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I'm scared my marriage is ending and it's my fault

Molly06
Community Member

I am not sure where to start except to say I have not felt this sad in a long long time.

my husband and I have been married 12 years, we were engaged after 7 months and married 6 months after that. We had trouble falling pregnant and went through 5 rounds of IVF. We fell pregnant with twins and then at 32 weeks found out that one of our twins had died. They were both born 4 days later.

as a result of this I suffered extreme anxiety and depression and went into hospital for 7 weeks for it. My husband was my rock.

2 years later we fell naturally pregnant but had complications and I was put in hospital on complete bed rest from 26 weeks and my child was born at 32 weeks.

We moved towns and built a lovely home together and while I have missed close friends I have loved our life together.

My husband has always spoilt me, told me how much he loves me and been a wonderful support but I lost my sex drive. We are lucky to have sex once a month and often that's just because I feel bad.

Not only have I lost my sex drive but I just don't kiss him for no reason , we do cuddle on the lounge every night which I love and we went away in November last year without the kids and had a great week and sex drive had returned. It's not that I want sex with anyone else I just don't seem to want any.

monday night he said that he is tired trying to live in this platonic relationship. We talked about it last night and he said that he isn't about to walk out and that the marriage isn't over but he looks resigned as if it is over and he said he doesn't know what to do to fix it.

i suggested some kind of counseling but he can't see how that can help my sex drive.

i am so so sad, I don't want to be with anyone else and I can't imagine my life without him in it and I am so scared what it might do to our kids especially my daughter who has started suffering anxiety.

i don't feel I can talk to any friends or family about it and I can't talk to him about it ( well I have) but he doesn't have answers. He is the one I go to when I have problems and now he and I are the problem.

i just don't know what to do.

sorry for the very long post 😢

19 Replies 19

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Molly06,

Thanks for posting here and I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

First things first - this is not your fault. Nobody is to blame for this. I can see that you have gone through so much as a couple; grief, IVF and illness - it's not easy and I can only imagine how it's taken it's toll. I can also guess that you've been a pretty resilient couple; you mentioned that your partner was your rock and he seems pretty determined to try and make things work and turn things around for you both.

As for counselling, I definitely think that it would help - in both coping and managing with the anxiety and depression and also your sex drive. The origins of sex drive is both biological and physiological; so the desire to engage in sex (or intimacy of any kind) can be influenced by anything from hormones, thoughts and mood and the environment.

Sometimes it can help your partner to understand this - as he may not be aware of how much of an impact mood can have on a sex drive, and may be feeling confused or unwanted. Being able to communicate this can have a great impact on both of you; and help you to move forward - even if that means smaller steps.

Relationships Australia might be a good place to start - they have great couples counselling services, or alternatively if you wanted to see someone on your own you could find a psychologist through your GP.

You can do this and this is nobody's fault.

Hi,

Thank you for replying, I am already seeing someone, she is a psychologist who specializes in sex therapy & couples, that's not why I chose her though , I feel though that talking to her as brought about some of my anxieties about my marriage.

ive been thinking a lot since I last saw her which was a while ago and I think I have been maybe blaming my husband too much and not looking at me and my child hood etc.

im starting to think that my parents lack of intimacy i.e. No holding hands, kissing etc in front of us kids might have something to do with it.

ive had a better day today with only a few moments of sadness. I think I just decided that I can't just let my marriage fall apart and cry about it. I need to be strong and focused and work on it. I can't just expect him to fix it for us.

😏

Kathryne
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Molly,

I glad to read that you have had a better day.

I undertook a course a few years ago and it surprised me that contrary to common beliefs most couples do not have sex everyday. The stats had the average at approximately 4 to 6 weeks. And provided both parties are happy with this timing it didn't cause any issues.

I noted in the first post that you stated when you went away without the children there were no issues with your sex drive.

Have you ever thought about the mental stress caring for young children are and the effects on all areas of your life, this can have.

Could you consider having more time away without the children. Make it a regular basis , stay in a motel or B&B where you can just recharge your relationship.

Regards Kathryne

Molly06
Community Member

Hi,

Ive kind of gone down hill since I last wrote, all positivity just kind of evaporated. Not sure why it just did.

My husband and I can't really get away as wedding have anyone to look after the kids, my mum is not well enough.

The only reason we got to go away is that his parents who live overseas came to visit and very generously let us go.

we don't even get date nights.

The sad thing is it's not just sex, I seem to cringe at any touch, I don't even want to kiss him anymore, I just don't know what it is, I think some of it is frustration at his lack of self care, doesn't shave as much, eats unhealthily, unfit and doesn't seem to have the desire to get fit ( this all sounds very shallow but I worry about his health), but the other is I'm afraid if I show a slight bit of affection he will see it as a green light to have sex.

I am tired all the time as he works long hours and I work and have to do everything for the kids. I just don't have the energy for anything and often when he wants to initiate something it's at 11 at night after we've watched tv and I'm stuffed and ready to sleep.

I do love him I just don't know why I have no desire 😞

Hello Molly

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and all would be well. I do understand what you are saying about loving your husband but not want any sexual activity. In your last post you comment about his lack of personal care and wonder if that is part of the problem. I've been there and it is a huge turn-off. You could talk about this with him. Trouble is, if this is not the whole reason and he "smartens up" but you are still not happy, what then?

What does your therapist say about the matter?

Sexual attraction is a complex matter for humans, unlike the animal kingdom where there is a quick sniff before the action starts. No offence I hope.

Your husband sounds like a good man. At least he does not demand a response "or else".

What attracted you to your husband initially and has anything changed? I feel I am clutching at straws for you and you have probably already been down this road. I am so sorry I cannot offer any suggestions or solutions. I do understand where you are, I really do, but I am clean out of ideas.

Early nights and romantic dinners spring to mind but I imagine there is a deeper cause than this. I am sorry.

Mary

Hi Mary,

Dont get me wrong the lack of personal care is not hygiene related, it's more caring for his health i.e. Going to dentist, eating healthily and exercise.

When I first met him he used to surf everyday and started walking and exercising , he was not muscle bound etc but he was active , but for the last 6 years or so all of that has stopped, he no longer surfs and has lost all confidence in himself, if I suggest we go for a walk with the kids he is always lagging way behind us and just will not walk any faster.

He is constantly encouraging me to go to the gym and exercise etc but does none of this himself.

He used to shave every day or every other day and now it's lucky if it's once a month, I tell him over and over that I hate beards and even try to compromise and say if he is going to have one can he at least keep it trimmed but he doesn't even do that. I guess I find that hard because I always ask his opinion on my hair and how he'd like me to have it done at the hairdressers etc.

He spoke to me last night and said he will just stop asking for sex and at least he won't be rejected again and that it can just be up to me. I think possibly this will be good for now at least because I was feeling pressured all the time and at least I can instigate it and not feel bad if I reject him. Of course he can always reject me then .

I guess I want him to start doing some things that are important to me. He said he doesn't want to get s vasectomy unless it would guarantee more sex because otherwise he would resent me got it even though he says he doesn't want anymore kids.

i get what he's saying but after everything we have been through with our last two pregnancies I thought he would understand how scared I am of falling pregnant again. I thought he would want to do this for me .

Hello Molly

I'm sorry I did not make myself clear to you. I did think you meant the stuff like beards etc. Not that I knew about his beard, but I hope you understand what I mean. My husband was like yours. Decided he couldn't be bothered to have a hair cut and grew a beard. No effort to look tidy. In his case I think he was stating his independence and lack of conformity to society norms.Too bad if I didn't like it. And if anyone else commented he said it gave him sun protection, which of course is true, but not the only option. Dental hygiene was a biggy.

After 30 years of this and his bullying I left. I tried hard but in the end there was nothing left. Once I was on my own I realised how much of me was lost and a year later fell into a huge depression. All in the past now and does not come back to haunt me much. Although my children care about him they do understand, mostly, what it was like for me. I have never given them the whole story.

I think I can only offer my support to you as I could not find an answer to this situation. And yes, I loved him once. We have four children and getting pregnant was never difficult for me. I don't mean to hurt you by saying this. After they were born we talked about having no more children and I suggested a vasectomy. I didn't want to get pregnant again. He refused because it limited his options. So it was up to me. More complicated for women.

It took a while to learn how to live alone but I have learned so much and achieved so much. I cannot see any kind of scenario where I would live with anyone again. I think I am still a little afraid of him and by extension not happy with the thought of living with any man again. However I do like men but usually too afraid to form a close bond.I miss having a companion but I could not give away my life again.

I don't think I have helped you but I did want you to know I understand. Please continue to write in here, if only to vent or chat about any of life's challenges. There are good things around.

Mary

It sounds like "you love him but you're not in love with him"

I dunno, there's a wealth of information out there for men wanting more sex with their wives. He needs to do some research. Anyway, I can't see any problem with telling him fairly clearly that you're taking his concerns seriously and that you'd like him to come to therapy with you and see what you can get done about it. He needs to know you're willing to work on it if he's willing to pull his weight.

I'd be careful around the vasectomy issue. Men are sensitive about it and it's his right to say no. Saying that he needs to accept alternative contraception that's his responsibility if you're unable to tolerate any other form of birth control. Focus on other stuff first. He might come to his own descision in time.

I'd be getting your husband to come with you to therapy so you can tell him what's important to you and he can do likewise

I had a think about your thread title as well.

it doesn't mean your marriage is ending nor is it your fault