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Confused about if I should stay or go

Sherman
Community Member

Hi there , 

I have two children 10 and 15 and I remarried last year after a very short time alone. My husband has a son 13 and we have all children full time .

We have been together for 3 years now and have gone through a lot with custody battles and dvo with my ex husband . 

I understand this is pressure on him but he sees its more harder for him than me. 

The decisions I make re custody and court ect he always sees as wrong and he knows better. 

He drinks every night and I'm too scared to say it's and issue as he will get mad.  

We have had some disagreements where the children have heard and now my children are anxious of another divorce possibility. 

I am anxious myself and we have discussed this and he says I blame that on everything and it's my fault I feel that way not his. 

When he disagrees with me I just accept and apologise and leave it. 

I now feel I am weak and disappointed in myself . When he gets mad he raises his voice and its confrontational for me. 

I then stress and think he's leaving and need him to tell me it's on and he's staying and we are ok , but that makes him mad. 

I geel as though I can't be alone and am fearful that's why I stay. 

Mum worried for my kids to see me upset and to have to go through this again. 

If I go to councillors he worries they will put things in my head that shouldn't be there and that I will overthink more. Medication he is worried about s that's not dealing with my issues.

any advise would be great 🙂 

 

7 Replies 7

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Sherman.  Any decisions you make re: children i.e custody access etc, should be discussed with ex spouse, possibly lawyers if you can't reach an amicable agreement.  Perhaps your (now) spouse feels a bit anxious you and ex could reconcile.  Is your present spouse divorced or a widower?  If he's a widower, maybe he needs reassurance you're 'his' and you and ex are just trying to sort things out.  If he's divorced too and his divorce was acrimonious, he sees yours as not so acrimonious, this could also make him a  bit uneasy.  The drinking could be just an 'escape', if he genuinely has a drinking problem, you need help from another source i.e  AA.   Perhaps if you wrote him a letter explaining that you love him, there's no possibility of you leaving.  Also reassure him, you're trying to do the best you can for your children from your previous marriage.  If your ex is unstable or violent, you may have to look at limiting his access, but that's something you need to discuss with lawyer.  Once your present spouse realizes you married and love him, he may settle down.  My ex used to try to make me feel inferior by implying I didn't know what I was talking about.  In my case, I had no choice but to leave.  Your hubby might be feeling a bit insecure because of your continued contact with ex, once he knows in his heart, that you two are 'alright', things will possibly get better.  If there is a drink problem, that has to be addressed.

Good luck.

Sherman
Community Member

Hi pipsy 

thanks very much for your reply:) 

my ex and I don't talk it all through court but if I reply to a text my current husband always says it's something wrong . 

His ex he left and she has chosen not to see her child as she is intimated by my husband she says . 

I tell my husband all the time I love him but if i don't t agree about disipline or anything he starts arguments that can go for hours on end just to get his point across and can be nasty at times and in my face. 

I asked him to leave on an occasion that happened and he left the next day was very nasty my hurtful and Syd I make him that way . 

I don't want my kids to think this is normal as its not ok. 

He then ignores me for days then I get anxious and depressed and can't do anything with my kids as I feel so helpless and scared about what may happen . 

pipsy
Community Member

Hi Sherman.  Hate to say this, I know it's not what you want to hear, but your hubby sounds almost paranoid with insecurities.  When it comes to opinions, we are all entitled to our own, just because we don't agree 24/7 , it doesn't mean we want the world to end.  You're right in that the way you're living is not normal.  It's harmful for the kids because they need to feel safe in their own home.  Maybe you and hubby do need time out from each other.  I know you love him, but his idea of love is almost 'ownership'.  Is there someway you and your kids could go away for a while so your hubby can get himself sorted.  Would he agree to counselling?  Disciplining kids has always been contentious with mum's  and dad's.  Dad's tend to believe their way is 'right', whereas mum's are quite often too soft in dad's eyes.  Mum's tend to believe dad is too hard, this causes untold confusion with the kids.  For your kids sake, you need to have harmony (as much as possible), this isn't happening with you.  If you could get some time away with your kids, it might help you decide what you want.  It might also help him realize you're not his ex.  This could be part of the problem too, he's unconsciously comparing you to ex. 

Ex spouses can cause problems more so when they are ex.  Have a think about what's best for you and kids.  They are really your first priority. 

Sherman
Community Member

Hi again 🙂 

mans that's what makes it so hard they Love him but don't like seeing me upset. If I were to leave I would be even more upset so I can't see how that would help them and that worries me. 

Its like i need a man to be happy and I left my ex and moved on quickly. 

I have a fear of being alone but enjoy my own company 

I'm so confused and have my daughter in councillors due to her separation anxiety and fear of abandonment due to her father and the present issues we have there . 

 

pipsy
Community Member
Hi Sherman.  Can I ask why you and ex separated?  Is your present spouse similar to ex in any way?  If they are alike, you've simply gone from one bad situation straight to another.  I realize how hard it is to be alone, but, at the same time, is being part of a couple (unhappy, in your case), better.  Some women do drift from one bad situation to another, rather than being on their own.  Perhaps if you make a list of the do's (reason to stay with him) and the don'ts (how to live away).  Look at the overall situation from 'the outside' how would you advise someone in a similar situation.  You have an awful lot going on at the moment, a daughter in counselling, arguments within the marriage, making daughter possibly more uneasy.  Can I say, you seemed to have gone from the frying pan to the fire.  Yes, if you left, you would be upset (I don't see how you could be more upset than you are).  But, the longer you stay, the more upset.  You're the only one who can decide, but once you're away, don't forget, the peace from no more arguments.  No more having to justify why the contact with ex.  Freedom from marital abuse is Heaven.  Verbal abuse is just as bad as physical.        

Sherman
Community Member

Hi pipsy 

There are some similarities but the difference is with my ex he didn't effect me when he got grumpy , my current husband gets grumpy and I feel like the world is coming to an end lol

If my children ask to go out I feel I need to check with him first then when he says no and I then tell my son no my husband gets grumpy as now I've made him look like the bad one yet he never aka me if his son can go anywhere. My son at times has to be home to look after his son who is 13 and he resents him for that as its stops him from going places , which puts me in a  tough place as I think if they were blood siblings I'd expect him to do so but I don't do that . When he drinks every night he ponders on things and brings things up that bother him and go on and on about things sometimes and it's so exhausting. 

I love him more than anyone I have before and that makes it so much harder.

i have booked councilling for myself and he is worried it will plant things in my head and make me worry more !! 

 

pipsy
Community Member

Dear Sherman.  You seem to be looking for excuses for your current husbands behaviour instead of making him take responsibility for his own actions.  If your son doesn't want to look after your hubby's son, he shouldn't have to.  You didn't get married so your hubby's children would have on-call baby sitters.  If your hubby really loves you, he should be working with you when it comes to the kids.  If you're happy for your son to go out, ask your hubby about a 'curfew'.  If he says no and says why, at least your son will know it's not just because he's his 'stepfather'.  If he's just being 'stubborn', you're going to have a rebellious son as well as a troubled marriage.  Problem being also, does your son have contact with his father?  This will cause conflict if dad says one thing, stepdad says another.  When you have two families adjusting, it's very difficult when you're trying to establish a comfortable home life.  I would continue with counselling, try to explain why you're going.  It's not because you're trying to break up, it's because you're trying to adjust.  Counselling won't break you up, no-one but you and he can do that.  The counsellor will give you some guidelines for better communication.