I love my children, I feel trapped sometimes in my marriage.

[Leilani_Rose]

I am 33 years old a mother of 3 beautiful children, 11, 9 and 2 years of age. We have been married for 12 years, it's been wonderful , we have had our ups and downs we have fought hard to keep our marriage strong. I don't who to talk too because my family will say you get through this, it's part of being married, what about the kids?? 2 days ago i had a break down i was so exhausted being a full time mum is a hard job, but i love spending time with the children. As he was getting ready for work, he asked me whats wrong , I said it's nothing he just stared at me and got ready for work i felt like screaming out loud and saying i am so tired it would be nice for once you could help around the house, we have a daughter she has ADHD it's so challenging sometimes, he works night shift Monday to Saturday when he comes home he sleeps i do my daily run school drop off etc.. he comes with me to pick up kids after school, he hangs with the kids than goes sleep. Today we picked up the kids we got into an argument i started crying in front of the kids, I told him to leave me alone lately he has been saying to me i work, i pay the bills it really hurts because what am i doing at home nothing?? When I say im tired he would respond i do 12 hour shift? I always look at my kids, don't want to hurt them, I have no job to support them if i say to my husband i want to separate there are times i love my kids , my daughter who has adhd is close with him. He is a great father, wonderful but our relationship there's no communication, i dont know what to do

[white knight]

Hi LR welcome

This sounds familiar. My first marriage I worked 12 hour shift work often 60 or 72 hours in one week. Two kids. No life.

When working such hours you are not living, you are a zombie. Overnight if he found day shift work 8 hours, you would see a different man-truly. Your lifestyle would improve.

His comment about home duties was wrong clearly, again its talk from an overworked guy. This compounds into full blown arguements.

Ok, your 11 year old- introduce delegated duties beyond the norm. Eg Tuesfay nights we had my 11yo daughter cook the one meal she could cook, spaghetti, after some months I taught her how to cook satay chicken on rice. When my younger one got to 11, same deal. Great to habe one night off a week cooking.

Time out. One day a fortnight have organised a few hours away from home with girlfriends or retail therapy, get your nails done etc...whatever rocks your boat.

Once every few weeks go out to the movies with hubby- alone!

Finally, I feel your marriage is ok, please think positive and make subtle changes to improve the home environment

Please read the first post of each of the following threads

Use google

Beyondblue Topic relationship strife, the peace pipe

Beyondblue Topic cheap recovery idea -camping

Beyondblue Topic the balance of your life

Beyondblue Topic who cares for the carer?

I hope this helps

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[Leilani_Rose]

Thank you Tony.

[GoodWitch]

I wish fathers more often were able/willing to take a year or two out of work to do the primary caregiving role for their kids while their wives go to work full time. I feel like we'd all understand each other's problems better if we walked in each other's shoes.

Unfortunately it's not always possible and society is still set up to support the old fashioned 'man goes to work woman becomes homemaker' dynamic. Not that there's anything wrong with that if it's your choice (I've also always been primary caregiver to my kids, giving up a career to do so). So you're left with a situation where you are both exhausted for different reasons but can't really understand each other's lives.

Being at home with children is exhausting work. I've no doubt working 12 hour shifts is too, but it is not helpful and is very hurtful in fact for your hub to say, or imply, things like 'what do you do all day?' I know, I've been there. When I was working part time and had two kids under 4 as well, my hub accused me of 'having it easy' - this was after I had a meltdown and cried, much as you've described, and begged for his help with some of the home duties.

It's hard to get over something like that and I think a part of me never did. Now is the time to address this if you can, because resentment digs in. Are you able to go to counselling? If not, can you have a discussion with your hub about how hurtful it is to have your contribution devalued, and in turn perhaps open up to understanding how much pressure he's under as well? You're both working so hard and obviously both love your kids. The best thing you can do for them is try better to communicate in emotional language. Share your feelings and ask him to share his.

I hope this makes sense. I understand how you feel, the feeling of being trapped in a life of your own making...try to make your life what you want first, before giving up on it.

Best

GW

[Leilani_Rose]

Thank you. When my husband finished work he came to me and said sorry, I didn't know what to say because my husband doesn't really like confrontation, he doesn't really talk much he's quite. We sat down and discussed about what happened, he discussed how work is really stressful being a supervisor, the pressure he goes through. His only days off is Sundays, I said I would like to have a break catch up with friends or we could go to the movies and leave the kids with my parents. We both agreed it was a great idea, there is no quality time between us it we are willing to make a few changes, baby steps. Yesterday he cooked dinner with my 11 year old, while my 9 year cleaned up. Taking it slow day by day. Thank you for responding to my situation I am not alone thank you! It feel good to talk about it too.

[GoodWitch]

Sounds like you've already taken some positive steps. That's great! Getting the kids to start pulling their own weight a bit will be a huge help and actually I think it does their self esteem a world of good. Mine are 13 and 10 now and they love 'help yourself night' which is one night a week I don't cook and they have to figure out how to make something for themselves. It's usually leftovers lol. But they love the responsibility and are now asking can they actually cook a meal for everyone else.

Glad you're talking to each other it can only be a good thing

Best

GW

[white knight]

Good news!

TonyWK

[EmilyBronte]

I hear you Leilani and have experienced the same. I feel culturally that women are still expected to do so much more than men because traditional women's work is undervalued. This makes is very hard to convince husbands that as mothers we are actually exhausted and need more help and support at home.