I left him...and now i regret it

[K1988]

Hi, I am a 22 year old girl, my boyfriend is 32. We met 1 year ago and he was my first. My parents disproved of him based on social class, background, his past. But i went ahead and moved in with him because my parents said leave or stay home and dont be with him. I felt it was right to be with him. Over this past year I have really changed in so many good ways, im happy, i try new things, im not shy, i have  confidence and i have just become more of a woman. He has helped me in so many ways, but the past 6 months he put off starting university so he has been doing nothing which has hurt our relationship. He is the most honest, protective man, and he has depression and anxiety. 

He started smoking cigareetts again, his sleeping pattern become him staying up all night which causes me not to sleep, then sleeping all day to which when he awakens he goes on his computer. I was left feeling alone, ignored and neglected. He wouldnt eat the food i made nor would he even have dinner with me. He didnt do cooking, shopping, cleaning, dishes, laundry. He said this is because he is not working or studying. 

 Now to my main point i got fed up so i moved out 2 days ago when he was out getting dinner, my parents were thrilled and they came picked me up with all my packed bags. Now im sleeping better, dont have to do a whole house worth of work myself, im looking for work and my parents are so supportive of me.

But im heartbroken and love him, i miss him. I feel as if i over reacted. Yes he has flaws but everyone does and i know i can get other men but i am not intrested in them. I have been on a few other forums and they have said hes not worth my time, hes a manipulator, lazy, selfish. But he also has a condition which i dont fully understand and nor did they therefore being quick to judge my post. I felt like i couldnt help him and he needed another woman to put him in line, but i went to see him today and my heart broke, i realised he just needs some compassion and i abandoned him. 

what are your thoughts 

[Neil_1]

Hi there K1988

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

Wowee, a tricky situation that you’ve raised, it sure is.   A one year relationship;   where the first six months were by the sounds of it, all rosy and golden.  Usually if things in a relationship are going to fall down, you’ll get some indication of that within that first year – just my experience.  And so in the 2nd six months, those indications really starting firing up;  I won’t go through them, as you clearly set them out in your post.  And his excuse for not providing any help or support to you was an interesting one;  as usually the depression is blamed.

You now feel like you’ve abandoned him.    Might be a time to write up a list;   two columns.    One heading – pro’s of living with this man;   2nd heading – con’s of living with this man.   And go for it – and they can be as minor or as major as you wish;   but remember whilst doing it, to have as a level headed approach as you can.   Don’t be doing it kind of like after you’d seen him recently;  as you’ll be placing pro after pro in that column and forgetting all the crap stuff.

May I ask whether you know how he feels about the break-up?   And with that, has he asked for you to come back and to try again and has he made any suggestions to you about how he might act differently?

I’ll leave it at that for this moment, but really do hope you can reply back again.

Ps:   I thought it was awesome that your parents were there for you when you needed them.  That must have been a huge comfort and feeling of love that you felt.

Kind regards

Neil

[Pixie15]

Hi K1988,

I had a couple of thoughts when I was reading your post although I am not sure if they will help you at all. 

Luckily you are very young. You say that living with this guy has made you less shy more, more happy and more confident and more of a woman and this is all good. There is no need to regret the relationship however also no need to make a lifetime commitment.

You moved out of your family home into this relationship. It might be useful having a bit of time being independent before you commit. You could find another sharing arrangement or try living on your own. 

If you want to you could continue seeing him but take some time to make sure before you move back in. 

Grateful.

[Beltane]

Hmmm.... you're quite young and this is your first serious relationship. As a fellow woman a few years older than you and with a few more relationships under my belt than you, i can say that that first relationship is always a bit special. And as others have mentioned above; often the first 6 months is known as the "honeymoon period". thats cos everything is rosy and perfect; you're caught up in the romance of a new relationship, you see each other through "rose-coloured' glasses- which means you kinda see only the best and block out the worst; in a way you're really heavily biased by that "new love" thing.

Not only that but youre at a time in your life where, as the above posters mentioned, independence is new to you. Its wonderful that you've had a lovely relationship to help you blossom and grow into this new adult version of yourself, and "find" yourself as a woman rather than a girl. All relationships will help you grow in some way- even the ones that dont go all that well, because you learn more about yourself- who you are, what you want, what your strengths and flaws are, what strengths and flaws you want in another person.

Yes this man has depression and anxiety. But hun, hes a 32 year old man. You can ask him to get help, beg him, threaten him, give him ultimatums. If he doesnt get help, thats his life path to go down. this has been going on for what, 6 months? And how many times did you ask him, beg him, whatever to help you around the house, to pay more attention to you, to try to connect with you? Its not like you cracked it after 2 weeks and ran off.

He can still come after you. Let him. If he wants you back, he'll come after you. Let him know, if you want, that you are waiting for him and still care but you need some sign that he will try to work on these issues. Depression and anxiety- as i can tell you as i have had them myself- are beasts that must be battled. My partner has stuck with me through them, and he always says "as long as you are trying your hardest to fight them, i'll stay". And i've always tried, so hes still here.

Is he trying? Will he try? If you go back to him, will he make any changes or will you quickly return to a life of drudgery, being ignored and neglected while he uses his depression and anxiety as an excuse to treat you poorly?

maybe embrace this new you for a little while, get a hobby, make new friends. If he shows you hes ready to fight, than.... if he doesnt than.. maybe time to move on? you need to be happy.