I need help finding a way to communicate with my partner

[Scot_Girl_In_Aus]

I'm new to this and have never used a site like this but here we go. I have recently moved from Scotland to Aus to be closer to my partner. All in all I would say we have a very good relationship, very loving and very easy but we are living with his family and it is a very stressful household to live in. On top of this I have suffered from depression and anxiety for many years and was put on anti-depressants at the start of last year but would only take them for short periods. I haven't taken my meds for around a year but recently I have been feeling increasingly down and more anxious. My negative thoughts have been increasing and my self image is very low at the moment, which makes me question why my partner would love me and if he really does. When I try to talk to him about how i'm feeling I just start to break down which doesn't help anything, stopping me from articulating and saying what I need to. I also get very upset and anxious whenever he leaves for work and his hours have also increased recently when I feel I need him at home more than ever. I feel guilty for getting sad before he goes knowing he'll stress about it at work. I'm really struggling to communicate how I'm feeling as whenever I cry or get upset it scare and worries him. He knew before I moved that I can get like this but has never seen it so he is unsure how to help me. I don't like him seeing me like this and I feel like I'm just causing him to have more things to worry about. The only way I was able to tell him that I was beginning to feel like this again was through messaging but I don't feel I can really get everything across by doing this. Living here with almost no support network is very hard and I cant really talk to his family members about how I'm feeling. Any thought or suggestions would be very welcomed.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Scot.Girl.In.Aus

I would like to reach out a hand in friendship and welcome you to the bb forum. You have arrived at a place of kindness and non-judgemental support.

I'm really sorry to hear that you are having such a tough time. Thirty years ago I left Canada for Australia and the man of my dreams, so I understand the challenges you face.

It isn't easy to live away from home, no matter how much you love your partner. I'm not surprised that you are feeling anxious and/or depressed, given the tremendous changes in your life and your stressful living arrangements. You should be very proud of the courage you've shown and your willingness to believe in love.

My first suggestion is to look after yourself with a healthy diet, exercise and plenty of sleep. Make time to do things you enjoy and try to get out of the house each day, even it it's just a short walk to trip to the shops.

I'm wondering if you have a GP and if you would be comfortable talking to your doctor? I really think some professional advice is required. Anxiety and depression are common and treatable conditions and with the right treatment most people recover.

I alsi want to encoueage you to keep trying to talk to your partner. He loves you and I'm sure he's worried about you. If you can't get the words out maybe you can try writing him a letter. It would enable you to say more than possible in just a text. Or maybe download some bb materials from the website to try and start the conversation. Let him in and lean on him for now. It's okay.

You could also reach out to a good friend or family member in Scotland. Skype is terrific and helps keep me close to family. Maybe it could help you, too.

Just remember that you are not alone. There are many people here that can support you. Post any time.

[Scot_Girl_In_Aus]

Dear Summer Rose,

Thank you for your reply and advice! Currently I'm not working at the moment so have be acting as nanny for my partners family as he has a younger brother (9) and a younger sister (16). During the week I do the school run with the 9 year old walking him to and from school, cook dinner most nights and do light housework here and there. This is keeping me somewhat active through out the days. I also feel like I have in someway slotted into the role of Mum for the younger two as their mother is/has been fairly emotionally abusive towards my partner, his older sister, who have both suffered from issues themselves, and now the 16 year old who is now suffering from sever depression, anxiety and has also began to develop an eating disorder. Their mother will also take a shot at me but never to my face so it will get back to me either through my partner or through thin wall. I feel a very strong need to protect his little sister as before I moved over nobody had known what had been going on between the mother and 16 year old, I became her confidant in the household knowing roughly how she was feeling but due to my situation couldn't outrightly protect her from her mother. This added to my stress when the house became a war zone for a couple of weeks when I spoke out to the rest of her family, with her older siblings and her father getting involved and taking a stand. She and her mother and now both getting the help they need but I feel the situation was a catalyst for how I'm now feeling. I did have a conversation with my partner about going back on medication but when I mentioned that for a couple of weeks I would feel sick and dizzy he didn't like the idea of me taking them but still left the decision to me. I have decided to seek out some professional help and will hopefully find someone that can help talk me through things. Again thank you for your reply, I really do appreciate it.

Scot.Girl.In.Aus

[Summer Rose]

Hello again

Sounds like a complex household! It's nice that you can support your partner's family but I worry that your world is fairly small and that you may become too dependent on them. How do you feel about starting work? If not paid work, maybe volunteer work. I think it's important that you have some independence. It might also be a good idea to think about joining a gym or club. I really want to encourage you to try and connect with others outside the family, as it will give you someone to vent to and social connections really help to improve our mood and well being.

I'm glad you're going to seek some professional help. If you have trouble finding someone you can call the bb help line on 1300 22 4636 and they can help you out with a local referral. If you're going to a GP, make a double appointment so you have plenty of time to talk. The possibility of re-commencing medication is something to discuss with your doctor. Take it one step at a time.

I'll keep you in my thoughts. Post any time

[Croix]

Dear Scot.Girl.In.Aus~

Thank you for making you own thread. I'm glad you did as now you have met Summer Rose and have received some pretty good advice. I really like the description of you having a small world, which does revolve around this dysfunctional family.

I guess a couple of things occur to me straight away. You are feeling care and obligation towards the 16yo and I guess to some of the rest of the family. There is a strong tendency when faced with someone's need to spend oneself in answering it. This can be fine and make a real difference, however it does come at a cost, some are frailer than others and all have finite limits beyond which they can become ill. Your feelings of obligation are not necessarily good for you.

Your foothold in this family (I do not include you partner here) is tenuous and may only be acceptable to them because you are prepared to act as maid, nanny etc. As you pointed out if you offered your judgment the parents and older siblings close ranks against you. Drudgery and appeasement does not have a good history.

It is obvious to both you and us that it is the family's toxic behavior that is making your depression and anxiety worse, to the extent you may have to rely upon medication, and really feel the lack of your partner when he is absent.

You did ask how to communicate with him. While that is fine I'm not sure what that will achieve. As someone who works and studies, and probably needs this accommodation for you both, he is in some ways limited in what he can do too. To answer you question anyway you are a clear writer, and I'd make a point form list of things you wanted to say, then spend time expanding each using easy to understand examples he is familiar with. As most of this will revolve around your reactions to you situation he probably has a pretty good idea anyway.

Perhaps he might return the compliment by offering some partial suggestions - at least that way you will see what he does and does not realize.

My own thought is you need out, and need independence. Out can be, as Summer Rose suggests, voluntary work, or study, or employment. It also probably means more contact with your own family.

Independence does unfortunately mean some sort of employment.

Being more secure in yourself will help the both of you and maybe allow you to face you current unenviable situation without inadvertently pressuring your partner to move prematurely.

What do you think?

Croix

[Scot_Girl_In_Aus]

Updated-

Everything came to a head and I I moved out. Me and my partner and now going strong and thugs are a lot better. I love my new space and it has given us a place to focus on us which has help so much! His mother is still causing problem but we are in a much better position to deal with this issues. I want to thank everyone for their help and support xxx

[Croix]

Dear Scot.Girl.In.Aus~

Thank you for the update - that was very thoughtful as we do wonder how people are going.

It sounds as if you have found a pretty good solution together, that's great!

Croix

[Summer Rose]

Hi again

Ditto to the above post from Croix. Well done!