I need strength to carry on

[Apollo_Black]

Hi everyone.

I've been commenting on other people's posts and trying to be positive - but my situation is wearing me down.

My marriage of 5 years has broken down. We have a four year old boy. It all started when I told my wife I wanted an intimate marriage and she reacted by saying I had destroyed our marriage by bringing it up. Over the last 4 months it has been horrible - she wanted me to leave the house, counseling failed, she became more abusive emotionally, verbally and physically.

I refused to leave our house. I do a lot for our son and I'm not abandoning him. She thinks I'm only entitled to have our son 2 days a fortnight if we separate. This is our son who I see every day, am with every night, every weekend, cook for him, feed him, bath him, pick him up from kindy. I want him at least 6 nights a fortnight but she won't have that. We've both been to lawyers and the next step is family dispute resolution - I'm just worried it will escalate and she will take it to court which will destroy us all.

I'm pretty lost at the moment. My wife is threatening to take our son to her parents and I won't see him until after court. She's trying to stop me from doing things with him when I am around. I'm using all my strength just to hold up in front of my son and to remain calm and collected.

I hate this unknown, I live in fear of what my wife is going to do next and in particular I'm so worried for our son. I'm dreading the day we/I have to tell him mummy and daddy won't be living together any more, how he will react, how he will cope. What a nightmare. Can anyone tell me if they have been in a similar position? I can truly see why people are forced to leave their own homes and give up time with their children because they feel they have no other choice. Well I'm not going to leave. I have done nothing wrong and I'm going to stand up for myself and my son - who needs his dad in his life just as much as his mum

[pipsy]

I actually meant the behaviour situation, sorry I didn't make myself clearer. Once she goes to the counselling, possibly, with time and encouragement, help etc from the counsellor, these points could be raised too.

Lynda.

[blondguy]

Hey Apollo

Lynda has the kindness and clarity of an angel and she has a good point. As a guy that has been a victim of emotional and physical abuse from my 45kilo ex Apollo...Can I quote something you just said which rang so many bells for me...

"I would have preferred she forgoe the abuse, isolating behavior,
animosity, cruelty, insanity and torture in favour of being a reasonable
human being and engaging in rational discussions to begin with. That
would have been nice."

I have read the kind and heartfelt advice you give to people on the forums...I just agree with your sense of balance by choosing hope. I would have an eye out too as you are. Nothing wrong with having hope or keeping an eye out.

Nice1 Apollo...you are doing everything you can 🙂

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi AB. There is no harm in watching for future abuse even while seeing the counsellor. However, if you go in to a counsellor, with the objective of not getting past what's in the past, you really have no hope for the future. Once the counsellor hears 'both sides' he will be able to give you communication guidelines. Once you can communicate, when you feel you're being abused, you will be able to use the guidelines you've been given. If your wife continues her destructive behaviour, you may have to seek other options. However, we won't discuss anything further until we have to. I apologise if you felt I was making light of your feelings, believe me I wasn't. I totally understand your feelings of continuous put-downs, abuse etc. I suffered similar with me ex. Like your wife, he refused counselling totally. We're separated, luckily we didn't HAVE to attend counselling. He still refuses. At least your wife is prepared to give it a try, for whatever reason. You're luckier than me, there.

As I said earlier, good luck. I really mean that.

Lynda.

[Apollo_Black]

Don't apologise Lynda I need to keep a lid on wayward emotions to prevent any backwards momentum. I guess I was just trying to get out there that I'm going to do my best not to the "nice guy" thing and let our marriage slip back into what it was - a fairly loveless, co-existent relationship. Saying that I have a lot to be thankful for and appreciate that many people are a lot less well off. I have a decent job, a house, my health and a healthy young boy who is doing well. And I do really do appreciate your help and support particularly you and Paul are providing

[Apollo_Black]

Counselling was a waste of almost $1000.

My wife got up and walked out of our session yesterday after not even 20 minutes. She refused to be accountable for her "encounter" with her old friend. She refused to acknowledge the significance of its impact on me.

But the counsellor charged me for an hour anyway, which was fine.

Considering my wife also thinks it's ok to continue to treat me with contempt (she refuses to even consider this) I have no choice but to terminate the marriage. Happy days...

[blondguy]

Hey Apollo, I hear you loud and clear.....Your ex doesnt wish to acknowledge her past behavior?..Not a good move on her part Apollo........That is sad news.....Did your wife contribute anything productive towards your relationship in counseling?

Here for you

Paul

[Apollo_Black]

Hi Paul

thanks for your thoughts. No she didn't contribute anything meaningful. It's all pretty sad. The thing that annoyed me is that she continued to be generally not a nice person whilst we were going through the process.

She didn't like the attention on her meeting a guy at night on a beach. She blamed me for it.

So I guess that's it. We haven't talked about it. I think we both realise it's done. I just fear for our son and how he will cope. I don't want her going off the rails and taking him down with her......

[pipsy]

Hey AB. I'm so sorry your wife walked out from the counselling session. It seems apparent she has no wish to try and that is sad too. At least you can say you gave it your best, for that you are to be commended. It sounds as though she feels so defensive, her first move was to attack. Are you returning to the counsellor for guidance on your next move? I suppose your only option, as you said, is terminating the marriage. I would consider keeping with the counsellor to give you guidance on how to proceed with whatever decision you make. Be it termination or just general counselling. You are a good person who gave it your best shot.

Lynda

[blondguy]

Hey Apollo, sounds like your wife still has the word 'Denial' firmly imprinted on her conscious...I do wish she would lose the 'venom'.

I know you understand that I have been through the same as you Apollo. Your son is paramount and so he should be. My daughter was/is too. I tried my hardest to help my daughter when she was 2 when my ex and I seperated and it was soul destroying......but....

How much recourse (further counseling) do you have with your wife? Or as you say....'to put it bluntly'....what does your wife want you to do to help the relationship keep going?

Here Apollo

[Apollo_Black]

Thanks Paul and Lynda

i don't have plans to see that counsellor again. I didn't have a lot of confidence in her anyway, even though she probably tried her best.

I'm not sure if I need anybody right now apart from my lawyer.

My wife and I talked briefly right after the session - I rang her. She wasn't confident about the marriage working nor spending more money on another counsellor. Her parting words were "I'm sick of this ***" and hung up. I texted her saying "what *** are you sick of?" She replied saying "you and others telling me how to respond and act".

i left it at that. We haven't talked since then. She's going to bed really early. Our son is sick so I've been staying at home with him. My plan is to at some stage in the next few days engage with her about where to from here.....

im pretty confident in my decision to tell her I can't do this any more