I've become a crutch

[CherryOnTop]

My family is a mess. My estranged sibling (we're both middle aged) has all sorts of issues and my parents can't agree on how to handle it. He's not very nice and my mum sees that but my dad doesn't It's ruined their marriage but, because of their age and financial arrangements, they won't separate.

My dad really bullies my mum and says nasty things to her and spends their retirement savings without asking her. He also shows little concern for her wellbeing. She has medical issues and he doesn't seem to care and when she says the stress makes it worse it has no effect on him. 

My mum and I get on well and have a lot of hobbies in common.  I have tried to be supportive, although I am emotionally involved and sometimes I have to take a step back for my own sake. However, lately I feel like I am being used as a crutch. My mum wants to spend so so so much time with me doing specified activities and it's stifling. And if I say no, even if she only gave me short notice, then she brings out the emotional blackmail about how it will be one of the only things that makes her happy  relentlessly until I give in or she gets super angry at me. If I ignore her then she just bombards me with calls and e-mails. Also "I'm stressed" or "I'm busy" or "I want to relax" are not valid excuses. Only a confirmed pre-existing appointment will do. She also keeps on buying things or do favours for me that I can do myself. I say yes because it makes her feel useful and hey, if I can cut down on some expenses in this current time then fine. But then she uses it to guilt me into doing things.  I love her and I enjoy doing activities with her and I do feel sorry for her. But I also have my own stressors and commitments and I don't want to be used as a comfort blanket. But then I feel guilty when I say no. 

Advice?

[therising]

Hi CherryOnTop

You sound like such a beautiful deeply feeling deeply caring person. Your mum's so incredibly blessed to have you in her life.

Not sure when it happens but at some point the tables can kinda turn and we can begin raising our parent or parents and it can become seriously stressful and exhausting at times in a whole stack of ways. I smile when I say raising parents is an incredibly complex thing. Mine are 84 and 88. I've somewhat managed to simplify by acknowledging I'm raising a friend or friends, which is a perspective I have when raising my kids too. So, how would I raise any friend, based on the circumstances they face? How to be a disciplinarian, leading a friend to become more self disciplined? How to be a loving person, leading a friend to more self love? How to lead a friend to be more open minded, leading them to see beyond imposed or self imposed limitations and beliefs? The list goes on. I think it becomes a matter of 'How to lead a friend to raise themself in a number of ways' so that we're not the only one in their life trying to raise their spirits, abilities and consciousness.

I've found redefining words has helped when trying to raise myself and others

• Disappointment: When an appointed role is disappointed. When someone appoints us a role we can't always fill, there has to be some process of disappointment. For example, when we're appointed the role of she/he who will always be there but we can't be there at certain times of the day or week because we have other appointments/appointed tasks and roles, it becomes about managing appointments. My 20yo daughter actually put an app on my phone ('Time Tree') so we could share in seeing the free time we both have. Emergencies are a different story of course
• Guilt: The sense or feeling of having our consciousness raised. I see that feeling as asking me 'Who do you want to be in this moment or from this moment onward?'. The answer could be 'I want to be the kind of person who balances care of others with self care. I want to manage some of my time in self loving ways'. Making it clear to others who we intend to be and managing with appointments or appointed times can be helpful. Leading others to become fully conscious of our stress and challenges can also help
• Love: I find love in evolution, in more ways than one. Being invested in a friend's evolution may mean saying 'I want you to raise yourself in small ways, so you can feel a sense of achievement, a sense of pride, a sense of self love and self respect. While I'm happy to help you with the bigger challenges, I want you to develop yourself through the tiny stepping stone challenges'. For example 'Mum, we'll go to the bank together to set up a new savings account for you but I want you to be the one who makes small weekly or monthly deposits into it, for your retirement. I want you to see yourself gradually gaining a sense of financial security'. While your dad invests the money they share in products he likes to have, your mum's investing in her own way. They simply choose different ways to invest the money they share. Your mum's fear of having nothing left for retirement must be so incredibly stressful.