I just have to deal with it somehow, the feeling that I wasted 20+ years of my life giving to a person who only knows how to take and not how to give back.

What I'm saying is, I know how hard it is to really let go of a person. To let go of the toxic patterns you end up in with them when a relationship isn't healthy. No judgment from me AT ALL. But I hope you can start to view your relationship from the perspective of how good it is for YOU, and not for your hub. A relationship doesn't work if it's not working for both parties. You have needs as well.

All the best

GW

[Ebi]

GoodWitch, I think what you have written is so wise and spot on. It's really comforting to read this clarity about this type of situation. Thank you.

[GoodWitch]

oh! thank you for saying so Ebi

❤️

GW

[Mooioio]

Hi Goodwitch,

Thank you so much for your kind words. What you were saying are spot on on many levels ... I know I should look after myself and put my need first. I too give people too much benefit of the doubt. Hoping one day my hub will grow up and I keep making up excuses for him that he’s only like this because his life is tough. But life is tough for everyone and one should learn how to deal with things in a mature way. And he refused to go to see a therapist because apparently human are flaw and he doesn’t like to be told how he should think ...

He blames everyone that his life is ruined because of the decisions we made affecting him. 😞 ... I used to fall into the trap and felt responsible for it. But not now anymore. I have been working on this in the past 2 years.

So now I am working on building up my courage so one day I will be brave and leave him. And your words helped a lot. 🙂 I feel that definitely can do it ... after all I do want a family in the end and my clock is ticking 😞 and I can’t wait for him forever or leave it to late to then regret about it.

Thank you for your support.

Moo.

[paddyanne]

Hi GoodWitch. Leaving a 30 year marriage was hard, but staying because I kept hoping things would improve made it harder. My ex and I had no conversation, we were leading separate lives. We had no kids to 'cement' the marriage. We tried Geoff's solution, stay together but live as 'flatmates'. Unfortunately that failed due to no privacy. I have workmates who share the same house, but have separate living quarters. I faced him one night and said I couldn't keep up the pretence as mine and his health was being affected. Two weeks later, I left. He helped me move, he helped with setting up some of the furniture. I still took some time to adjust to being able to make decisions about where to place things. I could still hear him advising me. It took 7 months for the anger to settle. We are now great friends and see each other fairly regularly. We will never reconcile as husband and wife, but the friendship is rock solid. I still wouldn't contemplate a 'flatmate' arrangement, but the need to try and make something work, that won't, is not there. I guess if it's right, it's right. If it isn't working and no matter what you try, nothing helps, you have to face the fact that whatever was, isn't anymore.

[Christopher90]

Hi GoodWitch,

I just signed up here just to say how much I respect you. The things you have sacrificed for your relationship the constant barrage and here you are still standing strong and kicking ar*e. I just want you to know I'm so glad to hear you are working to remove yourself and I hope it's all over before you know it. It won't be easy but I have faith in you that you will get through this you are a soldier and a bloody good one even if you doubt yourself at times. I hope my fiancee turns out to be just as hard working, loyal and loving as you have shared with us in this forum. I truely wish you all the best and that you find the happiness you so deserve in life. I would also love to hear from you how it all turns out and if you ever need someone to vent to I would be glad to lend an ear. Goodluck and fingers crossed you find your freedom very soon.

Keep kicking ar*e friend,

Chris

[ThePrize]

Hi Goodwitch

i read your posts this morning which are helpful in my journey. Earlier this year I made the tough decision to leave my marriage of over 20 years. I had been unhappy for a number of years - whilst my husband is a good man, successful in his career and not abusive, I felt my feelings were ignored, I was not respected or an equal and controlled by him, particularly financially and life decisions. Things only worsened when I felt unsupported raising our teen daughters and a divide was created in our home - them v. me. I was unhappy, angry and anxious. I tried to tell him how I was feeling but he chose to ignore me and hoped I could fix things alone. I thought it was me - that there was something wrong with me. I went to doctors, was prescribed antidepressants, drank too much, tried to find things that made me happy outside the home, but at the end of the day every time I came home I felt alone. I knew I was unhappy within and had to make the big decision not only for myself but for my girls - to show them that their mumma wasn’t who they now saw, but rather a strong, independent woman who needs respect, love and laughter in her life, who believes in herself.

Well, I have been blown away by my separation journey. It has been 8 months and the grief I have experienced has been extremely painful. Whilst I am the one who decided to end the marriage I am shocked by the waves of emotions, the wishing things could have been different, the loss of what I had thought my life would look like, not to mention the pain caused to my husband and my beautiful girls. I wish I could change it and go back to how things used to be but I can’t - this is a lot harder than I thought. I question myself on a daily basis - but I know this is part of the process because at the end of the day this is one of the biggest decisions of my life.

One of the best bits of advice I have received along the way is to remember the prize - happiness! Thank you for sharing your journey and I hope it is heading towards your prize.

[BrokenDoll]

Goodwitch..... reading you initial post was just like reading my own personal script. I read your post and the following threads/replies through a blur or my tears. I have been married for 16 years (am 37 years old) and I’ve honestly felt alone for so much of that time. I have depression, but the last few years I have began to question whether that is the source of our problems or if it is a consequence of our problems. I just wanted to say thank you for this post, as it makes me feel less alone, like I’m not the only one going through this.

[GoodWitch]

Wow, thanks Christopher90! I don't feel like I'm kicking any a*rse but thanks.

Thanks also ThePrize, I hope the rest of your separation journey goes as well as can be expected. I know there is a lot to unpack. I'm still unpacking it too!

BrokenDoll...I too spent years wondering if my depression was causing my problems or if my marriage problems caused my depression. Now that I'm coming out the other side of things, slowly, I see it was the latter. I never took anti-depressants bc I knew in my gut they wouldn't help. I was depressed bc I had no voice in my relationship, and no partner just someone who made me feel like I wasn't worth any effort and didn't respect my feelings or boundaries.

Now that I sleep alone, I actually SLEEP which has done amazing things for my ability to cope with day to day things. I see things more clearly.

I'm not out of the woods but I can see the edges of the forest. I have organised mediation for my hub and me (Relationships Australia has been excellent so far), and they have contacted him about attending. Waiting for him to do that before we get down to negotiations but I think he will. He's anxious and bugs me to 'tell me what will happen' in mediation, but I told him they would tell him that in his information session. I wouldn't summarise it for him it wasn't my job to do that. I felt good saying that, I was kind but truthful. He needs to be a grown up and for him to do that I have to stop enabling his helplessness.

He also actually looked at a rental property last Friday. I'm waiting on tenterhooks in hope he gets it, but it's a tough rental market. I have my fingers crossed. Still, with his f/time secure income he is a lot better placed to be successful than me, and the place he looked at would be great for the kids - not something I could hope of affording. I'm hoping he sees now that's why I asked him to move out. I'm still prepared to go if it comes to that...still a lot of waiting involved. But I feel like I'm making progress. Mediation will be tough but I recognize I need support to negotiate with my hub. I'm not good at advocating for myself, so I'll probably need the lawyer again too at some point.

Cheers,

GW

[lantern22]

So sorry to hear you feel this way. But what about your vows? It seems to me you're depressed and maybe blaming your husband for an unhappy marriage. How do you think he will feel when you walk away for the marriage. My husband did this and it crushed me. I feel as though you need to work on 'You" and then your marriage. 20 years is long time and think of the impact it would have upon your children. Divorce is horrid. The pain never goes away imo. You made a vow in sickness and in health. Is this your sickness - your depression? It's not always going to be perfect. You need to solve your own problems instead of holding your husband accountable. love is about giving to the other..it's selfless, not selfish.