I took him back - but I can't trust him

[sunflower89]

Me and my boyfriend actually kicked off really well. From the beginning he gave me a feeling of being loved, helped me a lot with me grieving the loss of my mom 2 years ago and I felt very happy in our relationship. Until I went home for 5 weeks (I'm not originally Australian), just to come back to find out he cheated on me. This was after coming back with all my stuff and the intention to stay in Oz with and for him. He first denied it, then came clear when I told him how I know he did it. He claimed that he loves me, he doesn't know why he did it (it was with an old flame) and that he never meant to hurt me. I was shocked, sad, broken. But I love him so much, that I tool him back. We now intend to travel together soon and actually it all seems like our relationship is growing stronger.

But I did the mistake of snooping in his phone. And then I saw it: messages to a female friend of his, talking about how he loves me, but he sometimes feels like he can't handle my moods. How he wants to find out when we travel, if he wants to stay with me. And the worst bit: she should come to Asia and they could travel together and see what happens with them.

He doesn't know I saw these messages. But I asked him if he is sure about me, he said yes. If there is someone else, and he said no. I even asked about that girl and he said he doesn't feel attracted to her, she is like a little sister to him. He would only love me. He told me how he is anxious about traveling, about me (if I really still like him after what happened), about his life. And I know he has anxiety for a while now and thought maybe thats also why he cheated on me, cause things got more and more serious with us.

But bottom line: He pretty much seems to arrange meeting this girl if things with us don't work out. And I know what people will say: get rid of him, he is cheating on you again. But i just don't know what to do. I really do love him and when we are together everything is fine. It just seems to get awkward whenever we are apart (we live 3 hours by bus from each other atm and only see each other once a week) and thats also when he sent these messages to the girl. I dunno if he just plays me, or if he is really just anxious. If he has true feelings for that girl. If he really simply wants to replace me. But how... how can he do that? And how can I handle this situation? I already booked our flights. But I'm so deeply hurt. I don't want out, but feel like I probably have to. But how?

[White_Rose]

Hello Sunflower

Thanks for your reply. You have been given a number of suggestions but they all say the same thing, let him go. You are only responsible for your thoughts and actions. Allowing him to decide for you is the quickest way to lose your independence and self confidence.

I know you feel bad for snooping but I want to ask, do you know why you did this? I suspect you were beginning to distrust him and had no other way of believing what he said. I think that gives you an indication of how you really feel. Moving half way round the world to be with him and then finding he is cheating is a horrible blow for you. Men like this do not change easily and usually not at all.

You on the other hand sound like a very lovely girl wanting a rest-of-your-life partnership where you can grow together, be best friends as well as lovers. What are your options for staying here and for going home? Do you have friends here and a job? Do you like the lifestyle here? Would you like to stay for a while? On the other side, do you have friends and family back home? Can you get a job easily? How do you like living there?

Giving the bf the flick and staying here because you enjoy living in Oz is a great decision. Going home because you hurt too much is sad but understandable.

This is a quick post as I wanted you to know you already have friends here on the forum. Look after yourself because that's where you have control. BF will do as he wants which is up to him. He will always keep his best interests in mind no matter what you do. The pain of parting will not start until he goes but will be over sooner if you part now.

Mary

[LeeA18]

My ex sent a text to a woman he was talking to right in front of me. He lied to me about who it was. Then I saw photos later that day when he went to text someone when sitting next to me. I believe things happen for a reason. Also, it must have been your gut instinct to have had a look at his phone.

its hard to be betrayed in this way. You have to let him go and move on. There is someone out there that will value you and will never want to hurt you like this. I would also suggest therapy to you, if you aren’t already. This will help you with the betrayal and also moving on from the relationship.

[IsaJett]

Hi sunflower

I was there in your position ....it so stings ..because the lies ....u simply can’t believe it ..

i remember when I found about the affair ...the lies that was construed to bambozzled the crap out of me ...I was so damm confused ...thinking he loves me and the mistress was crazy ...but boy was I just caught up in his web of lies. They were doing all these things ..good grief ..and I’m like how did I miss the signs ??

sometimes what we call love ...puts us in a thick fog ...foggy brains ...so not ideal ..

i ended up spiralling into depression and anxiety ..it was pretty horrendous .

You must find the strength to move on ...the sooner the better ..don’t torture yourself in there ..cos I did that for way too long ,.you deserve so much better .so so so much better .

He will miss you when you are gone ...but you won’t be around to care about him anymore ...cos you would have moved on nicely .

and this will defintely make you stronger and you will be well equipped to smell another rat a mile away ...when u start dating again and trust me you will .

good luck ..power to you to move on and let go of this toxic relationship .