I pushed my husband away

[Kmac]

My husband and I were together for 8 years and married for 1.5. We have 2 children together (under 6). I'm not really sure when my depression started. I remember after our 2nd child there were some signs. But it was after our wedding I shut down. I had nothing to focus all of my energy into. If i was feeling down before the wedding, I just concentrated on planning which helped me focus my feelings on something positive. I felt increasing lonely and distant from my husband. I spent a lot of times online, chatting to friends but not connecting to the person who should have been closest to me. He became busier at work and seemed to spend more time away from home. He asked me often what was wrong but I just fobbed it off, because i couldn't explain why i felt so sad or lonely without a good excuse for feeling this way. I felt as though my issues and feelings weren't important. He had stresses at work and i didn't want to add to that.

4 months ago, my husband told me he wasn't in love with me anymore. I was crushed. My dreams of a happy family were shattered. He moved out and stayed with a friend of ours (who he also worked with). I knew he had left because I shut him out and made him feel unimportant and unloved. It was at this time when i couldn't stop crying and found it hard to get out of bed in the mornings, that i went to my GP and was diagnosed with Depression and placed on medication. I knew if i wanted a chance to get my husband to come home, i had to admit i had an issue and make positive changes. I enrolled to study and read books and online blogs as i tried to understand why i had felt the way i did, why i thought i had to shut out my loving husband.

We decided we would try to fix things and i thought things were going well until i received an annonymous phone call to say my husband was having an affair with the 'friend' he had been staying with. I confronted him and he denied it all. Then a few days later he admitted that she had told him that she had feelings for him and they had shared an emotional embrace which led to a kiss. He swore that was all that had happened. Again I was shattered, but after all of the hard work i had done to get better for my family, i wasn't willing to let this destroy us. I asked him to cut all ties with her and work to get our marriage back. He agreed at first and moved back in but after a week away from work, he returned and nothing had really changed. He stayed at home for 2 weeks before he became upset with me again and told me he 'couldn't do this' and moved out (luckily not with her).

Now he is angry and can't understand why I was shutting him out and i so feel guilty for destroying our marriage and my family. I feel rejected, exhausted and unloved. I have never before doubted the trust i have in him. I have overwhelming feelings of being 'not good enough' and that he must really hate me to be willing to leave our 2 beautiful children behind. He volunteers within our community and shows so much compassion to others and I feel like he has none for me and my fight with depression. He understands what it means to be depressed but can't seem to see that this was they cause or forgive me for pushing him away.

I don't know what to do next.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Hey Kmac,

It's as natural to love someone and cherish them as it is to push them away if you're suffering from depression.  Despite all that has happened your husband will still be your kids father and you'll have to work out a way of involving him in your kids lives without being a part of the blame game.  If they are under 6 it will be almost impossible for them to understand everything but when they are 10 years older they might appreciate your efforts to keep some healthy contact going.

I know being depressed carries a lot of judgement and you seem to be very hard on yourself.  But, at the same time, as you say, your husband moving into an affair or leaving you is a huge judgement too.   If something's not working it could be because everything is so raw and anxious.     I'm not sure what else you can do apart for be there for your kids and concentrate on your own health.

I would not understand if my wife had cancer either - I would just know there were side effects and that her hair would fall out with chemotherapy.    About the only thing we could be positive about and focus all our energies would be the kids.  And most kids are very resiliant, even in dire circumstances.    Maybe it's the lack of emotional baggage at that age.  But they sure as hell deal with life if we include them in our journey.    Good Luck with all the healing and faith for the future.

Adios, David.

[geoff]

dear Kmac, this is a difficult one to answer, well not really, but to respond to.

Your depression has caused you to feel unwell and I can totally understand this because that's what this illness does to us, and we can't help that, it's in the make up of depression, and we are unable to stop it.

When our spouse or partner spends more time at work, then this is an indication that there is something wrong, and maybe he did this because of his work friend, being a female and was not at work at all.

This is so disappointing not only for you but your children who will miss out on a dad from not being home.

He has tasted the outside world again, and I think that's what he wants, to be able to do as he pleases, however this is wrecking the family unit, plus it means that you are not getting the support from him that you need to help you overcome depression, in other words he doesn't want to help you, sorry.

If he has compassion to other people but not to you is a worry, because he will try and get all the community support behind him, and that's so unfair for you, and I hope that all of his exaggerations don't put you into being the mean one out of this, because your not, you have depression, and that's so unfair, you didn't ask for this damn illness, and you didn't put your hand up, none of us have either.

I'm sorry Kmac, I don't want to upset you because it's hard enough at the moment for you, I'm only commenting from the outside, and I do hope that he does come back to you.

I truly hope that you can reply to us. L Geoff. xx

[Amigo]

Hi Kmac

Resolving your depression will give you the best chance to have a fulfilling life... with your love life, family, friends, work, etc

May your journey to recovery be full of many beautiful moments and lead you to peace