I’m being blamed for his weed addiction

[Minelle]

Let me start with a bit of background info. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and we were dating for about a year before that. When we met he was a heavy weed smoker, and I also smoked a lot during that time as it was the middle of covid so I guess that’s how we began to bond. 

when we became official, he moved in with me fairly quickly and things seemed fine. But after the lockdowns it seemed like he was still smoking ungodly amounts even though we now had to get back to daily life and our jobs. I noticed our relationship was drifting as he mainly went to work and then came home to smoke and play video games. As hard as it was for me, I began to initiate serious conversations about sharing housework, and in the moment he would always be on board and agree. He’d do his share for a week or so then began to drop off after that, which brings about another conversation, and repeat. I now realise that the relationship began to break down from then on. We almost completely stopped being intimate with each other and I became very depressed from feeling like I was the only one who cared about our relationship and the home that we shared. We've had a few massive fights all ending with some sort of agreed compromise, but again he put in effort for a while and then went back to old ways. 

we have 3 pets together and I work as well as study, whereas he only works. For a long time, I’ve told him that the majority of our fights come back to his smoking. It has caused so many financial difficulties with him coming to me most weeks to split the cost of his weed so he can afford it. It also made him lazy and uncaring for problems that we were having. My studies were overwhelming me with the amount of housework and hours at my job, so when he got offered full time he asked me to quit my job and focus on uni. I have always provided for myself since 17 years old, and I pushed back quite hard on this. I ended up not quitting but reducing my hours dramatically so I study mon-fri and work weekends. I could tell that the increase in his share of the expenses were difficult for him, but he continued to buy weed and ask me for money. We had so many talks about reducing his consumption, or taking longer breaks in between buying, but he would quite literally beg me to let him buy or help him with costs less than 12 hours after running out.

i tried to support and motivate him so much, and even suggested seeing a professional. He kept putting off going to the doctor to get a referral, then put off getting a psychologist appointment when he got the referral. Then he saw the psychologist for about 4-5 sessions, and did none of the work she sent him home with, then stopped going. 

3 weeks ago we got into an argument after he begged me to get weed and I said no. That night he said he was breaking up with me and left a note in the morning saying that he still loves me but needs “a complete change of scenery to stop smoking”. He has left me with all the pets, and is currently still paying for a large portion of rent, but will reduce that as I am now in between semesters and will be working as much as possible. Over the 3 weeks I have been trying to message him about what’s been going on and he keeps shutting down my attempts by saying he needs more time. I understand that, but I do need clarification as I’ll need to figure out how to rearrange my life if I am to move on. But he keeps saying that he loves me and MIGHT want to get back so I’m in this limbo. I found out that the day after he left and a week after that he downloaded dating apps. I asked him about it and he said that he deleted them straight away because he felt guilty. But again, today I see he’s downloaded a FOURTH dating app? I tried to initiate another conversation about what he’s feeling and in his reply he said that has not smoked weed since he left me and that the reason he smoked was because of “having to deal with me”. 

he also mentions the pressure of having to support me, but I never wanted that. I guess I’m just absolutely dumbfounded as to why he is blaming me when all I did throughout the relationship and even now was try to communicate with him and motivate him to be better. And what hurts even more is that I do still love him and want to be with him, but he is constantly changing his mind about if he wants to get back together. Do you have any advice? I know that logically he has treated me like shit and continues to do so, but we started creating a life together and I absolutely adore him otherwise. How do I manage this life, my pets, and my house without him?

[therising]

Hi Minelle

My heart goes out to you while you try so hard to manage the side effects of your partner's addiction.

It's so hard when one person grows out of a particular behaviour or set of behaviours but the other doesn't. While my husband and I began as great drinking buddies 25 years ago or so, it's a different life now that I rarely drink. While my husband takes responsibility for a number of things in the family, there's a lot he doesn't or won't take responsibility for, as drinking doesn't allow him to. While a drinker or a dope smoker loves getting into their zone, they stop being your 'go to' person for a number of things. We can't go to them for certain challenges that need resolution, certain things they can't manage to do when they're drunk or stoned (like driving), conversations that need to be recalled at a later date and the list goes on. So, you start taking on responsibility for all the things they can't or won't do. One thing they definitely won't do is manage emotional challenges well. Anything that threatens to take them out of their zone, can be met with anger, avoidance or empty promises. If my husband ever said to me 'I need to drink so that I can manage living with you', my response to that would be 'No, you drink to manage what you don't want to face and that involves the kind of challenges that are going to develop you in significant ways, the challenges that require you to be more conscious'. An addict will typically serve themself because it feels good and it's easy. They will often choose to do what is easiest, such as with your partner leaving you with a lot of the responsibilities that he doesn't want to face.

As an ex drinker, I've learned life takes a heck of a lot of skill to manage. There are no skills needed when we get our abilities from a bottle, such as the ability to be a social butterfly when social anxiety is an underlying issue, the ability to be confident when low self esteem is an issue, the ability to be 'happy', when depression's an issue. Take away the bottle and it forces a person to develop skills and natural abilities. Same with dope smoking. No skills needed when lighting cones gives a person certain abilities, such as the ability to relax and not stress. While they have no problem with gaining their much loved abilities, those around them face a number of significant issues.

I found that appointing my husband certain roles that he was never going to fill was a seriously depressing part of our relationship. Officially and constructively disappointing him from certain roles has come to serve my mental health. I'm far more independent than I used to be, when I was living in hope of change. If your partner is someone who will only return on the condition that you appoint him simple and easy roles in the relationship, as opposed to the ones you really need him to fill, the question is 'Can you live with such significant disappointment?'. As you'd know, it can become intolerable.