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I’m verbally abusing my partner and I don’t know how to stop

Maui757
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I have recently realised that I verbally abuse my partner, and have been doing so for years. He has told me many times, but I never truly listened until just the other night and I realised he is right.
I did a bit of research and I am 100% verbally abusing him. I feel so terrible, I can’t believe I’ve turned into this person. I also abuse my parents, mainly my Mum.
mom already so reactive, I get so angry so quickly and I lash out. I have no doubts that I would get physically abusive if I got mad enough.
obviously I don’t want to abuse anyone. I love these people, and yet I’m abusing them. I feel so shattered inside, I feel so broken and alone. How did I become this person? I feel like I’m not allowed to feel bad for myself because I was the one who chose to abuse them. I could have acted differently but I didn’t. It’s so selfish, so wrong. How am I meant to deal with this? How do I stop? Or is it best to end my relationship with my partner so I can stop abusing him? He has tried to end our relationship a few times in the past because he can’t take my abuse, but we always calm down and talk it out and try other options. We’ve just started to see my psych together for couples sessions, but I fear it’s too late. The damage is already done, I may as well leave and prevent further damage 😞

Please, I just want some advice. I have no idea what’s happening, or why. I’m so new to this, and yet I’ve been doing it for years and years. I’m so torn up, I honestly feel like I’m a broken human being and there’s no hope to repair me or what I’ve done.

Maui

8 Replies 8

Deecee88
Community Member

What is triggering you to abuse them?

i react with abuse to my family when they put me down or criticise me, to only then have them call me psycho and Abusive which apparently excuses their treatment towards me

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Maui757

I know it may not feel like it right now but this is a positive start to the year. To suddenly wake up to destructive or self destructive behaviour is definitely a positive thing. Of course, this is where the questioning begins. Finding the answers is a careful process. Without great care and consideration, destructive self chastisement can be the only result. No good can come from this, just suffering.

Deecee88 raises a valid point. What are the triggers? Is there something you feel resentful of? Do you feel ripped off about something? Do you feel frustrated? Is there some injustice present that you're not consciously aware of? Are you looking for people to be more pro active in life, as opposed to lethargic or complacent? Are you looking for others to take greater responsibility for themselves? Are you looking for people to be more positive around you? Perhaps some could be functioning in a low. You can see where careful questioning can produce constructive results when it comes to deeper understanding.

Sometimes we can be functioning in a low ourselves, looking to others to raise us, kick our butt and move us forward (if self motivation is not there). When this is the case, coming up with strategies to move up in life is key. Looking to others to use strategies is also key. This way we not only raise our self, we have others proactively helping to raise us.

A lot of food for thought here but hopefully food to help feed change in positive ways. You sound deeply remorseful. Such an emotion is often the result of a rise in consciousness which is a good thing. This reality shift presents you with a new you, a chance to begin again at a higher level. It's like you've graduated out of your old life. Choosing to consciously graduate even further can be a therapeutic and soulful experience when done, step by step, in positive ways. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, this will only interfere with the energy required for positive change, slowing your stages of graduation.

A sincere congratulations on your graduation by the way. I hope you come to feel the liberation such an experience presents. Me...I graduate every day. I contemplate my progress, always consciously moving up from who I was yesterday. There are some tough lessons in there, for sure. I see contemplation as constructing a new template for life, to work from. It's something I'm getting the hang of. I have no plans to revisit depression. All my plans involve staying out of it.

🙂

Maui757
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

You both asked what’s triggering it - everything is. I feel like I got a shit hand dealt to me in life and I feel angry about it. I get angry when other people are happy and joking around me when I feel miserable and hopeless.

I feel angry when my partner wants us to go visit his family, but he never visits mine. It’s stupid, because his parents live 5minutes away and mine live 2.5hrs away. His mum drives me crazy and it’s now a trigger even just knowing I have to talk to her, let alone go have dinner there.

My friends and family make me angry when they make fun of what I do, even if they’re just joking around. Today my dad said I was a slacker because I got home at 4:30pm after a 10hr shift, but he works 12hr shifts. He may not have meant anything by it, but I got so angry I just stopped talking in fear I would say something I’d regret.

You say it’s a good thing to come to this conclusion - I agree, but I still don’t see a way forward. I WANT to lash out, I WANT to hurt people. I am hurting, so why can’t everyone else feel my pain even if just for a moment? That might make me sound horrible but honestly I’ve just had enough of my mind and body failing me again and again and again.

I’m a hard worker, I put all my effort into everything I do, and yet people who cruise through life just get things handed to them. I know I sound privileged, and ungrateful and all the rest, but it makes me so angry!! Why did I get such a shitty hand!? Why does life keep ditching things at my already full plate?

I feel like I was never meant to exist, and I’m fighting fate to stay alive. If medicine didn’t exist I would have died by now I think.

Maui

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Maui

Although I came out of my depression about 14 years ago, it's taken me until now to understand how I tick and how those around me tick. I've come to read people and situations pretty well. So, now I question much and it serves me to do so.

I'm now 49 and it's taken me this long to discover a genuine love of life. IT'S ABOUT TIME! I figure after all the effort I've put into raising myself, I deserve this. Whilst others have put in some effort in helping me, I put in most of the effort in raising myself through a lack of life skills, through a couple of miscarriages, through a marriage where my husband is happy with complacency, through my 15yrs in depression and what appeared as a psychotic break when I 1st came out of it and the list goes on and on. Boy, did I do an awkward yet sensational job over the years. And you know what, I was seriously angry when I 1st came to realise I did much of this alone, as well as through some criticism. Even now, whilst I feel like I'm on a whole new level of mastering life, I have people say 'You need to give up smoking'. Hang on a sec, I've achieved the unthinkable, I've raised myself to this incredible level in life and all you can do is focus on the one thing I haven't mastered yet (I'll get there by the way).

One thing I have come to realise is one person's inner sanity is going to appear different to another person's inner sanity. To each other they may appear insane. If you were to begin calling everyone around you out in regard to what they say or do or don't do, you may be labeled as 'difficult' or 'insane'. The question becomes 'Who is the crazy person? The one who asks that others raise their awareness or the one who lives a reality of complacency?' Is it crazy to endure visiting in-laws or liberating in deciding there is simply no need to put yourself through this? Our inner sanity will shift constantly as we evolve. As we rebel into becoming the most authentic version of our self we will upset others in the process. If these are conscious people, they will responsibly deal with their upset as they support us raising our self.

Maui, it takes courage to raise our self, to rebel against those whose comments and actions bring us down, keep us down or put us down. Are you prepared to be a rebel? No need to be angry, simply begin questioning people. You can have some fun with this; it drives people crazy. If anyone says 'Gee, you're sensitive!' feel free to respond with 'Absolutely, someone's gotta be!'

🙂

Maui757
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi again,

I wanted to come back and post an update. I've had another day to deal with this, and it's getting easier to swallow. I made an emergency appointment with my psych for Tuesday, and when I spoke to her on the phone I asked her "Is there hope for me, or am I going to be this terrible person forever?" and she said "You are far from a lost cause. We will talk about it on Tuesday, and we'll get you going where you want to go".

At first I didn't feel relieved at all. I spent the day being scared of how I spoke to and thought about other people I interact with, even at work. I felt very low, and worse when I spoke to my partner on the phone (I'm onsite at work at the moment). But after a couple of good sleeps, I am feeling better and am starting to hope again.

I hope that I can beat this, that I can learn to speak nicely to other people. I hope I can stop being so angry at the drop of a hat, and taking that anger out on the people around me. There's still this massive void inside me where I don't know how I'm going to get through, or how it'll ever get better, or how I'll find the strength to fix life-long bad habits, but I have hope at least.

I also hope that one day I will truly love life and love myself, but that's so far down the track it seems impossible at the moment. One step at a time, right? I don't want to spend my life being angry at people. I want to spend it loving every moment and enjoying my time spent with others.

Maui

therising
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Maui

So glad to hear you are beginning to process the possibilities in regard to who you really can be and, yes, it's definitely tough to get out of old habits.

I think how we are raised as kids is generally seriously lacking in so many true life skills and can be riddled with many negative teachings that go back generations. This is no fault of our parents... after all, they teach us what they know or only what they are conscious of. It's never too late to learn skills. What we learn we can even pass on to others who appear to have it altogether but they're most likely lacking in certain evolutionary skills too.

I'm very excited for you Maui. A reality shift is a powerful thing. At this stage of life I hope you can remain wonderful. To be full of wonder or wondering in regard to our potential is often enough to drive us to find out.

🙂

Dear Maui757, I can literally feel the pain in your typed words, I know you've been suffering, and some relief (albeit partial) has recently come your way which is wonderful to hear. Did you know that you're experience is a familiar one to me; I have only just recently realised that my words have been very cutting and hurtful to some of the most important people in my life. And just as you say, sometimes without any conscious control, something triggers me (sometimes its internal, like a memory, or other times its the way people look at me) and then I get this rush of feelings and anxiety, and then I can unleash it with harsh words. I suppose what's helped me is realising that it's not what's happening outside of me that driving my behaviour, it's what's happening on the inside. I bet you feel both frustrated and loving feelings towards your partner, but not being able to hold those two opposing feelings at the same time, its more relieving to view him as all bad or all good, and then that's where the discharge of anger comes in, it comes in to cover the pain of loving someone who lets us down, or teases us. And if you're anything like me, the feeling of being humiliated is not a new feeling, I was a small kid went i experienced it many many times over. And so today, even the slightest hint I'm being put down or mocked can send me into a rage if i'm not careful. So I wonder if your past is kind of repeating itself if that makes sense? Either way, I can tell good things are in store for you given your realisation that things can be better, and that YOU deserve so much more than this feeling of guilt and shame. I've lived this out for many years before, and i'm so glad I'm putting in more of an effort to watch my temper because of the people i care about, and its funny, the more i see others i care about as being people like me, with faults and frustrated parts of their behaviour, i can see they are lovable, and deserve more of my patience.

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Maui758,

I agree with the rising that this is a hugely positive step, even though it may not feel like it at the moment. You have shown tremendous insight to recognize your behaviour and have expressed a genuine desire to stop. I think you are far from being a hopeless case and should be able to stop your unhealthy behaviors with practice. It will take a concerted effort on your behalf to change how you react to things and you may have slip ups at the start, but it will become much easier with time. I think it’s just about choosing not to be that person anymore, and if you don’t want to be that person badly enough then you won’t. The reality is that even if people seem fine at the moment, terrible things happen to people all the time. And just because they are ok now doesn’t mean they always will be. And some people are battling things we know nothing about. But no one deserves to have to cop someone else’s abuse. I would sit down and have a conversation with your partner and explain that you recognize that your behavior is not right and then take real steps to address it. Good on you for wanting to change!