I think we are over

Swirlharmony · ‎20-12-2015

Hi,

A bit of background, married 14 years, 3 young kids under 9.

houses, mortgages the rest. Im a stay at home momma and his got a white collar job working 5 days a week.

My husband and I are at a weird place. We have struggled for years now, our relationship rarely has anymore good times, they are based on passing each other in the house and talking about bills ect.

We have started counselling, 1 session, but husband has put up this big wall, and we don't have another session till way after christmas.

He basically said he he loves it when we don't flight, so its better not to have any relationship. We don't sleep in the same bed, and we don't talk to one another unless its something about the kids.

He annoys me and I feel so sad that this marriage isn't working out. I believed that we were meant to be this big true love. and I think Ive finally realise that all i believe in is magical thinking.

He dosent show any love towards me, and I think he doesn't even enjoy me as a friend even.

Its weird place to be in. I have put up a wall now too and I can't let him in anymore. it always goes back to this situation where we are strangers to each other.

He lives his life and I live mine.

This marriage feel hopeless.

pipsy · ‎20-12-2015

Dear Swirlharmony. I'm sorry things are the way they are. You've said it all, in a nutshell you're flatmates. Have your kids commented, they must have noticed you don't speak. You don't really even have a flatmate situation, flatmates do talk about how each other's jobs are going. Do you ask him about his job? How do you feel about continuing counselling without him? It sounds to me as though you each want 'out', but don't know how to talk about it. Have you tried writing down how you feel and what you want? You need to find out what he wants, I would write down what you want, ask what he wants. If he says he wants a divorce, or just wants to continue as you are, how do you feel about that? Perhaps you need to talk to your counsellor for guidance on how to ask him what he wants. What do you want? The key word is communication, which you don't have. Do you know when all this started, what started it. If you want more than he can offer, you need to think about the best course of action for you. Is it possible he has someone else, you need to know what's going on? As much as it might hurt you, you need to know where you stand. Write him a letter, that way you'll be able to say exactly how you feel and what you want.

Dylan_J · ‎09-01-2016

Hi Swirlharmony,

I can strongly relate to what you write, as I am in a similar situation - except that I am on the male side.

Like your husband, I also don't like to fight. But one difference is that I do want a relationship, I just don't want to do it shouting (and sometimes worse) - especially in front of the kids. But I guess I really annoy my partner and now there seems little chance of backing out of this checkmate.

I had hoped to continue on as "flatmates" as pipsy says above, because we have a lovely daughter but that does not seem to be working - wheras I just want us all to be happy, she seems to hold a grudge and flare up all the time. The child and I have to repeat our mantra "Mummy don't fight".

Thank you for your email, I feel for you, I don't know what the solution is, but it helps to know that I am not alone in my predicament.

pipsy · ‎10-01-2016

Hi Dylan. I wonder if perhaps your spouse wants something you can't give her? That's no reflection on you, but perhaps she went into the relationship with the proverbial 'stars in her eyes', now reality check, it's not what she thought it was going to be. As girls are growing, we're painted a rosy picture of marriage and 'happy ever after'. Most girls even want to marry their father, they see him as their ideal. Our fathers are our first role model for what we think we want. They meet the 'man of their dreams', get married, then 'whammo', hang on, he's not like dad. Hang on, what happened. They become disillusioned, even angry and the poor unsuspecting spouse gets blamed for not being like daddy. I'm not saying it's the same every case, but that seems to be the criteria for most of the problems. Once she 'gets past' expecting husband to be carbon copy of 'dad', she then grows up and realizes she possibly actually has it better than mum. Try asking your wife about her relationship with her father, not saying that's all the problem is, but hey, it's a start. If that's not the case, ask her what exactly she wants in a marriage. Maybe write her a letter, that way you avoid the 'slanging' match. Leave the letter where she'll find it, while you're not there. She can scream at you to her heart's content, you're not there to argue back. She's got a lot of rage issues that need to be addressed.

Have a think about it.