I let go of my depressed girlfriend after months of trying

Louise_1984 · ‎25-01-2018

Hi everyone,

This is my first post but these forums have been a god-send for me!

I was in a relationship with a girl (lesbian relationship) for about 9 months. It was long distance. I go overseas for work every few months which is how I met her. At first things were amazing! She was loving, caring, affectionate, attentive and fun to be around. I fell so deeply in love with her when I spent a month over there with her and I felt she did too. She confided in me that she suffers from depression and bi-polar. I have close friends and family who suffer from depression so I am very understanding of it and promised her I would never leave no matter how hard it got. About a month after I’d been home I got a text saying she had to let me go as I deserved someone who could be everything I need. I was able to talk her through it and let her know that I’m not going anywhere cause she’s the love of my life and I’m not letting her go. Things got better and before long it was time for me to travel back there. Things were great until about 2 weeks into my trip. I met her family and they seemed to like me but she started going cold on me again and when I asked her what was going on, she started with the whole “You deserve better than me” stuff. This time I wasn’t able to talk her out of it and it just got worse and worse until she ended things completely a few days before I left to come back to AU. I thought it was over and I was beyond broken and devestated. A few days later, she called me crying saying how sorry she was and how much she messed up. I love this girl more than anyone I’ve ever loved so I of course accepted her apology even though she had put me through hell in the last 2 months. Fast forward to a few days ago, she starts going cold again and we had a fight because I was pushing her to get her passport so she could come to Australia. Her answers were always the same “I want to, im just too messed up in the head right now to think clearly and function” I had to put my foot down. I told her if she can’t love me how I love her then to let me go.. So she did. I haven’t heard from her in 3 days and I’m thinking this might be the end. I want more than anything for her to come back and realise her mistakes.. I’m not really looking for advice, more so just to vent. I know I did the right thing for me, but would like to hear other people’s experiences with partners and depression though. Did they come back eventually? Did things ever change and get better?

quirkywords · ‎25-01-2018

Louise

Welcome to this forum and well done for making your first post. This is a caring, supportive and friendlt community.

I can feel your frustration and pain from what you have been through. All breakups and then getting back together must be tiring.

I know you say you are not looking for advice and want to hear from people whose partners have depression.

I have bipolar and when I was depressed I used to push people away. When I was depressed I felt so worthless that I did not want a partner around as I thought they would be better off without me but never did anything as I was too sad.

It is very difficult living with some with depression and it is hard living with depression. It is like you have a huge fog in your brain and everything is muddled.

When I was depressed I was too insecure to leave, it was when I was high I did damage to the relationship by being mean and behaving inappropriately.

You mention you want her to realise her mistakes . she is unwell and confused and is not thinking properly.

Does she take medication or see a counsellor ?

Thanks for telling us your story.

Quirky

Louise_1984 · ‎27-01-2018

Thanks for your reply 🙂

It’s good to hear from someone who understands her side as well. It’s judt so hard. I love this girl more than anyone I have ever loved but she literally makes it impossible to be with her. She even told me that I’m the only one who has ever stood by her and been so patient and understanding of her. I do get that when she pushes me away it’s most likely a relief to her to not have to worry about burdening me etc too. She doesn’t break up with me, but she goes completely cold and will not answer my calls or reply to my texts.

Shes currently not medicated or seeing a regular counsellor unfortunately. She lives in the Philippines and the mental health system is no where near what it’s like here.. When I was over there last I booked and paid for her to see a psychologist and she bailed on the last day because she wanted to go to the beach with her friends instead. When she gets in her moods it feels like she genuinely doesn’t care if I’m in her life or not, and that kills me. When she’s good, she’s easily the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.

When you push people away, do you often regret it later on? Have you ever done this to a partner?

Thanks again for the reply. It means a lot.

Minta · ‎28-01-2018

Again a reply from someone who has rather than someone that is a partner of.

I have depression, Bi-polar, mild traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and Anxiety.

When you push people away, do you often regret it later on?

Yes, but in the moment I believe it is for the best for them and/or myself.

Have you ever done this to a partner?

Yes! So many times!

I was unmedicated, not seeing a psychologist/GP when I first met my current partner of 4 years. I pushed him away constantly almost like clockwork every 1-2 months we would have a small fight that would end up getting worse due to me being unmedicated and then I would say 'it's over, I'm not good enough' I even went so far to create a dating profile for him which when he found on the computer he got me to delete. I was in some ways fortunate to have had a big argument/outburst where the neighbours called the police and I realised how much I need medication/health support. Even when I was beginning my medication it was still an issue which thankfully in the last year and a half has settled but it still can/does happen with my first low of this type happening only the other night.

When I am depressed and in a low, I can't seem to think straight, as Quirky said it is foggy, I push ones I love away (by any means necessary) as I may believe I will harm myself and if I hurt them I won't burden them with my harm or if I am doing it in a high period I believe I did not need health help. So to be blunt and (I am sorry) until she actually realises that she needs help you can't do anything more than what you did (booked and paid for her to see a psychologist).

I hope this helps.

Louise_1984 · ‎28-01-2018

This helps more than you can ever know.. Can I ask what your partner did that others maybe didn’t in order for you to trust him and keep going back? I’m so sorry if that’s prying.. Its just so hard cause I honestly feel I’ve done all the right things but no matter what I do, she’ll find a reason to turn it against me or into a negative. I also know how she thinks and that she’s probably mad at me for not chasing her this time. She’ll turn it around in her head and make me out to be the bad guy to make herself feel better for pushing me away. I don’t wanna play games, I want her to know that I love her and I haven’t stopped thinking about her, but at the same time I want to give her space. It’s just so hard to know what to do and say and when. I also get that things will never change until she starts taking steps to getting better.

Louise_1984 · ‎28-01-2018

Also, Im sorry for what you must be going through yourself. I have anxiety myself (I’m medicated and have learnt to manage it quite well) so I know what it’s like to battle your own mind on a daily basis. It’s terrible and I guess that’s why I’m so understanding of her and anyone really that suffers with any kind of mental illness. I know she doesn’t mean what she does, but like you said, it won’t change until she gets herself the help she needs.

Minta · ‎29-01-2018

I only 'went back' to him when calmed down, sometimes after he left for a walk after he made me a herbal tea (t2 gone surfing, really calms my mind) and placed a favourite book on the coffee table or bedside table or putting on my favourite songs that remind me of love and him.

Another thing that helped me when calmed down is the few messages he sent me (sometimes ignoring my messages of depression/pushing away) they were along the lines of 'I want only you' 'you are beautiful and I love you' those types of lovey messages and things along the of 'I know you are pushing me away as you feel you are not good enough but I love you and I choose you because you are good enough, you are more than enough'

Why do I trust him over others is he also kept coming back, reassuring me that I may have been a little 'silly' but he loved me even through the ugliest patches of our relationship.

It was a little hard to explain so hopefully it makes sense

Louise_1984 · ‎29-01-2018

It makes perfect sense and that’s exactly what I’m doing. I tell her I want to be with her mood swings, tantrums, triggers and all (thats what she calls it when I’ve said something to upset her and put her in a mood) I told her I’m here and not going anywhere, I love everything about her and she is everything I have ever dreamed of. The other stuff is hard not being in the same country, but I’ve bought her books to read, give her massages when she’s having a bad day.. I guess I am and have been doing everything right. It’s up to her now it seems.

Thank you again so mich for your insights. It’s helped so much!