I need a good cry

[lilykitten]

I've been separated for 2 months and feel like the weight of a planet is on my chest. My kids hate their Dad (for leaving or not leaving soon enough depending on the day) I feel isolated at work. I'm only just living within my means and everything seems to be getting on top of me. I've just had a weekend of people pleasing. Hosting my mother who had visited to make sure was OK, planning, buying presents and bribing the Kids to visit their Dad on Father's Day. Racing into work on Sunday to get up to date, taking my daughter to a psychologist , visiting a lawyer sitting up for ages to help the other daughter with homework all after spending more money and organisation for a birthday dinner and more presents. for an ungrateful ex. so I can keep it nice for him before handing him half of all the money I have ever earned and then probably never seeing him again. Still not crying. I so need to release my emotions.

[Fifie]

It sounds like you're working extremely hard to keep everyone happy and running smoothly which is commendable and shows an enormous strength of character and kindness. The things you are doing will not be going by unnoticed even if it feels that way, and your kids especially will be incredibly grateful for you. It sounds like you're putting your own emotional needs on the back burner though, it's important to take time for yourself and grieve for the relationship you've lost and process the big change in your life. Have you tried reaching out to friends? (maybe people dealing with separation too)

[geoff]

Hello Lily, I remember years ago when life was tough, but now my 2 sons now always remember the good times they had, and the same will happen with your daughters, although at the moment it doesn't feel like it because you've got so much on your plate.

If your ex has left on his own accord and your daughters don't like him, I have doubts about whether I would be giving him a birthday dinner because this must be causing you to feel anxious, especially to hand over the money you earn.

You can't keep trying to please those around you, except for your daughters, because it becomes too exhausting as you are working, are there any ways you can pull back a little, and I'd really like to hear back from you, when and if you want to.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi lilykitten

Hmm...'People pleaser', this can be a tough role to play, a role we often appoint ourselves. Sometimes it's necessary to accept disappointment. What I mean is you and your ex may have to accept the idea that you will no longer fill that role or appointment of you pleasing him. Disappointment is not always a bad thing, it can entail us being free to take on new much healthier roles in life.

Wouldn't it be great to have instructions to follow in regard to major life changes, like with a separation?! The best we can do is pinpoint certain areas which require effective management. By the way, the definition of 'control' is 'effective management'. Remember an effective manager will delegate, not do everything for everyone.

lilykitten, you sound exhausted and fed up. If it helps - when my mum split from my dad many years ago, she drew up a financial plan for herself in order to feel more in control of the whole situation (when everything felt out of control). It was more symbolic than anything else, although I admit the money aspect was going to be a bit of a challenge. You sound like an absolute powerhouse when it comes to managing everything; specifically pinpointing some management strategies (especially in regard to self-care) might just make the difference you need in order to restore your energy.

Take care of that champion in you. Sounds like you are taking responsibility for just about everyone around you, which can definitely be energy zapping. You need to restore that energy - you deserve it. Also, do cry your eyes out if it helps; crying can be a positive form of stress release if undertaken with great awareness but remember it too can be a little energy zapping so be prepared to follow it with some relaxation time.

Again, take care of yourself lilykitten, you are an absolute legend!

[GoodWitch]

I hope this doesn't sound flippant, it's not meant to be at all, but have you tried putting on a sad movie? I know sometimes we keep all our emotions inside, the sadness is there but we can't let it out because we need to keep it together somehow. You forget how to let go and feel what you feel. A lone viewing of Beaches or something might get the tear ducts working. Meant as a practical tip not a joke!

I'm recently going through separation issues with my marriage too So I know how hard it is to let a relationship go. It also sounds like you're struggling to let go of your responsibilities where he's concerned. If he left it isn't your responsibility to give him a good birthday, although I totally get why you're still in that frame of mind. It's only been 2 months. Recently I was discussing my situation with my counsellor and saying I was worried about where my husband was going to live when we broke up and she said something really obvious that was like a light bulb going off. "if you're separated, it's not your problem". Wow. Sound so simple but I was still desperately trying to make sure he is happy and putting that above my own happiness.

Now is your time to start putting yourself first where you can. Your husband needs to know it's his job to maintain a relationship with his children. You can encourage them to give him a chance, but ultimately making contact etc. is on him. You don't need to buy him birthday presents, especially if you're paying him money already. Was your mum any help or did it end up feeling like a burden to have her there? If so it might be time to sit down with her and tell her exactly what you need from her, whether it's for her to watch the kids so you can go out (to the cinema maybe to catch a sad movie??), or for her to go away because she's not actually helping (if that's the case).

It's all so hard I know. You do need to be there for your children, yes, but perhaps you can start telling some of the adults in your life to take care of themselves and stop relying on you, at least during this difficult time.

Hope this helps. Good luck

GW

[lilykitten]

"I was worried about where my husband was going to live when we broke up and she said something really obvious that was like a light bulb going off. "if you're separated, it's not your problem"

You are going to laugh but when my husband moved out he moved into the shed. You see he was building a caravan to sell and I said I don't need the shed ATM so you can have access to it to continue your business. The next thing I know he is living in the caravan IN the shed using my electricity and water. At first I wasn't bothered and thought it was good because the kids could see him at any time. Turns out he has no intention of leaving until he gets a settlement payout from me. He is living on meals at friends houses and a loan from his pensioner mother.

Talking of mothers, mine is trying to be helpful but I really need my weekends to de-stress and a 53yr old really does not need lectures about getting a decent haircut and being a "bum magnet" plus there is an underlying feeling that she is buttering me up to moving closer so I can care for her as she ages.

[lilykitten]

I will try the sad movie. Sounds like a plan!

[GoodWitch]

Oh dear lilykitten we must be sisters from another mister because it sounds like we have the same mother! I'm 47 and every time I visit mine (she won't deign to come to me, too busy, but I MUST bring the children to see her or she lays on the guilt trip as thick as peanut butter 'I never see my grandchildren, oh the HORROR) she tells me my hair looks terrible, buys me hair products because it might help that 'pile of straw you have on your head'. I haven't even told her hub and I have been in counselling for two years she'll say 'you made your bed you lie in it' and I'll get no sympathy at all. She also thinks she's coming to live with me, and bring all her pets mind you, if my dad dies before her and that's NOT happening so yeah. We could probably start a whole thread on loving but unhelpful mothers.

I have an appointment tomorrow, taking my husband, to talk about our options. I've told him I want to separate, several times, but when he asked how I said he might need to move out because he has the money to and I don't, he blew up, can't believe I would ask that of him etc. Yet he expects me to stay lying next to him not sleeping because I'm so miserable. Well. We don't have a shed unfortunately, though your situation doesn't sound ideal either, he's living off you. I honestly think the 12 months separated before you can divorce rule is stupid. It sounds like the sooner you reach a settlement the better.

I'm going to put on Beaches today I think heh.

GW

[lilykitten]

Good luck Goodwitch we must be sisters. "Pile of straw" snap! hahaha

[blondguy]

Hello Lilykitten

Good on you for being a part of the forum family. Its great to have you post with us 🙂

You have so much on your plate....I really feel your pain as I used to do the same by looking after everybody else except for myself. I recognized much later that I was placing myself last which (just for me) had a negative effect on my health.

There is nothing selfish by placing yourself first (when you can of course) There is great advice/support above from members that have had experience in a similar situation as yourself

I like what GW mentioned about seeing a sad movie to help the tears flow....what an excellent idea! I burst into tears with my GP after a separation and my time in the family court....It worked wonders.....like a wonderful cleansing of the spirit.

If I wanted to cry now through being overloaded in my life I would have another cry to my GP (again) If I wanted to watch a movie to have a good cry.....my choice would be 'Somewhere In Time' with Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour...

I really hope you have a GP that you can have a talk to...I still see mine every month for a 'fine tune' with my leftover anxiety/depression

please be gentle to yourself

Paul